z

Young Writers Society



Chasing Rainbows Chapter 2

by deleted6


Chapter 2

Sierra ran aimlessly, just wanting never to see and hear Alexzander. When she finally stopped running blind, she saw she had run to the bathhouse; a room about the ten times the size of an outhouse with a domed roof; an entrance with loose purple curtain --it was supposed to be for only Jared and his closest acquaintances-- Maybe I need a bath, she thought. The bathhouse was quite small with an exquisite porcelain tub. The taps were made of pure silver with a ruby and a sapphire to represent the hot and cold taps. At the top of the building was a shower nozzle. The towel rail in the corner was made of polished metal with varnished marble knobs to hold the poles in. Grabbing a nice red velvet towel she hung it over the bar.

She twisted the taps, sending a flood of water from both taps into the tub. Sighing she wished Alexzander could just admit he’d been afraid, and wished he’d grow up quickly. It was underhand what she said, but it was true. Well, she had had it with him and his arrogance. She sighed annoyed if not a little livid. Slipping her shoes off she sat on the wall of the bath. Pulling off one sock she shimmied round and tested the water. Steam billowing up around her. Her foot melted into the water and she sighed, reaching over to turn off both taps.

Inching her other sock off she moved around more so her feet lay dangling inside. If she were going to worry at all, now would be the best time. All her fears bubbled up in her mind: that no one but Jared and his clientele were allowed to use the place; that she was a virgin; that though she was strong and acrobatic, she’d never been in any fights except with her brother and he never attacked her; that there was Jared, - wishing to lay its fingers over her naked form.

She was proud of her father resilient to him.

Taking one last nervous look around and listening for any sounds, she heard none and relaxed. Her heart calmed slowly, easing the percussion on her ribs.

Nimbly she threw her forest green skirt off and smiled as she felt the breeze waft round her legs, shivering slightly she stretched, a mirror showing her stork-ish body; long and elegant.

All worries now left her as she admired her reflection, her wiry arms and legs.

After she undressed fully she carefully laid her clothes away from the bath, taking one last look in the mirror, surely others thought her beautiful. That was with tons of make-up on, what would they think of her if they saw her without it?

The water gently flowed over her body, her breasts almost submerged in the water. Sierra sat up, her blond hair falling over her shoulder making a quiet, wet slapping noise. She slid her self back into sitting position, grabbed a bar of soap and began lathering her left leg. Once satisfied, Sierra laid it back in the water and repeated the same exercise with other leg.

*****

Storming out the building he, wanted to hurt someone. Walking a bit, he realized how nervous he was; the dark had never been his favourite thing. He walked on, anxiously looking over his shoulder now and again, normal shadows mutating into hideous abominations at night. Maybe he had been a bit hard on her, but she said he should have been afraid and pointed out his age. What did she know? Maybe some people don't experience it. Wait, what about him being afraid right now? That's different--everyone's afraid of the dark. On the other hand, was he being a hypocrite? He needed to think; luckily, the bathhouse would be empty now.

Making his way there Alexzander heard water being run inside. He was surprised by this and slightly curious, but whoever it was wouldn't like him intruding; and if it were a girl, he surely would be slapped. He heard a blissful sigh and tried to remember where he had heard it before. It struck him then that it had been from Sierra; he felt the need to apologize to her, so he waited outside the building until she came out. Alexzander heard someone getting out. He reckoned that by time he was in she would have a towel on. He pushed velvet curtain open to see Sierra standing up to rinse her hair in the shower, completely nude. That can’t be Sierra, the beauty in those hips the softness of her skin as the water runs off.

Alexzander then saw his sister's birthmark. Here he was fantasizing over his sister's naked form, he had better go quickly before she saw him. His head was telling him to leave but his hormones were screaming stay.

He had never seen Sierra this majestic, this beautiful.

The suds of shampoo dripping off her body stopping at her breast and then continuing as she washed it all off. The way her body moved, as she cleaned all the soap off her hair. Her soaking wet hair, trickling down her shoulders- back and off her thighs and pubic hairs. She grabbed the cake of soap and began to lather up her thighs, and in-between her legs moaning softly as she thoroughly cleaned her privates. The serenity of the building was so blissful and relaxing he was no longer looking at his sister's body. Alexzander looked instead at her face, her eyes, they showed such care and compassion. How could he have hurt such a pure soul?

A loud masculine scream broke silence. Sierra jumped in shock, and realized she knew that scream. Dad!

Hearing the scream he turned tail, hoping Sierra never found out, it was wrong thoughts he was having. Check Dad and make sure he’s okay, then just forget what he saw.

She jumped out of bath and quickly pulled her clothes on. Not wanting to waste time drying, she hurriedly threw all her clothes on. After pulling the plug out, she rushed away.

******

Antio had tried to comfort Melissa in the dinner tent by saying they'd make up, but he wasn’t even sure if they would. He felt bad about leaving her, but he knew best thing for her would be to have a little cry to herself. Then tomorrow he would talk to them both. After all, he still had few years left in him.

Antio walked along taking in circus at dark. It was amazing a place at certain times was so loud, then other times so quiet. In the distance, he could see the lights of Kajen-- the nearby town controlled by Jared. He owned all for miles, from Kajen to Beveio. Antio walked on awhile-longer taking in the circus at night. When he saw six distinct blobs moving towards him. They materialize into six men. Antio knew all of them.

“Well Raxilliian what a lovely night for walk, don’t you think?”

The one in middle responded, “Save it old man you’re coming with us willingly or we get to persuade you to come.”

“Raxilliian you know how pleased I’d be to come and see your boss, but it is late don’t you think?”

One of the men came and punched Antio in gut. “I told you old man, your coming with us now or we get to persuade you.”

Antio responded to the punch good naturedly “Oh Dennis I should of paid you back earlier I know.”

Raxilliian smile disappeared forget the job men, "lets show Antio he needs to respect us."

All the men starting drawing closer to Antio clenching their fists. He backed away and held his hand up “Now, look I’ll go I just had a drink we all get funny after drink.”

Raxilliian grinned evilly “Bout to get funnier, old man.”

*****************************

I needed to run now, but they came at me like vultures. I ran they followed. I knew I was surely going to die; this place was so flat no hills or any slopes for miles. I stopped and held my ground; yeah like this make any difference. They swarmed at me, one punching me in gut another kneeing me in privates. I groaned from both attacks but stood firm.

I tried fighting back, but there was just too many elbowing me kicking, punching. I felt pain all over my body. I wanted release I wanted all the pain too go. They wouldn’t halt, they were no longer men they were monsters the blood lust clear in their eyes. Then one punched my nose particular hard. I heard snap and cried out in pain. Why couldn’t they halt… stop this ever growing pain? Why couldn’t they understand I had been slightly drunk? My assaulters continued their faces not filled with remorse or anger. It was glee and excitement. They were enjoying my pain. These men were beasts beating me senseless, how did grown men succumb to this madness?

I could take no more; I fell, landed on the ground. Any decent people would of left me then. No these beast may of once been men, but they had lost their sense of dignity. They moved in blood lust burning in their eyes. They started to punch and kick me. With each attack, I screamed. They sent no end of attacks on me making my whole body scream out in torment. I felt wetness all over my body. How was I still alive when I was bleeding so much?

Raxilliian lifted me up by my collar and another of the people gave me an uppercut when Raxilliian let go. I went flying and landed with thump I looked up and saw they were six spotty blobs. One blob hit me. Even in my semi unconscious state, they still drove on with the attacks. My head was now bleeding and probably my whole body too. I saw a glint of metal from a blob coming towards my chest. Then I felt no more, excruciating pain. My last thought was, what drives a man to become a beast once more?

*********************

Alexzander ran out of the bathhouse fast.

That can’t have been his sister in there it couldn’t have, he begun to say. What about the birthmark, his conscience argued. Well maybe another performer has one like it!, he explained. No even if birthmark didn’t prove it, you know what she looks like dummy, his conscience speculated. It’s impossible to fall in love with your sister… Alexzander insisted. His conscience laughed and replied, [/i]who said it love it’s more lust I would say.[/i]The conscience continued I saw when she cleaned her privates; you were wishing you be with her. Alexzander argued But she sounded hot even someone who wasn’t her brother would find that so beautiful. The Conscience giggled You’re sick you know, it’s not normal loving your sister. But… pleaded Alexzander. The conscience interrupted No buts! You could of left after seeing she was still inside, but no, you had to watch.

Alexzander closed his mind off. Ran in the general direction where he remembered the scream. He then heard a more feminine scream nearby, right in the main tent. Without knowing that he was, he screamed “Mum!” He sped up heading straight for the big top What was going on tonight?!?

**********

Sierra had run straight to scream having good hearing; she was just in time to see her Dad beaten down to the ground. She crept quickly behind the nearby Caravan and watched as the men beat her Dad to death. They showed no mercy kept punching and kicking, she was so hoping they get bored. However, they never did even with her dad screaming they continued. The tallest one picked him up and let the other guy upper cut blood spattered all over the ground from his wounds. Then in a flash, the main person pulled out a blade and stabbed him right in the chest. She screamed “No!” and burst into Sierrars. All six of them turned round and then she saw damage they had done to him. He was barely even recognizable now. She bent over and vomited. When she looked up, she saw the main guy

“You’re lucky girly that we need to take you to our boss, otherwise I’d let my men have their way with ya.”

One walked up “You do know not like the boss will know? Why don’t we make her ready for Jared so to speak!” He then grinned, “We’d be doing her favor she so wet, nothing much left to imagination.”

Sierra glared and shivered at that comment. There was a flash of silver and the man who had spoken was on the ground, blood dripping from his neck.

Raxilliian cleaned the knife with thumb and forefinger “Anyone else want to argue, or the rest of ya arses smart enough to listen?” He kicked the man body hard.

Now if anyone tries anything with her, you’ll end up like poor Franco, got it!?”

All the men were quiet immediately. Raxilliian carried on speaking, “Orders are orders. The Contract clearly says that the whole family to be killed I know Jared dealing with Melissa, but we've yet to find Alex and Jared told us this girl is to remain untouched and brought to his mansion.” He grinned “Where servants can get her into something more comfortable.”

Another man moved out, "Hold on if all of them are to die, then why does she li..arrgh gurgle." Raxilliian moved down to the body and pulled the knife out the neck, "That's it if anyone fucking questions me again I won't kill ya so fast."

"Now find that boy, he can't be far, I want to receive all my money for this job so first one to find him gets half of my bonus."

The men spread out and left, all that remained was Raxilliian, her guard and another two men as well as the two corpses.

Raxilliian walked over to Sierra “Though baby if ya don’t like being with him always come to my place, I’m much younger if ya catch my drift?” Raxilliian winked at Sierra slyly.

Sierra looked up and reached her hand to slap him. A man quickly grabbed both her hands so she spat on his face.

Raxilliian snarled and struck her face. “You fucking whore I could of spared you of much worse. Well, too late now.”

Sierra cried out and struggled in vain.

Raxilliian laughed at this and then sneered, “Hope you enjoy tonight my little slut.”

Sierra couldn’t guess what he meant, but she was sure it was much worse than being with these guys. She struggled vainly against the man's strength.

She stopped struggling and looked at the guy smiling. His hair was crimson reaching down to his shoulders with hint of black. His eyes were like miniature emeralds. He had some stubble on his chin. He was large and muscular with compassion none of the others had in their eyes

“You seem different... I don't recognize you from mob who murdered my father”

He relaxed his grip slightly loosening “I was away during then, I'm sorry for your loss.”

She smiled at his thoughtfulness thinking that first time since this all began someone has cared for her, "Why did you take this job?"

He looks around nervously his eyes darting back and forth, sweat appearing on his brow and forehead. After a while he calmed, "My family is in debt, I don't personally find it appealing, but I need the money."

Sierra gazed sadly around seeing the brightly coloured Canvas of the big top; the saccharine hued trailers, the reason was supposed to be as this place represented happiness, but the colours seem to mock her.

The man looked down at her, "I've seen you preform, you always smiled beautifully."

She sighed and carried on to stare around replying in a bare whisper, "I only smile because I have to."

He swung her around and looked at her confused, "but... you're amazing, everyone loves you... why do you have to fake a smile!"

Again she sighed looking down, "Dreams can be made and crushed here, if you succeed you're always forced to try harder, my father was injured during his heyday he was replaced by Alexzander and I."

That didn't make sense, since the theme of the circus was happiness but here she was a girl who lived all her life there, and she wasn't exactly happy, he knew of course where she'd end up, but was this girl worth risking such an important mission.

He saw fear in her eyes, this was a girl who risked all (flying through the air, no net below just sand) just for a few people and now she was positively terrified staring at her feet and shivering.

"I can't hide it any longer Miss, I know what's going to happen to you."

She immediately looked at him with a silent plea, "Tell me..."

He looked away guilty, "I shouldn't, Raxilliian will kill me."

Her look intensified until he had to look away; she was so beautiful no one like her deserved what was in store for her. What difference though knowing would do, it's not as if she would feel better, truth be told she'd feel worse. Something though kept insisting he tell her if only to make unknown, known.

"The man you know as boss is going to be your husband from now on, refusal isn't an option for Jared only thinks of women as objects."

Sierra was shocked and beat his chest with her fist, "No, no, no... you got to help me 'PLEASE'!"

"Miss you barely know me, yet you're so desperate for help you want mines... I'm Eolen and I'm sorry but I can't do a thing so quit hitting my chest before I have you gagged and tied up."

Sierra stopped and suddenly lent on his shoulder and cried quietly at first but rising in volume, Eolen was so confused and rubbed her back mainly to calm her down. She carried on harder sniffling, "No one else has been as kind to me as you have, I...I...I...I...I..."

Eolen looked around nervously, checking Raxilliian was still talking, "Please Miss stop crying, I can't do anything I'm sorry..."

She lifted her head from his shoulder closed her eyes, "I love you..."

Eolen heart speed sped up, before he knew what he doing his eyes were closed and there lips met, she kissed him back feeling a little less nervous her arms soon snaking round his back. It turned intense and passionate, but after a while Eolen pulled away his eyes now blood-shot sweat profuesly falling from his forehead. He looked around in terror. "I can't, I shouldn't..."

Sierra turned away from him, "I'm sorry, I didn't mean... maybe you better forget I said anything."

He surprised himself and embraced her. She looked up. I can't let anything happen to her he decides. He kissed her again, surprising Sierra, "I love you too, and I'll work out something."

Eolen walked over to him clearing his throat, Raxilliian looked up raising his eyebrow and looking behind Eolen then finally facing him, "What?!"

"I've a request to make Raxilliian."

Raxilliian grunted obviously annoyed, "Fine!"

Eolen nervously tried to form words whatever he said he must make it seem nothing like he had ulterior motives, "I request to carry on my job and guard her for Jared in his house..."

The silence was horrible, had he been caught with her anytime? Raxilliian looked at him for a while his cold hard eyes drilling into his mind, "It's not up to me!" He added more calmly "But you've earned it."

He nodded and walked off back to Sierra, he'd need to persaude Jared now. She was still waiting looking at him with hope in her eyes, "Yes Sierra, I got something, I'm going to ask Jared if I can be your guard."

She smiled weakly, then just held him, "It'll have to do I guess."

Eolen quickly pecked her on cheek, then grabbed her arms and told her to struggle again.

Raxilliian stopped talking and stared into the night “Bloody hell we've waited long enough, lets go men."


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Sat May 17, 2008 6:40 pm
Eimear wrote a review...



Hey, so finally got round to reviewing this. I read it, meant to comment and then wandered off to do something else so...here I am! Alright, phew, here goes.

It's one raw, graphic read. If you can be given anything at this point, it's respect for your nerve. A brother watching his sister in the tub? The mind boggles.

So, the start.

Sierra ran aimlessly, just wanting never to see and hear Alexzander. When she finally stopped running blind, she saw she had run to the bathhouse; a room about the ten times the size of an outhouse with a domed roof; an entrance with loose purple curtain --it was supposed to be for only Jared and his closest acquaintances-- Maybe I need a bath, she thought. The bathhouse was quite small with an exquisite porcelain tub. The taps were made of pure silver with a ruby and a sapphire to represent the hot and cold taps. At the top of the building was a shower nozzle. The towel rail in the corner was made of polished metal with varnished marble knobs to hold the poles in. Grabbing a nice red velvet towel she hung it over the bar.


I don't know about anyone else, but I think that's a lot for an opening paragraph. There's too many words, V. It's a trait you can notice in novices- over description means over compensating for lack of experience. It's just too much. Less of the telling, we get the idea- she's running towards the bathhouse in a craze of emotions and taking a bath.

Lose some of the words- that's an agent's nightmare when picking up a hopeful piece for publising. You need to grab our attention, hold it, and leave us wanting more.

As we move through the piece, I can see little words here and there that are either left out or in the wrong place. I know it's hard when you're so used to your work but leaving a chapter and coming back to it will highlight them for you.

Just while I'm at it, heres one:

He kicked the man's body hard.


Still moving through, you build tension well through switching view points.

Italics are well used as well.

Hmm, some of the dialogue lacks energy. Here's an example.

“You fucking whore I could of spared you of much worse. Well, too late now.”


I don't expect he would have said that in a slow, calm manner.

It would be better like:

“You fucking whore, I could of spared you of much worse! Well, too late now.”


If you catch my drift.

I'm interested in the characters, and the ending was great. Nothing to pull you up on there.

Good progress, just work on the 'wordy' element and we're onto a win.

Best wishes,

Ami




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Sat May 17, 2008 8:55 am
Aedomir wrote a review...



Hey Vernon!

I will get to the others soon enough, fear not! Anyway, I thought this was a very intriguing chapter; I am interested in the love affair between Eolen and Sierra. I found quite a few errors in terms of grammar, but in terms of actual plot not much was lft to be desired – it grabbed my attention.

I have enclosed the actual review as a Word ‘03 file, if you cannot open it, let me know.




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Sun Sep 23, 2007 3:20 pm
cheeb wrote a review...



Siegfried wrote:Maybe I do need a bath, she thought.

I'd italicise her thoughts.

Siegfried wrote:She slid her self back into sitting position,

Herself should be one word.

Siegfried wrote:He was surprised *by* this and slightly curious,

So, what's with the ** things?

Siegfried wrote:Alexzander heard the scream and scampered. Now recognizing the scream and not wanting to be caught.

I'd merge these sentences into one.

Siegfried wrote:Tea jumped out of bath and quickly pulled her clothes on. Not wanting to waste time drying, she hurriedly threw all her clothes on. After pulling the plug out, she rushed away.

Here it occurs to me, if she hears her father screaming in pain, I can understand her grabbing some clothing but would she really stop to worry about the plug?

Siegfried wrote:the nearby town controlled by the circus master.


Siegfried wrote:Antio walked on awhile longer taking in the circus at night. When he saw six distinct blobs moving towards him.

These would work better as one sentence. Try merging them?

Siegfried wrote:They materialized into six men.


Siegfried wrote:"Save it old man, you’re coming with us willingly or we get to persuade you to come."

(Comma, in case the red doesn't show clearly enough.)

Siegfried wrote:One of the men came and punched Antio in the gut. “I told you old man, you're coming with us now or we get to persuade you.”


Siegfried wrote:Antio responded to the punch good-naturedly. “Oh Dennis I should have paid you back earlier I know.”

I think good-naturedly is better hyphenated, and you want a fullstop before Antio starts talking.

Siegfried wrote:Jacob's smile disappeared. "Forget the job men, [color=red]let's show Antio he needs to respect us."


Siegfried wrote:“Now, look I’ll go I just had a drink we all get funny after drink.”

I think this should be broken up into at least two sentences.

Siegfried wrote:I ran, they followed.
Can I say one thing here, aside from the comma? I don't really like the change to Antio's first person perspective, I'd prefer it to remain third-person. If you like it this way then of course keep it, but... that's my two cents.
PS: There are a few more spots in this section that would benefit from more commas, I won't point out each one specifically.

Siegfried wrote:I wanted release, I wanted all the pain to go.


Siegfried wrote:Any decent people would have left me then.


Siegfried wrote:No these beasts may have once been men, but they had lost their sense of dignity.


Siegfried wrote:That can’t have been my sister in there it couldn’t have, he began to say.

Since it's him thinking it, he'd say "my" sister. Good one on italicising it though. :smt023
With the rest of this, you should probably put each thought on a new line, it's easier to read that way.

Siegfried wrote:No buts! You could have left after seeing she was still inside, but no, you had to watch.


Siegfried wrote:"Hold on if all of them are to die, then why does she li..arrgh gurgle."

Definitely don't use those... interrupt him after "live" and say he stopped suddenly and collapsed or whatever. Actually, you could use "arrgh" if you really really wanted to, but "gurgle" is definitely out. :D

Siegfried wrote:Tea gazed sadly around seeing the brightly coloured canvas of the big top; the saccharine hued trailers, the reason was supposed to be as this place represented happiness, but the colours seemed to mock her.


Siegfried wrote:"I've seen you perform, you always smiled beautifully."


Siegfried wrote:He saw fear in her eyes, this was a girl who risked all (flying through the air, no net below just sand) just for a few people and now she was positively terrified staring at her feet and shivering.

I don't know about the parentheses. Is there something else you could use for that purpose?

Siegfried wrote:Eolen's heart speed sped up, before he knew what he doing his eyes were closed and their lips met,


Siegfried wrote:It turned intense and passionate, but after a while Eolen pulled away his eyes now blood-shot sweat profusely falling from his forehead.


Siegfried wrote:He surprised himself and embraced her, she looks up. I can't let anything happen to her he decides. He kisses her again, surprising Tea, "I love you too, and I'll work out something."

I'd italicise Eolen's thoughts.

Siegfried wrote:Eolen nervously tried to form words, whatever he said he must make it seem nothing like he had ulterior motives,


Siegfried wrote:He nodded and walked off back to Tea, he'd need to persuade Jared now.


Overall? Nice. I got stuck on the bathroom scenes... heh, just kidding. If I hadn't already seen this I would never have seen the deaths coming, so good on you. :smt023

- Mattstor!!




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Fri Jun 01, 2007 9:55 pm
TheEccentricScribe wrote a review...



First paragraph, last two sentences, remove comma after "just."

And, well she knew was pretty and easy target, so she needed to be careful.

This attempt at an older linguistic feel fails and comes off as more confusing and sloppy, not to mention that it's missing words, lol. "And well she knew that she was pretty and an easy target, so she needed to be more careful."

Uh, you have breasts possessive, "breast's." It should only be breasts. No apostrophe.

Hmm . . . I don't personally care for the explicitness in the following paragraph, it feels a bit gratuitous, but that's my taste, and not really an objective suggestion.

Maybe a bath wasn't such a good idea, this time at night she thought nervously, well she needed to think, and what better way?

The flow in this sentence is just off. It should really be two sentences. Maybe a bath wasn't such a good idea this time at night, she thought nervously. Well, she needed time to think, and what better way?

Is it necessary to say "completely" naked? Would she be bathing any other way? I think it's unnecessary emphasis.

He walked on, anxious looking over his shoulder now and again, normal shadows mutating into hideous abomination at night.

Anxiously, I think, would be better. And abominations should be plural, since it agrees with shadows.

How could he of hurt such a beautiful soul?

Of really should be have.

Alexzander heard the scream and scampered. Now recognizing the scream and not wanting to be caught.

Second sentence is incomplete.

As a side note, I'd say the explicitness here is much more necessary, since you're fleshing out something about Alex . . . bleh, not to my taste, but it is necessary to create the kind of character development you intended at the moment. It doesn't seem gratuitous here, is what I mean to say, even if it's not my type of writing.

Antio had tried to comfort Mellissa in the dinner tent by saying they make up,

"they would make up," you mean.

Antio walked on while longer taking in the circus at night. When he saw six distinct blobs moving towards him. You need the indefinite article "a" before "while. The second sentence as it is really doesn't stand on its own; it should be a clause attached to the first. . . . Distinct blobs? Isn't that a contradiction? Lol.

"Save it old man you're coming with us willingly or we get to persuade you too come." Wrong kind of to. Second too should be to, lol.

Jacob smile disappeared forget the job men, lets show Antio he needs to respect us.

It should read: Jacob's smile disappeared. "Forget the job men, let's show Antio he needs to respect us."

The swarmed at me,

They swarmed at me,

Then one punched my nose particular hard

It should be particularly.

Why couldn't they halt, stop this ever growing pain,. Get rid of the comma and the period at the end and replace it with a question mark.

These men were beast beating me senseless,

Agreement: beast should be beasts.

I could take no more I fell landed on ground. Recast: I could take no more; I fell, landed on the ground. Or I could take no more; I fell and landed on the ground.

Jacob lifted me up by my collar and another of the people gave me uppercut when Jacob let go. Should read: gave me an uppercut

Wondering, why did you switch from third to first person? It's not wrong, just weird to do it midstream. Just be aware of it.

My last thoughts what drives a man to become a beast once more? This sentence is grammatically impaired. Try: My last thought was, what drives a man to become a beast once more?

What about birthmark,

What about the birthmark?

No even if birthmark didn’t prove it, you know what she looks like dummy, his conscience speculated. Speculated is the wrong verb here.

you were wishing you be with her. Need "could" between "you" and "be."

But she sounded hot even someone who wasn't her brother find that so beautiful. "would" between brother and find.

and ran in general direction where he remembered scream. Ran in the general direction where he remembered the scream.

for big top should be "for the big top."

She crept quickly behind nearby Caravan and watched as the men beat her Dad to death. behind nearby the caravan . . . I don't like the prepositions behind and nearby sitting together like that.

However, they never did even with her Dad screaming they continued. In the context of these sentences, dad shouldn't be capitalized.

Then in flash should be then in a flash.

He kicked the man body hard. Genitive, it should be "man's."

Tea looked up reached her hand to slap him. "and" between "up" and "reached."

She struggled vainly against the man strength. Stop skipping genitives. "man's strength."

This wasn’t best stunt to try, but if she managed she have another dead.

Fix that sentence.

"Really well that a relief." "that's"

I'm worried what going to happen to me.

I'm worried about what's going to happen to me.

She could of run but the game of seduction had changed her mind she wanted this guy for real. game of, could of, meh. Make it could have to iron out the repetition. Put a comma after mind.

She wanted too not go near him. To, not too.

He just nervous, He's

Eolen time for talking over

. . . Fix that sentence.

The kissing became more passionate and when she slipped her tongue. The second subject/verb pairing, after and, is an incomplete sentence.

Stop please it feels so amazing, don't stop now.

Fix that sentence, too.

Don't forget who best at teasing.

And that one.

This oughta drive him nuts

Need a period there.

She pushed him on too ground and moaned his members entered beyond her privates where no man had been yet.

. . . Members?


Watch out for the missed periods, the missed indefinite articles, and the missteps in agreement. I'm not a fan of explicit writing, as I've said, but many others are. Go slower with your typing to make sure your grammar is less off, and it'll make the writing much more approachable for the reader.




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Fri May 25, 2007 1:26 pm
AyumiGosu17 says...



A bit graphic for me, but it was really good.




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Sat May 19, 2007 1:00 pm
Insomnia wrote a review...



Hey again lol. There was nothing specific here wrong. You much have edited it well. But i think there were a few places where you should have used commas to give the sentance a better flow.

But it was really good. The story is disturbing, and intriguing. And I laughed when Alexzander was thinking about being afraid of the dark. That shows more clearly who he is.




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Sun Apr 29, 2007 8:18 am
Elizabeth says...



Augh crap... I'm turned on.
*hits self over head*

I'm already fixing it with you but I just wanted people to know I screamed at you because you're so evil... and I'm upset and I screamed at you....




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Sun Mar 25, 2007 2:12 pm
Magyk wrote a review...



She sniveled fresh tears shedding from her eyes. She slipped her shoes off. She pulled one sock off and tested the water with her naked foot. It felt so sensual and warm. She twisted both taps off and pulled her other sock off. She tugged her top off lifting her arms up.

Its hard to read because you use the word 'she' so much. Try and use some other words instead of she.

Tea pulled the strings loose on her under shirt, her breast'S vaguely visible.

Her breast'S fell down a bit as she discarded her undershirt.

There should be an 's after breast. It sounds like there is only one.

He reckoned that by time he was in she WOULD have A towel on. He pushed THE velvet curtain open to see Tea standing up to rinse her hair in THE shower, completely nude.


You missed out a few words which would make it easier to read. I added them in bold caps.

Alexzander then saw his sister'S birthmark


Here he was fantasizing over his sister'S naked form, he had better go quickly before she saw him.


he was no longer looking at his sister'S body


It should say sister's, not sister in all of those. Again in bold caps.

Alexzander heard THE scream and scampered. Now recognizing THE scream and not wanting to be caught.


After pulling THE plug out,


Add in those 'the's too.



I haven't critiqued all of it but I will try to add more soon. I like the story so far but I think you need to keep aware of your 's and joining words.

-Magyk




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Sat Mar 24, 2007 7:49 am
Mad wrote a review...



It was nicely written, the description was very good. There were just a few small areas which stopped the story flowing well.

She snivelled fresh tears shedding from her eyes.
I don't think that snivelled fits in here, it doesnt really make sense, (this could just be me, but is snivelled a word? I know theres snivel and snivelling).

Like I said there is some nice description, I'm a bit confused as to the setting. I probably need to go and read the first part of this so that I know exactly what is going on.

Nice piece, I'd like to read more chapters from this story.




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Sat Mar 24, 2007 7:21 am
Riedawriter23 wrote a review...



Whoa, I've never read the first and looks like I'll have to, this is really good! :) I only noticed that some sentence structure was missing words and I didn't get the parts where you put *the word*, you also mentioned the word breast too much in one of the paragraphs, not when Alexzander was looking at her but when she was about to get into the tub. hehe.

Otherwise I loved it. I don't think I've read any of your actual writing and this was great! I'll have to start following this.

Keep at it!
~Rieda




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Sat Mar 24, 2007 7:21 am
Nutty says...



good description, Just watch your emphasis and comma use.
Interesting... I'll keep an eye out for more :wink:





*surprised scream* Aaaaah, NaNo!
— spottedpebble