Young Writers Society

Radrook here a once again to offer some suggestions.
Apologies if i offend. It isn’t my intention.
Please feel full free to cast aside all things you deem not helpful.
But if you do be sure its true by being extra careful.

That having been said:


Wow! That is sure a well organized poem on the page. Love the way that the letters are arranged. To me the poem can have a meaning beyond the romantic. It seems to refer to a supernatural being who despite seeing so many humans, still considers the individual person special. That harmonizes very well with what we are told biblically, that to God we are all special. Within that intergenerational context the dark side of the moon could be understood to represent a condition away from the light of God where he finds many of us before we acknowledge Christ as Savior. The floating could be understood as the feeling of having the weight of sin lifted from our shoulders once we feel saved.

Hi, I have a review for you!

1. I really like the way you used physical spacing in your poem to show distance, and I think it created a sense of freedom and wonder that isn't usually gotten from other poems. I also think that not capitalizing certain things adds on to this, by breaking the rules of grammar. That said, I have a criticism in that your use of numbers (100 billion and zero, for example) don't really match this theme because they are so telling. (Because numbers never lie.)
2. A. If you're talking about someone so special to you, it might be better to focus on the person themselves rather than what number of stars are in the sky. Even if such numbers are exaggerations, it would be best to change them. B. This poem mostly talks about the narrator, but the other person seems more like an inanimate object rather than someone who's alive and breathing.
3. Diction is important and is also something that you have, and yet could also be worked on. For instance, I like the word "floating" in the first line, and "melt" in the 7th line. But there's a couple words I think you may have missed. "Lights", in the third line is a good example. What kind of light are you speaking of? You could replace that with candles, lanterns, glitter-things, sparks, etc. "Dances" is flat out bland. "Dark" on the last line also could be replaced with something more enticing, as it doesn't make a specific ring to the end of your poem save for the italics.
"Telescope" also implies distance, which is probably not something you want to have as an undertone to a writing about a person who is close to you.
4. Speaking of which, I'm with alliyah with the italics and don't think it really serves a purpose other than looking pretty.
5. What does the dark side of the moon mean? Does it represent otherwise isolation from the world? Is the reader supposed to interpret this for themselves? I could ask more about it, but I think you should answer this.
6. a last good thing: I like how you juxtaposed sun and moon in the last verse, and think other comparisons like that could support each other if there were more in the poem.

All in all, definitely a unique poem with both its ups and downs. Nice Job! I hope I can read your future works

CursedTorch

Hi there Galaxy, I'm here for a short review.

Choice of Theme
So first of all, I'm almost always going to be a fan of space imagery in love poems because what is more incredible than space? Pretty much nothing! And there are so many opportunities for unique imagery and very specific language that one isn't able to use if they were writing with a different illustration. I think you took advantage of the "spacey" theme really well getting those phrases that are unique to space talk (ie. galaxy, gravity, moon, star, milky way).

Formatting
Going to analyze the formatting stuff now:

Your first stanza does a nice job of showing "space" by literally using white space clever. It captures that idea of being kind of alone in a blank world, and just one aspect of a greater whole. The way you placed the letters was just quirky enough that it wasn't distracting or un-readable. Nice work there.

Now after that next stanza, I can't figure out the significance or meaning of having a line being in italics. Sometimes italics indicates a change or transition in speaker, but it seems about the same. I almost think an indent would be better unless there is a specific reason you're choosing to italicize.

Next bit about the milky way, I love how it looks melty on the page like the letters are dripping down. The pun of using "way" in a double-entendre is also clever.

As I get to that very last line, again I can't figure out what possible significance the italics could have. I mean the line is already double indented, and is all by itself -- it's not like we're going to miss it. It almost seems a bit redundant to be emphasizing it that much.

Meaning
Getting to the meaning of the poem, I read this poem as being a description of how the speaker feels they are viewed in the eyes of their love or partner (or maybe even God or the divine?). They feel like they are someone who is inconsequential, but have been chosen (like a star in the sky) and then in the middle portion again the speaker focuses on this aspect of being seen by the person that they love. Lastly in the final portion of the poem the speaker and their love are seen interacting and are portrayed as opposites almost again maybe emphasizing the magnitude and significance of the the partner's love. I'm not sure I understand the last line, it could be a final allusion to the hiddeness that the speaker feels, but I'm not entirely sure.

2 Final Critiques/Suggestions
One critique I have is that I think that the poem gets a bit scattered starting with the line " as your hands, flushed by the sun," (also no need for so many commas in that line). You see before this line the poem was really focussed on this concept of being seen and the speaker making this big comparison to the star. Then the two finally meet but the reader doesn't get to see that moment, and suddenly the star imagery and allusion is forgotten and tossed away for moon and temperature allusions. I would love to see the star imagery permeate the poem through the ending as it does in the first half.

Last critique, I think this line, "through the ends of your telescope" is odd, because unless I'm mistaken a person only looks through one end not both ends of a telescope. So I just had a hard time picturing this.

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Overall, it was a lovely poem with a clear concept and some striking imagery. Well done!

Good luck in your future writing, and do let me know if you have any questions about my review.

~alliyah

Hi. Sharon here for a short review. The poem is actually very beautiful. The imagery in so few words is excellent. But at the same time I feel like this metaphor or comparison is getting cliched nowadays. I get the feeling that you have tried to express in the poem. It does signify deep love and affection. Still, I personally feel that for this particular poem, you could have stuck to the traditional form of writing poetry instead of that kind of spacing in between words and letters. Again, that too is getting kinda overrused nowadays. For me the best part was the last paragraph. I sure feel that it is an amazing ending to a beautiful poem. Looking forward to read more from you. Thank you

such beauty
much wow

Hello, Steggy here for a short review!

I really do love the type of "aesthetic" you are trying to place here. With that, it does bring out the importance of some of the words and even seems to give off that spacey vibe if that makes sense. One of the things I also liked within this is your relate space back to love and I think I've read some poems about that but you seem to break free from that with this type of poem. However, while I do like what is happening throughout this, I do have some small suggestions that I think that could make this poem a little better. One of the things I suggest is ending your ending a little better because it feels as though the knot that holds this whole poem together isn't quite tightened well enough. Basically, you could make it a little bit longer and even go into their lose or something (while yes it is about love and whatnot, it wouldn't hurt to go into the heartbreak someone might feel).

i see your eyes made of galaxies

melt me away

Hi there! Here to leave a review

I'll start by saying I absolutely love how you've structured this. It's original, it's quirky, and it completely fits your poem. It's amazing! Well done!

Your poem is very short, so I would suggest you add a couple more stanzas as you've got plenty of room to add more imagery and detail (and I really like this poem and would love to read more, as would many other people I'm sure (and I just rhymed that unintentionally - how ironically poetic )). Plus, the poem switches focus when you start with "melt me away..." so I would suggest adding another stanza before this to help it flow more smoothly into it.

Also, the way your poem is structured as a story, it would be a good idea to use enjambment as it helps to create a more story-like, narrative tone. For example,

you chose to look at me through the
ends of your telescope

"Ends" is quite powerful enough on its own, so starting a line with it will help strengthen the form and structure.

The description is really good, but as I've already said, I would love to see more in more stanzas. Just don't make it too long. The poem works nicely as a short one, but a little extra will improve it a lot.

Overall, I really, really like the poem and idea you have here. I hope my review has helped

KayLou1609