z

Young Writers Society



amethyst heart

by dalisay


i reside in a mine full of rubble and empty dreams

a place you used to fill with bright diamonds

hopeful pearls

peaceful amethyst

and i cling to this stone you left behind

letting my fingers feel inside to understand

the pain you went though to get there

i feel the rough edges of the amethyst and the

smooth exterior and remember that

it is now a time of peace and healing for my

amethyst heart

it consumed you until you were nothing

but i believed no matter how far gone you were

a piece of you would remain in our hearts

you left your mark on this materialistic world

by seeing the good in the people you met

from the deepest canyons to the peak of Everest 

you touched my heart like nobody else could

even when i lost faith and ran out of love

your bright personality shone a path for me to follow

and i thank you

i thank you for making me smile with the stories

you'd tell that nobody could believe were true

but something about you made me

doubt my own intuition

i thank you for giving me and my family

something to look up to when we feel a sort of 

dullness in this damned world we live in

i thank you for fighting until the very end and

reminding me that this life isn't

the end

and now when i walk the house you once called home

i find myself feeling the inside of the amethyst stone

feeling the rough edges and reminding myself

to be at peace and to trust that

one day i'll see you again

Note: You are not logged in, but you can still leave a comment or review. Before it shows up, a moderator will need to approve your comment (this is only a safeguard against spambots). Leave your email if you would like to be notified when your message is approved.







Is this a review?


  

Comments


User avatar
235 Reviews

Points: 2200
Reviews: 235

Donate
Mon May 01, 2017 8:56 pm
inktopus wrote a review...



Hey, GalaxyUnicornz! Storm here for a review, so let's jump right into it!

Throughout the entire poem, you didn't have much flow. I think it's mostly from some of the awkward endings you had on your lines. It was choppy.

You also didn't use enough imagery in my opinion. You just told; you didn't show. In prose, 'show don't tell' is a very very common criticism that writers will hear. However, it is even more important in poetry. The definition of poetry is "literary work in which special intensity is given to the expression of feelings and ideas by the use of distinctive style and rhythm; poems collectively or as a genre of literature." (I got that definition from Google) To express your feelings, you can't just say "I'm sad." You have to describe it. A poem elaborates on those two words. A poem says what can be said in two words, but by elaborating it, it heightens the emotion felt.

you left your mark on this materialistic world

This line goes against your own poem. The person you're talking about 'left their mark on this materialistic world,' but you mention your amethyst heart, a piece of jewelry. I'm not calling you materialistic, but this line does go against a lot of your poem.

Overall, this poem wasn't bad. However, I feel like it would have been better as a letter or an essay. I understand that you miss the person that you're talking about, but this doesn't make me miss them too. I don't think that you cared about making others feel the same way you do, so I think writing this as a letter or an essay would have been a better choice. I just don't think that poetry accomplishes the goal you're aiming at.

Feel free to pm me or reply to this review if you have any questions. I'm happy to help!

~Storm




User avatar
145 Reviews

Points: 402
Reviews: 145

Donate
Mon May 01, 2017 8:53 pm
Thisislegacy wrote a review...



Legacy here for a review.

I love this poem. I see nothing wrong with it. The shaping of the stanza is like waves and it looks nice and appealing. The apparently unintentional rhymes of "home" and "stone" helps wrap all of this together.

I love how this poem tells a story about someone (romantic or not, doesn't matter either way) coming into your life; meeting your family and being there for you. Said person died, and you thank him for the way he changed your life and looking back on what was good about your life with him in it.

That's all I got. Nothing I see to correct. It is very appealing.





That, sir, is the most frightening battlefield in the world: the blank page.
— Larry McMurtry, Comanche Moon