Pretty green eyes that hypnotize,
A smile that made me feel complete,
A personality I’ll never forget,
I’ll always remember the day we met,
But the future has been foreseen,
You and I were never meant to be,
You ask me if I’m hurt when I see you with her,
But how can I be hurt when we never were?
You want to know if I feel any envy,
Tell me how I’d be jealous when you were never mine?
You’re so close to me yet so out of reach,
A dream of mine that will never come true,
A cry that will never be heard,
Teardrops that will never fall from me as I struggle in disbelief,
I watch the words that form on your lips,
As you mouth “ily” to her I start to feel sick,
I lay wide awake at night,
Can’t fall asleep no matter how hard I try,
I think about your worth,
What you mean to me,
A dream that will never be true,
No battle for you,
Just peace,
With heavy feet,
I move on
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140,755 Literary Works • 673,687 Reviews
I loved this poem. I related to it completely. Ha ha even down to the eye colour! I look forward to seeing more of your poetry. I thought it was beautiful, meaningful and its as if it came from the soul, which I appreciate above all else. You've really thought about this, and don't change it! There's nothing wrong with capitalizing the lines, that is irrelevant, the main thing is it is presented well with good vocab and expression. Pat yourself on the back, you deserve it!
hey there..!!
u need to work a bit on your presentation and grammar...
overall the poetry was amazing..!!
keep writing...
Me again!
)
I just wanted to say that if you wanted a better understanding of what I was trying to explain, I just read a poem called "I Am From" in the Narrative Poetry section, and this has many good examples of describing something without sayng it straight forward. (I also really enjoyed it and maybe you will too
Hey
First off, I want to say that I love Romances, and so this won my heart already. I actually just posted a poem of my own where every line was capitalized because I copied and pasted from my word document, and it always capitalizes the first word, and so this poem actually reminded me to go and fix it!
In general, I really like it. I had a little bit of a hard time to figure out if it was from the point of view of a boy or girl,but that might just be me.
Something I noticed about a lot of your lines were that they were very...straight forward. I'm not saying that's a bad thing, and sometimes it's for the better! However, in this poem I think if you took some of those lines and found another way to say them it'd make the poem much more effective.
The example I'll use is the line about the day they met that the person will never forget. What happened that day they met? Did they meet at an ice-cream store, did they bump into each other in the hallway at school? Did their orders at Wendy's get mixed up and they had to switch their meals to meet each other? One thing I love about poetry is that you're not required to say exactly what you're talking about, so you don't necessarily have to say that it's the first day they met, because the reader will most likely figure it out
I'm of little to know help on critiquing poetry, having never written any or read much, but I will say while I normally find poetry to be confusing and overly verbose yours was not. It was beautiful, in my opinion. I felt the raw emotion, that I assume you were feeling when you wrote this. I loved it!
Heya!
You do need a little work on presentation but I just
want to comment on the poem itself.
I think as poems about love go this is wonderful.
I have written some like this myself,
so I can relate to it.
My favourite part is,
''Pretty green eyes that hypnotize, A smile that made me feel complete, A personality I’ll never forget, I’ll always remember the day we met''
That flows so well and you can really feel how the
person feels from the way you wrote it.
If you want to check out my poem
''Catching His Eye'' its this sort of style.
You might like it.
Keep up the writing!
Are you a first time poet? If you aren't, I'm surprised. You make a lot of amateur mistakes; capitalizing very line, and having a comma at the end of every line rather then using necessary punctuation. You don't have any periods where you should; that isn't a good thing. Just read through this as how you originally intended in your mind. Any places where you seem like you should stop, but have a comma instead? I'll go into more depth if you so need me too, but I think you're fine. It's a not a bad poem otherwise, but so clouded by the bad grammar that we forget the true message. Help make that shine through, and PM me if you need anything.
-Elinor