My TenYo Poem- Please Help Me!!!

by crescent

  • Poetry
  • Other

Published April 17, 2010

In Poetry

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I wrote two with the same topic, but I don't know which is better or if they should be meshed together. Tell me what you think.

Spoiler! :
Tenyo is my fishy who is deceased.
He’s also a British fellow who is my friend on YWS.
He eats Dolly mixtures that are far too sweet
and Ramen in the middle of the night while everyone is asleep.
He gives good advice to people who are in need.
He’s a friend to people like you and me.
Whenever he enters,
you hear the screams of ecstatic chatters (even if it might just be Bella and me),
because he’s a guy who likes to make people smile.
Behind that screen is a kid with a kind heart.
He can do eighteen press ups in fifteen secs,
‘cause he’s cool like that.
Though he’s turning twenty this Friday the sixteenth,
he’ll always be a teen at heart.




Spoiler! :
Till 4am you’ll see him here,
smiling at you,
a beloved friend.
He uplifts spirits of those distressed,
and he helps others solve conundrums in life.
As reliable as the sun rise
is his diet of ramen.
Though descended from Liverpoolians,
there’s no trace of their criminal pasts.
His only crime is eating dolly mixtures,
eating things far too sweet for him.
But that’s okay,
because he’s a beast.
He can do 18 press ups in 15 sec.s,
while staring at YWS chat.
Who is this congenial British fellow?
It’s TenYo,
the one with the light yellow text.

Comments & reviews · 4
User avatar
crescent
Comment
crescent commented Comment · Apr 26, 2010

:) Bells :)

User avatar
isabellarivas43 Comment
isabellarivas43 commented Comment · Apr 23, 2010

You are absolutely right. Why didn't I see this before? TenYo is a great person, yeah it might be only you and me but we're cheering him on aren't we? :)

User avatar
Navita
Review
Navita wrote a review Review · Apr 17, 2010

Hey, just from a quick skim read, I can tell that TenYo makes for a very interesting person! However, because he is so interesting, I'd suggest breaking up his separate bizarre-aspects to make EACH one count a lot more, and be all the more intriguing - kind of like giving us time to digest each, you know? Try not to list everything, and maybe dwell on certain aspects of his character as the poem progresses - and maybe think about deleting some other, not-as-intriguing aspects for poetic purposes.



I lingered round them, under that benign sky: watched the moths fluttering among the heath and harebells, listened to the soft wind breathing through the grass, and wondered how any one could ever imagine unquiet slumbers for the sleepers in that quiet earth.
— Emily Bronte, Wuthering Heights