Homemade Chocolates & A Card

by crescent

  • Poetry
  • Narrative

Published February 15, 2011

In Poetry

PreviousNext

Spoiler! :
My version of poetry is somewhat different from what the rest of the world calls poetry. I tend to use phrases instead of sentences, somewhat like Haikus. Tell me what you think. This was a free-verse type thing that just so happened to also rhyme a little. I was inspired by Valentine's day and the awesome homemade chocolate heart my friend gave me. :)


Heart-shaped paper scissor-cut
Laced with red trim,
Box of homemade chocolates delicately wrapped with care,
Sunglasses darkly tinted hide my eyes,
And I hope that you won’t stare-
when I hand you my surprise.

Dimples on your cheeks,
Your eyes round as you take a peek-
Into the box hidden with good eats,
The wrapper lying crumpled on the floor,
I smile as you smile and resign back into the dark corners of your mind.

Comments & reviews · 2

User avatar
ehte92
Review
ehte92 wrote a review Review · Feb 15, 2011

Hello there...

Heart-shaped paper scissor-cut
Laced with red trim,
Box of homemade chocolates delicately wrapped with care,
Sunglasses darkly tinted hide my eyes,
And I hope that you won’t stare-#4000FF ">and i hope you won't stare- but here stare did not sound good while reading.. it seemed like it was forces to rhyme.
when I hand you my surprise.

Dimples on your cheeks,
Your eyes round as you take a peek-#4000FF ">your eyes round as you peek-
#4000FF ">into the box hidden with good eats#4000FF ">.
The wrapper lying crumpled on the floor,#4000FF ">Why is the wrapper lying crumbled on the floor?
I smile as you smile and resign back into the dark corners of your mind.#4000FF ">The line is too long disturbs the rhyme scheme.


But i did not notice anything different about your style of poetry as you say it is. But the poem was good, it could have been better but it was OK.
Keep writing. :)
PM me for anything.. :D

User avatar
KatTrain
Review
KatTrain wrote a review Review · Feb 15, 2011

"Heart-shaped paper scissor cut
Laced with red trim"

I know you say you use phrases but there are too choppy, even for your style. They don't make much sense together, either.

"The wrapper lying crumpled on the floor,
I smile as you smile and resign back into the dark corners of your mind."
I dislike how you have the wrapper on the floor since you describe the package as a box... I guess it could have wrapping but it's just not necessary to say.



“A good book isn't written, it's rewritten.”
— Phyllis A. Whitney, Guide to Fiction Writing