*This fanfic is underneath my folder titled “Are you afraid of the dark? (Season 1 2019 fanfics)”. Gacha Club character designs are under this forum: https://www.youngwriterssociety.com/viewtopic.php?f=27&t=117842. The main character is the villain in season one of the 2019 show “Are you afraid of the dark?”. Ruth is my OC and so is Betsy, except Betsy is the circus showgirl in the miniseries. She doesn’t have a name, lore, or lines, so I’m calling her Betsy and giving her a little bit of lore. Anyway, enjoy!*
Marcus combed his hair, adding the finishing touch to his look. It had been a year since he and Ruth married. They were going to go out on a date, just the two of them.
Since his marriage to Ruth, Marcus had been more hopeful about starting a carnival. The money from Ruth’s family was keeping them afloat, but soon, Marcus would find a job and then he would make enough money for a carnival, which would start a whole new world for them and-
A knock came on the front door. Ruth was still in the bathroom, prepping herself. Marcus got out of the vanity chair and walked out of their bedroom, downstairs, to answer the front door.
Marcus had the distinct feeling that only he could answer the door.
He turned the knob, unsure of what to expect.
It…it was Betsy?
Marcus opened the door, letting her in. Betsy held a brown leather briefcase, sealed with a gold buckle, in her hand. No…it couldn’t be…could it?
Marcus closed the door softly behind him.
Betsy opened the case. Inside it was money, neatly stacked into small piles, fresh and crisp.
“To start a carnival. Pursue your dreams.” Betsy whispered.
She closed the case softly, not making a sound.
Marcus hastily took the case and nodded at her.
“Who is it?” Ruth asked from upstairs.
“No one! It’s just the wind!” Marcus replied.
Betsy left, closing the door without so much as a peep, Marcus went to the basement, with the money.
He was going to start a carnival. A real, solid, CARNIVAL!
It WAS possible, just like in his mother’s stories!
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125,021 Literary Works • 672,739 Reviews
Hello!
This is a really good text; it has enough extra detail to not rush, but enough exciting stuff to be well, yeah, exciting.
The characters are well-build, and I can't really talk about the plot since I haven't read any other texts from the same subject (yet) The setting isn't really explored much, but that suits this text well, because the reader can imagine it and it isn't important for the current plot (of this text I mean) or maybe you explored it in another text, in which case please ignore this paragraph
One thing I would suggest:
It feels a bit strange on those last two lines, and I'm not 100% sure but I think maybe because you used caps to emphasize the words "Carnival" and "Was".
What I would do instead would be to use italic, because in my opinion it would be less shocking/distracting and more natural, while still emphasizing those words. Maybe I'm wrong, though, and anyways it's you the author so listen to yourself, too!
I like the mysteriousness around Betsy, how she silently comes in, whispers, gives this immense and saving amount of money and leaves in the same way. It makes a big difference compared to if you had just made her walk in, loudly talk and stomp off. It's really good!
I like the techniques you used in this text: for example, how on the line "start a whole new world for them and-" I like how you cut off that sentence, as if we were inside Marcus's thoughts, and witness them being cut off in that way. Also, on "It... it was Betsy?" and "No... it couldn't be... could it?" These parts also add to the feeling of being in Marcus's thoughts, of actually being Marcus. This, I think, is good for the text!
I wonder: is Ruth going to be jealous of Betsy? Are Marcus and Ruth going to start the carnival together, or will there be drama? Is Ruth going to play a big role in a later part of the plot? Marcus said: "It's just the wind" - will he be able to cover up forever? How will he explain the appearance of the money? Does Ruth want to start the carnival? Will their date be troubled by this?
Maybe some of these questions are already answered in other texts, I don't know - but anyways, keep writing, have fun and also, have a wonderful day!
-HMMHhehe
Thx for the review and ur advice!
Hia!
I recently read the previous snippet so let’s head straight into this one!
Hmm I feel like since you had the info that Ruth and he got married in the previous paragraph that you could go with a more detailed descriptor here: “Since his marriage” <-- that sounds more repetitive here. So instead, maybe describe what abt this marriage makes him so hopeful? Is it Ruth’s positivity? The money he gained?
Ohh I like this premonition: “Marcus had the distinct feeling that only he could answer the door.”
A reminder what Betsy means to him would be absolutely appropriate here. And a description of how she changed, right? It’s been a long time since he’s seen her, right?
Interesting that he would lie to Ruth here huh?
Makes it seem almost as if he has an affair with Betsy (at least it would look like to Ruth if she were to see Betsy leave right now!)
Oha! Now I do wonder where Betsy got the money from XD
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She got it from her family and gave it to him.
Thx for reading and the advice!
helloooo! this is my first review and i don't really know what i'm doing, so sorry if this sucks TvT i'm not really sure what to make of this to be honest. its categorized as a short story but after reading it it feels more like a draft for the beginning of one. i like the idea, though! and i'm also curious to find out more about who this Betsy character is.
one on hand, it's interesting that she showed up to Marcus's door, but if i had to look at this objectively it seems a little to convenient and there was no inclination beforehand that Marcus was struggling with the conflict of wanting to start a carnival but not having the funds, so it makes his excitement at the end feel a bit random. i love your prose, though! you did a good job at adding a lot of description to Betsy's appearance and the suitcase.
in summary, i'm not too sure how to review this. i dont think it's bad necessarily, there's just not much happening for me to talk about. i guess my only critiques would be that the plot should have more of a cause-and-affect structure and it should be longer? i'm sorry if i wasn't helpful enough, but those are my thoughts!