*This fanfic is underneath my folder titled “Are you afraid of the dark? (Season 1 2019 fanfics)”. Gacha Club character designs are under this forum: https://www.youngwriterssociety.com/viewtopic.php?f=27&t=116005&start=1395. Marcus is a villain in the original miniseries (which has only three episodes), I just made his origin story. Ruth, Betsy, and their parents, the Walshes, are my OCs. Bart/Bartholomew is also a character in the original miniseries. Anyway, enjoy!*
Marcus smiled as he watched Ruth walk down the aisle, her deer brown eyes glittering underneath her delicate white veil. Her dress was a white ballgown, dazzling and divine, but her face, framed by her golden curls, was the most beautiful.
Ever since that night years ago, when Marcus told Ruth about his father, they had gotten closer. They spoke to each other when no one was looking, they met in the dark, sharing stories of their lives, dreaming of a better future.
Bart stood by as his best man, like he should. Betsy was the maid of honor, happiness radiating out of her.
Mr. and Mrs. Walsh sat in the pews, pursuing their lips. They didn’t approve, but that was fine.
Ruth loved him and that was all that mattered.
She reached up to Marcus and placed her hands on his, ready to recite the vows that would bind them as husband and wife.
“Do you, Ruth Walsh, take Marcus Cochran to be your lawfully wedded husband?”
“I do.”
“And do you, Marcus Cochran, take Ruth Walsh to be your lawfully wedded wife?”
“I do.”
“You may now kiss the bride.”
Marcus took Ruth in his arms with such fierce passion that it almost frightened him. He kissed her with desperation, with desire. Ruth kissed him back with the same feelings.
Oh, he wanted to drown in her embrace. She was the first person he really loved, to the point where it hurt, ever since the death of his parents. He was her listener, her friend.
He needed her. She needed him.
They were incomplete without one another.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
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125,021 Literary Works • 672,739 Reviews
Hey, hello!
There are also quite a few general words here, which tell me Ruth looks lovely without giving me a particularly distinctive image. What's special about her dress? Why does she stand out so much compared to other people? Perhaps Marcus notices that one curl has escaped beneath the veil, or that she is trying not to smile too widely.
"The most beautiful" also feels unfinished. The most beautiful what? You could say that her face was more beautiful than any part of the dress, or simply that Marcus barely noticed the gown because he couldn’t look away from her.
Really? I don’t think it would really be fine, especially if Ruth’s relationship with her parents matters to her. Marcus may decide their disapproval cannot stop the wedding, but dismissing it so easily is debatable. You could make the thought more honest and say something about how their disapproval still hurt, but Ruth was walking towards him anyway. That would allow the happiness and conflict to exist together, and you still acknowledge something important to their relationship.
***
This is very cute! There’s something satisfying about their former meetings in darkness and Ruth now walking towards him in a white dress before everyone.
Marcus’s love feels very intense, though, which is interesting considering the loss of his parents. I’m unsure whether he has truly loved no one else, or whether Ruth is simply the first person he has loved romantically. You may want to clarify that sentence. He seems terrified by how much he needs her. That can be an interesting character flaw, especially if grief has made him afraid of losing another person, but I don't know whether it's meant to be that way. I’d lean into that deliberately or soften some of the language. Right now, he could be read as a little too dependent on Ruth.
I’m interested in whether this is meant to be a completely happy ending or whether the desperation beneath Marcus’s love is setting up trouble for them later!
Cheers!
Lipton
well, it is a happy ending. For now. It’s not really the end yet.
Thx for reading/advice!
Good morning!
Only one new story in this folder so far, so let’s head straight in!
This feels very much like a continuation of that last snippet so I’m here for that :3
I just think that the way you describe the guests and everyone is rather sterile. Maybe you could add a bit more detail to each character by describing more than just where they are? Maybe in a way that could give the room itself more detail too?
Oh those final two lines. It reads like obsession to me (and keeping in mind what you wrote abt romance in your blog, I’m curious how you’ll portray them going forward!)
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Thx for reading and the advice! ^v^