Warning: This work has been rated 16+ for violence.
*This story is underneath my folder titled “A monster creeps along”. Gacha Club character designs are under this forum: https://www.youngwriterssociety.com/viewtopic.php?f=27&t=116005&start=1140. I hope you enjoy this!*
Introduction
Sophia had hopes of watching movies with her friends, for she always watched movies by herself, but wanted some company during movie night.
Because watching movies with her parents was fun, but it would never compare to the joy and excitement of doing that activity with friends, as TV often portrayed.
Yet in the midst of the laughter and connectedness, one might forget to be careful.
Chapter One
Sophia twirled a strand of her plastic doll’s hair as she spoke with Katherine, her friend. She was sitting at the table she usually sat in with her friends, Katherine, Natalia, and Scarlett. It was just the table. Their table, in fact!
Katherine was actually speaking to her, Natalia was saying nothing. Sophia brought a doll with her to school, for playing with the doll’s hair was better than playing with her own. It wasn’t like Sophia wanted to tangle her own hair, it just happened. She couldn’t control it. It occurred and so Sophia had to find something to occupy herself with.
Say, where was Scarlett? Wouldn’t she join in on their wonderful conversation about games and whatnot?
The table wasn’t complete without Scarlett.
Chapter Two
Just as Katherine was going on with another of her conversations, Sophia stole a glance at the door and…
And Scarlett arrived! Scarlett, with her blond pigtails and her games and her cool rich family that Sophia didn’t have.
Sophia’s heart raced with joy, for Scarlett had come and so the fun had just begun!
Chapter Three
The four of them spoke in vivid, bright conversation, Sophia’s eyes glittered as she found that with her friends, she was included, she was never alone, everything was always exciting.
“Do you guys want to come over to my house for a sleepover?” Scarlett asked.
Her house for a sleepover? Her big, rich mansion where they would play games and watch TV and have oh so much fun?
“Yes!” Sophia and her friends said in unison, shared joy in their hearts at the prospect of a carefree time with Scarlett!
Who wouldn’t say yes to such a thing?
Chapter Four
WALKING HOME
Sophia held onto Mommy’s hand, thoughts of Scarlett’s sleepover swimming around her head. She wanted to tell her parents about it, but she wasn’t sure if they would say yes or no upon her asking.
It was all too exciting, the idea of hanging out with her friends. Perhaps she’d be able to talk about it more when she calmed down, when it didn’t choke her with such joy.
Mommy opened the door and let Sophia in, the girl gratefully ran inside.
School was finally over!
Chapter Five
IN BED
Sophia lay in bed, thinking about what would come the next day, thinking about the games she and her friends would play.
Princesses going on an adventure, riding on unicorns. They’d watch movies all about it and then they would dress up as Princess, eating sweet, sweet sugar candies.
Sophia smiled. Hopefully her parents wouldn’t say no. Hopefully they would let her go.
She couldn’t miss such a fun day!
Chapter Six
THE NEXT DAY
Sophia sat at the breakfast table with her Mom and Dad, stabbing a fork through her buttery pancakes that Dad cooked. It was Saturday, the day of the sleepover.
The day of which she still hadn’t told her parents about.
Sophia twirled the pancake slice on her fork and then she bit into it, swallowing down the sweet, sugary taste.
Might as well tell them in that moment, before she got too scared to say anything.
Chapter Seven
“Scarlett invited me to her house for a sleepover yesterday. I said I would come.” Sophia said.
Her parents looked at each other for a long moment, then Mom said:
“We’re not doing anything today. Perhaps it will be alright to bring her over?”
“They all live close, it should be alright.” Dad said calmly.
Sophia couldn’t help but grin, for it went so much better than expected, her parents were letting her see Scarlett!
They weren’t even mad.
Chapter Eight
IN THE CAR
Sophia peered out of the car window, watching the houses roll by. The time had seemed to drag with the prospect of playing on her mind, but finally, the sky was dimming to a cool-toned pink, a sign that the afternoon was fading into the evening.
The car’s wheels on the road made soft humming noises as it rolled on. The houses were beginning to turn on their white porch lights that were lit up like Christmas lights, all of it creating a picture of perfect calm.
Sophia couldn’t help but smile at the scenery.
Chapter Nine
The gentle humming of the car stopped, which was a good thing, because Sophia’s eyelids were getting heavy and she could not fall asleep before the sleepover! What if her Mom or Dad had to carry her or worst…what if Mom drove her back?
Sophia shuddered at the thought of missing out, of spending her Saturday at home while her friends all played with each other at the sleepover, but her displeasure was short-lived when she opened the car door.
For the humming only stopped because they had arrived.
Chapter Ten
“Now, be good and have fun. Call home if you need to.” Mom said, handing Sophia her pink bag with the stitched poodle on it.
Sophia was outside of the car, standing next to the open trunk. Mom and Dad had gotten out to give Sophia her bags, but she only brought two.
“I will!” Sophia beamed.
“Remember to get some sleep.” Dad said, giving Sophia her rolled-up white and pink striped sleeping bag.
“I will!” Sophia giggled.
Yet when she ran to hug both of her parents goodbye, she couldn’t help but feel as though she wouldn’t see them for a while, that they would part.
It was only a sleepover. Maybe she was just tired from not sleeping the other night.
Chapter Eleven
To Sophia’s delighted surprise, once she opened the door, everybody was already there. She hugged all of her friends and made her way over to the board game laid out on the floor, setting her bags by the door.
Nobody else but them made a sound. Sophia spotted bottles of nail polish and boxes of board games, alongside DVDs strewn on top of one another.
It was just the four of them and Sophia couldn’t be any happier, her joy rising up all around her veins.
Chapter Twelve
“Is anybody else here?” Natalia suddenly asked as they were playing a board game.
They were going to do more stuff later, but the very first thing that they were all doing was playing a board game, because it was all laid out! Everything was perfect…so why was Natalia asking that?
“Nope! Just us! My parents left for a party and so did Juni.” Scarlett beamed.
“Oh.” Natalia said in a voice that sounded as though she were sad.
But why would she be sad? If anybody else was around, then it would be boring! Sophia knew that very well and she appreciated that it was just them.
So why couldn’t Natalia sound a bit happier about it?
Chapter Thirteen
After the board game, the girls all dressed up in Princesses costumes, admiring the sparkle and glitter of the dresses, and then, each of them opened up a nail polish bottle and painted each other’s nails, as it was more fun and when they tried to do it themselves, they made a mess.
Sophia couldn’t feel any happier than she did at that very moment. They all looked so pretty, so sparkling! They were in the perfect outfits to watch Princess movies in!
As the four of them sat with the comfort of Princess movies, Sophia felt the joy rise and twirl in her heart, just like a ballerina.
Everything was better with friends.
Chapter Fourteen
When the last of the bright colors faded from the TV, a pink light went on.
“I thought bringing my lamp would be better! I think we should go to sleep now.” Scarlett said.
Everybody got up and went to different rooms in the house, bringing their pajamas with them, so that they could all get ready in privacy.
Sophia went to the bathroom, carrying her blue nightgown in one arm, feeling a sense of sadness over the quietness.
Without lively, cheery movies, the house seemed…dead.
Chapter Fifteen
Sophia stepped out of the bathroom in her nightgown and joined her friends in the living room, who were all laying themselves down in the sleeping bags. Scarlett’s lamp was still on, which brought some relief to Sophia’s heart.
The rest of the house looked far too dark for Sophia’s liking. Her head raced with what could be waiting in the shadows, with what could be lurking in the darkness…
But monsters weren’t real and Scarlett’s pink lamp was on.
It was just a sleepover.
Chapter Sixteen
Sophia was standing in a castle hallway, her friends waiting for her on the other side. The sunlight glowed from the stained-glass windows, making everything sparkle with a rainbow light.
Her heart lifted with every step that she took running towards them, her Princess dress swaying with every step. Far away in their castle, everything was perfect. Everything was safe.
Adults complained too much. Why couldn’t they just be happy?
Chapter Seventeen
Sophia ran closer and closer towards them, but with every step that she took, their faces became more blurry. Why was that? Why were they getting so blurry? What was wrong? What was going on?
She didn’t stop, though. Maybe it would go away. Bad things always disappeared in the books that she read. Maybe that would be the same thing then.
But they were still blurry and the castle hallways were too long and there were too…many…shadows…
So…many…shadows.
Chapter Eighteen
Then, she heard her friends screaming and-
Sophia woke up, except the screams were all around her, bleeding into her body, seeping into her skin. The light wasn’t on either, it was completely dark.
Where was the light? Why was there screaming around her? Wasn’t she awake? Wasn’t the bad dream over?
Sophia’s heart raced in her chest, her hand gripped the sleeping bag sheet tightly. No, no. She was at a sleepover with friends, at Scarlett’s cool big mansion, there was nothing wrong, she just needed to calm down calm down calm down calm down calm down calm down calm down calmdowncalmdown calmdowncalmdowncalmdowncalmdown…
She just needed to breathe and calm down, like she was supposed to do.
Chapter Nineteen
Sophia couldn’t calm down. Sophia couldn’t take a deep breath. Everything was falling apart, her friends were screaming, crying out for help.
Were they dying? Were they being torn apart? What was going on? Why were they screaming so loudly, why-
Something snatched her up into the air, wrapping its long, sharp claws around Sophia’s body, piercing her skin, searing her flesh.
Chapter Twenty
Blood blood blood. So much blood. When would it stop? Why was it pouring out of her? Why wouldn’t the monster leave her alone?
Was it eating her? Whatever was hurting Sophia felt pointed, but slightly more sleek than the claws. She wasn’t sure why, but the thought had crossed her mind. Maybe because there was a very loud crunching noise behind her that sounded so much like eating and her flesh was being torn from her in a way that reminded Sophia of when she ate her own food…
One last crunch and then Sophia couldn’t hear anything at all.
Epilogue
Death wasn’t anything like Sophia imagined. There were no clouds, but a sparkling garden with pretty flowers and a bright sky, all of it ethereal, like a fairytale. The Grim Reaper, with their dark cloak and curved scythe, had guided Sophia and her friends to Heaven’s garden, they answered the questions that they could, but they never explained much about the monster.
While Sophia loved her friends and was deeply happy that Heaven was a beautiful garden, she still wanted to be alive. She missed playing games. She missed her parents.
It still wasn’t fair.
End of chapter
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138,643 Literary Works • 672,183 Reviews
Hey! I saw this story sitting around in the green room and it caught my eye. Let’s check it out!
𔓘 Commentary 𔓘
I would say besides the intro, this is our proper introduction to Sophia. She has this weird fixation on her friend Scarlett and a love for dolls and movies too. Another one of your kid characters. I think I’ve learned from experience that if there’s a kid in one of your works, something bad is inevitably going to happen to them lol.
I think these chapters framed as days in Sophia’s life do a good job of portraying the childlike wonder here. We have those days as kids that we only remember one or two events from the day. Sophia here can do nothing but wait in excitement for her sleepover at Scarlett’s house.
I get you are splitting this up into short chapters that are like pastiches of her day, but I find it slightly odd that there is a chapter break while she is at dinner. Why do we need this break when she’s still at the table with her parents?
I quite like the descriptions here. It feels like we are really allowed to get into her head as a character. We see the world in all its bright colors and lights through her eyes.
We see here that Sophia’s view of the world is kinda close-minded. The other characters are bored (?) but Sophia is just so full of whimsy that she’s happy to be here. I like that she’s more focused on how fun the night will be versus Natalie’s view, which is present-focused.
Here, we start to get the feel of impending doom. After all the fun is over, all she can do is focus on the quiet and darkness. I think it’s a cool character quirk or even flaw that she places so much stock in the people around her. It is also a cool contrast to go from them playing princess and dressing up in frilly dresses to the cold interior of the mansion. All that is left is liminality.
Yuuup. The horror of this story comes a lot faster than I anticipated, but maybe it’s some sort of dream? Or a nightmare?
Wowwww this if effed up. All of a sudden she’s getting eaten by a monster that we can’t even begin to comprehend. Almost feels like those short stories set in the FNAF universe, where things are all chill until the monster comes out to play. The fact that the creature has no description could be seen as an issue, but it also leaves more to the imagination. Also, the descriptions of blood and crunching are gnarly.
I still wonder if this is all a nightmare, or if everything described here is her mind clinging onto the positive energy in her mind. I like how you try to add a little bit of levity to the situation despite the deeply messed up ending.
❀ Closer ❀
Though short, I think this is up there for me in the stories you have wrote. The short descriptions feel pretty intentional, and the horror is almost sudden, reflecting the insane horrific situation that Sophia is thrown into. It feels very creepypasta-like in it’s style and tone. The way things go from zero to one hundred also reflects those creepypasta stories of old.
What a dark ending…I hope there is something positive for her in Heaven’s garden…
There is happiness in Heaven, but yes, it is sad.
Thx for reading!
I'm still a bit new to reviewing, so apologies if this isn't very great of a review.
I really like how you captured Sophia's perspective (of, well, a young child). Her concerns are fitting for her age and it helps the reader understand the perspective of the narrative well. This also adds like innocence to it, which contrasts sharply to the monster and works well. I also liked how you foreshadowed in Chapter 12. When Natalia asked, "Is anybody else here?" and Scarlett reveals the parents are gone, it gives off a sense of dread and unease to the reader, even though Sophia was happy.
I feel like the chapters are a bit short and might sometimes break the flow a bit while reading. It might be improved if you merge some together into a larger chapter. This will allow the reader to stay immersed in the scene without hitting a break every few paragraphs. I also feel like the transition from waking up to getting killed is a bit abrupt. Maybe you can build on the terror or fear of Sophia before she is violently murdered?
Thanks for reading my review, you have an awesomely written story here!
I'm glad you enjoyed this! Thx for reading.