Warning: This work has been rated 16+ for violence.
*This story is under my folder titled “A monster creeps along”. Gacha Club character designs are under my forum titled “My character designs<33[2]”. Enjoy and Happy Halloween season!*
Introduction
The closet. Most kids think that there’s a monster behind it. A monster that wants to tear through their flesh and leave nothing but a mass of organs.
A closet monster. A soulless thing. It only wants to kill and eat. It deserves to rot away, especially if it kills children.
But what if this monster was…was cursed? Twisted beyond recognition? Mind broken down to the seams?
What if it was…all too human?
Chapter One
Markus opened the door to his home, tired after a long day of work. His eyes were weary, his bones felt like they were breaking away, but the sagging couch was all worth it.
He plopped down on the couch and flipped through the channels. After a while, Markus found a reality TV show that would only serve as white noise to him. That he wouldn’t pay attention to.
So much work, and even though he was home, would he ever truly rest?
Chapter Two
“Tired of working from hours to hours with seemingly no end?”
Markus piped up from his half-sleep to the absurdly excited voice booming from the TV.
A young woman with bright eyes and crystal-white teeth beamed back at him from the screen.
“Then come to The Creepy Weirdos Festival down at Cherry Brook! We’ve got thrills and chills to distract you from the humdrum of daily life!”
There, before him, was a sprawling circus of a Ferris Wheel, a carousel, food stands, rollercoasters and…and monsters.
Well, no. Not monsters. Performers. People in special-effects makeup with sharpened teeth and wild eyes, their skin a bright hodgepodge of colors that should have been indiscernible to the human eye.
“Don’t wait! Get tickets on our website now!” The woman’s voice chanted.
In blinking red letters was the link to the website of the festival. Markus’ heart raced with adrenaline as he snapped a photo of it on his phone and rushed to his computer.
He didn’t know how long the commercial would be up, but he wanted to save the picture just in case.
Why not spend a screaming good time away from the humdrum of life?
Chapter Three
Markus grinned as he drove underneath the gate that welcomed newcomers to “The Creepy Weirdos Festival”. When he was a little boy, he used to be fascinated with all things odd and unsettling, as was his older sister, Mia.
Mia. How was she doing? He hadn’t heard from her since after her twenty-fourth birthday.
She was probably busy with her own life. People got older, things changed.
The important thing was that he purchased the tickets, he was going to have fun, and he’d have memories to store deep in his heart.
It’d be just what he needed to get out of reality for a little bit.
Chapter Four
FLASHBACK
Markus grinned as he ran towards Mia, gripping the tarantula decoration by one of its legs with his small hand.
“Mia! Mia! Look at this! It looks so SCARY, like it’s going to BITE you!” Markus giggled.
The tarantula had fuzzy black fur and many crimson eyes that seemed to hold pools of blood. Markus struggled a bit with holding it up, as it was a wall decoration, but he managed to prop it up into a position that Mia could see.
“It’s so cool! Let’s go show Mommy!” Mia exclaimed.
The children ran throughout the store to where Mommy was looking at masks, shouting over each other to tell her about the “big spider that they should TOTALLY get!”.
Mommy grabbed the leg of the spider that had the price tag and shook her head.
“It’s too expensive. We only came here to get costumes. Put that back and go look at the costumes.” Mommy said.
“But we want the spiderrrr!” The kids cried in unison.
“I’ll find even better decorations for our home. I promise. You don’t need the spider, our house is going to look very spooky already.” Mommy said.
“You really promise?” Markus asked. He wasn’t ready to give up the spider, and neither was Mia.
“I promise, sweetie.” Mommy said with a smile.
“Okay…” Markus said glumly.
He trudged on back to the section where he found the spider, Mia to the costume section.
Both were upset that they couldn’t have a spider, but if Mommy promised that it would be better, then perhaps it would be!
It still hurt to put the spider away, though.
Chapter Five
Markus got out of the car and walked towards the Festival. The parking lot made it look like a long trek, but that was what made it all the more fun!
Tacked on the metal poles that held parking signs were also flyers of the many attractions, like: “The tunnel of love”, “The tentacle boy”, “The spider-being”, and “The ghoul girl”.
Markus felt his heart thrum with the sight of many flyers, a nostalgic hum buzzing in his head. Yes, there were rides and there was food, but he mostly cared about seeing the monsters.
As would Mia.
He should tell her about it when he was done with his visit!
Chapter Six
IN THE FESTIVAL
Markus waved to the monsters as he bit into his corn dog. The people around him were engrossed in joy, the children excitedly cheering as they showed their parents all of the attractions.
He stopped in front of “The tunnel of love”. Out of all the rides he could have picked, out of all the things he could have done, Markus felt pulled to “The tunnel of love”.
The kids would grow up and hopefully, they wouldn’t turn out like him. Working and rarely filled with joy.
But there was no time to think about that. Only time to enjoy.
Chapter Seven
Markus sat on a seat all by himself in “The tunnel of love” ride. He didn’t have to wait at all, nobody else was going to ride it.
“Prepare to drift off into a land of romance.” A woman’s lullaby-like voice lilted on the loudspeakers.
A land of romance? But he was at The Creepy Weirdos Festival! And just in front of him was a gaping black tunnel of animatronic monsters clawing at the air, designed to make the couples on the ride cling to one another.
Markus unbuckled his seatbelt and lay down on the seat, getting comfortable.
No one else was there. Besides, it was just a ride. He’d explore more once the ride was over.
Chapter Eight
Markus slipped off his seat and onto the floor of the cart, but that was part of the fun! The animatronics reached out, their eyes bright and evil. Markus grinned at them as though they were his friends, embracing the absurdity of the ride.
“Enjoying the ride, are we?” The woman’s voice asked.
“Yes!” Markus replied. For even though it was pre-recorded, it was still exciting to interact with the animatronics!
“Ahhh…we’ll see about that.” The woman said.
The animatronic section of the tunnel faded into an empty, dark section of the ride.
A peaceful, boring section. But maybe Markus could try finding some kind of fun there!
At least, some kind.
Chapter Nine
Markus could only hear the drip drip of water on the cavern. There wasn’t even any music to accompany as sound.
He swallowed hard, sitting up on the seat. The screeching animatronics were company, but the silence? Why was it so devoid of anything?
Markus could have spoken, but moving his mouth somehow felt wrong.
What the heck? Wasn’t a ride supposed to be fun? Where was all the excitement? Was he, for the first time…frightened?
The boat rocked slightly. Markus jolted at the sudden movement.
It’s just a ride, it’s just a ride. Markus thought to himself, repeating the mantra in his mind.
It was a mere ride, a manufactured good time. Nothing more, nothing less…
Chapter Ten
And yet, the cart couldn’t stop shaking. Markus felt unreasonable panic rise within him as he clung desperately to the right side of the cart.
It’s just a ride It’s just a ride It’s just a ride It’s just a ride It’s just a ride It’s just a ride
And then, the boat tipped him into the murky, muddy water, but not before he saw thick, slimy black tendrils rise up, almost like…like…
Tentacles?
Chapter Eleven
Even if Markus wasn’t underwater, he still wouldn’t be able to let a scream bubble out.
For what had brought him down to the mud-ridden waters was something that should have stayed in the confines of a horror story.
It was a teenage boy (a boy who Markus presumed to be sixteen), of an incredibly pale complexion, his cheeks sunken into his skin, his dark green eyes pupiless, his lips curled into a smile of sharpened demon teeth, his black hair flowing haphazardly, like thin, veiny wires, his claws readied to kill…
But the most shocking part of it all was what was at the bottom of the boy-creature. Because that was what he was. A boy-creature.
At the bottom of him was not legs, but eight, exactly eight, thick, slimy, constricting, charcoal black, tentacles. Tentacles that wouldn’t let go of Markus, that were bringing him ever so closer to the boy…
Teeth seared through Markus’ face, a splash of crimson covered his vision, and Markus was endured to hear the spine-chilling sound of his own flesh being chewed away.
Chapter Twelve
Markus blinked open his eyes. He was lying on a dirt surface, staring up at the tentacle boy, a bleeding girl, and a boy with spider legs, the bleeding girl and spider boy looking around the same age as the tentacle boy.
Such young kids, and yet they were all looking at him so grimly. They weren’t human, but creatures out of a Halloween movie.
Markus blinked under the oddly fluorescent lights and tried to get up, but stopped when he felt how heavy he was.
What had happened to him?
Chapter Thirteen
Markus looked down at his hands…claws? Rough, rock-like claws? His skin…his skin was so gray…so devoid of color…his clothes just barely held onto his twisted and scaled body, and he felt something on his head…on his back…
Wings. Wings that were textured like dried leaves. Horns. Horns that were like thin tree branches.
“The boss will see you now.” The bleeding girl said, a hint of sympathy in her voice.
Markus didn’t know what to do or if there was a right thing to do, but his heart raced from the change, his heart felt too small in his transformed body.
But maybe the boss could help him, whoever they were.
Chapter Fourteen
The girl was the only one with human legs, so she was the one who led Markus out of the ride and into the open.
“My name is Debbie. The tentacle boy is Clove, and the spider boy is Brander. What’s your name?” She asked, as though she were trying to lighten the mood.
It didn’t seem like he’d ever be able to return to his normal life again, so perhaps he could make friends with Debbie and the others.
“Markus. What’s going on here?” Markus asked.
Debbie shrugged, as if she too were trying to figure that out.
“The boss likes monsters, I guess.” She said.
She stopped in front of a circus tent that almost took up the entire festival, the flags on top of it waving as though the tent were a fortress.
“Be nice!” Debbie cried out, pulling the entrance flap back with fingers that had cracked, peeling skin.
Be nice? Why wouldn’t he be nice?
Matter of fact, why did Debbie have to say that at all?
Chapter Fifteen
In the tent, Markus could only see the dim glow of a gas lantern hanging off a metal pole. There was a wooden desk with papers strewn across, and sitting on a velvet armchair was none other than…
Than the blond woman from the commercial.
Her white teeth seemed less model and more monster, with how pointed they were. Markus almost ran away, but told himself to stay, as she would help.
The blond woman got up from her chair and spread her arms wide, as though she wanted to constrict his chest, and declared:
“Human! I’m so glad that you made it! I’m Imogen, your greatest friend to have ever lived! And you are?”
“Markus.” He replied too quickly, without a second thought.
“Markus! How nice to meet you! It’s going to take a while for you to adjust to being a monster, but you’ll get the hang of it! They all do.” Imogen beamed, clapping her hands together.
She began to walk towards the entrance flap, about to leave him in his confusion, in his despair-
No. He could still ask.
“Aren’t you going to change me back?” Markus asked, his heart dropping to his stomach.
Imogen turned around to look at him, right next to the entrance flap. Her eyes held the sparks of someone who was either absolutely furious or greatly excited.
“Now why would anyone ever do that? You’re so much better as a monster! In fact, sometimes I wish I was a monster…” Imogen trailed off, a wistful look in her eyes.
“Anyway, have fun!” She grinned, closing off the entrance flap.
How was he supposed to “have fun”? He was never going home again!
He was forever a monster, and Imogen seemed…off.
How on Earth was Markus going to get by? Why did he even trust Imogen enough to tell her his name at all?
Why did he ever go to the festival?
Chapter Sixteen
“Were you visitors of the festival too?” Markus asked. He was back in the tunnel, with the three odd individuals surrounding him.
Perhaps he’d feel more safe, knowing that he wasn’t the only one to be deceived by Imogen.
“Only I was. I killed Debbie myself and now we’re together!” Clove beamed.
Debbie interlaced her hand with his claw, her eyes sparkling with the ecstasy of a child on their birthday.
Meanwhile, Markus had to hold down his vomit at the thought that she even loved Clove after what he did to her.
“I don’t know about him.” Clove said, pointing to Brander.
“I was never even apart of the festival. All I did was get my girlfriend a spider as a gift and then some kind of light fused us together. I was in the forest for a while and now…now I’m here.” Brander said.
He had the expression of someone who had lost everything, his eyes clouded with tears that wouldn’t drip down. Markus was about to say something, but then, the electric lights of the tunnel blared on.
“Places, everyone! Places!” Imogen’s voice cried out over the loudspeakers, almost like a demonic screech.
But she wasn’t the monster. They were.
Chapter Seventeen
Clove snatched Debbie and pulled her into the water, Brander roughly grabbed Markus’ wrist and led him out of the tunnel and into the starless night, the machinery of the rides moving idly in the cool breeze.
Where were they going? Was he expected to already know where he belonged? It was only his first day. Why did Imogen turn them into monsters at all?
“Here. You’re going to sleep in the cave with us.” Brander said.
In the cave, there were three teen girls wrapped up in thick cobwebs, only, the one in the middle seemed to be wrapped in more than the other two.
None of them breathed. None of them moved the slightest bit.
“The one in the middle is Marjorie, my girlfriend. The other two are her friends, Ordelia and Raina. Don’t worry, they’ll like you.” Brander said.
But Markus wasn’t thinking about that. Instead, he was staring at their lifeless, cobwebbed bodies. Marjorie was the only one who had her legs covered by the webs. It probably meant nothing, but…
But didn’t spiders liquify their prey’s organs? Were Marjorie’s legs…liquified?
No, no. He had to get some sleep. He couldn’t think about human limbs being reduced to liquid.
He’d sleep and would be back at his house, all of it simply being a haunting nightmare.
He just needed to sleep…
Chapter Eighteen
But it wasn’t a nightmare. When he woke up, he was still at the festival.
Brander, Debbie, Clove, Marjorie, Ordelia, and Raina were nice enough. Though the girls were ghosts, they didn’t seem at all disturbed by what happened to them. Markus appreciated their presence, but still was wary of Imogen.
The days of emerging from the shadows and constantly being met with either praise or terror from the public made Markus’ emotions swirl inside, but he never once said anything.
After all, he was trapped, wasn’t he?
Or was he?
Chapter Nineteen
Another Friday the thirteenth day had ended. Not that it mattered, though. Imogen had them practice for the next Friday the thirteenth all the time, so every day felt like Friday the thirteenth.
Markus was just about to crawl back in his cave with Brander when suddenly, he heard it.
The sound of something chewing behind him.
It wasn’t uncommon for some ungodly creature to be eating viciously at something, since he was at a monster festival, but something about the chewing felt…foreign.
Markus turned around.
Right behind him was a ginger-haired, oddly pale (why was everyone so pale?), black-eyed girl eating…eating…eating what?
The black-eyed girl grinned at him with pointed yellow teeth, lines of decay and blood in her mouth.
Markus held in his vomit, for right underneath her was none other than a barely-intact baby rabbit, its arms still desperately twitching, as though it wanted to escape the yellow teeth of the hungry girl-thing.
Chapter Twenty
The girl stood up and grinned a pointed, bloody smile.
“Don’t worry, that rabbit was already dead. Its nerves were just acting on instinct. I’m a ghoul, I eat dead things. The name’s Annora. What’s yours?” Annora asked, extending her claw out.
“Markus. You’re certain it was dead?” Markus asked, shaking her claw. Being afraid of the monsters wouldn’t do. After all, he became one. He might as well get used to them, even if they weren’t from the festival.
It would benefit him mentally. It’d be better than constantly living in fear of what was to come.
“Of course. I know my prey.” Annora said with a smile, rolling her eyes as she did so.
“Come on, I’ll show you my other friends.” Annora said, dragging him along with her firm grip.
Why were all of the monsters so incredibly strong?
Chapter Twenty-One
Annora stopped in front of the dimly-lit circus tent, letting go of Markus’ claw. He hadn’t seen the circus tent before, but perhaps it appeared every other night.
She extended the flap and he walked inside. There was nothing…nothing…
“Hiya! I’m Candy Necklace and this is my lovely girlfriend, Aisling!” A blue-haired, sharp-toothed, orange-and-black striped wearing clown beamed.
Candy Necklace waved his arms over in front of a pink-streaked hair girl, who waved back at Markus.
“We visit sometimes, but we usually come out on Halloween. That’s when Candy Necklace gets to perform!” Aisling beamed, glancing at Candy Necklace with warmth in her eyes.
Markus wondered if Mia was ever in love. Though he had company, he didn’t have Mia.
Where was she?
Chapter Twenty-Two
The tunnel of love was a tunnel of death, for Debbie lingered throughout the walls and gave an air of quiet suffering. Clove lingered in the water, looking up with sad green eyes.
Brander and Markus crawled out and barred their teeth at guests, gaining screams of joy and fear. Sometimes Marjorie, Ordelia, and Raina came out with their webs and their strangled faces. Sometimes Annora and Candy Necklace joined in, with Aisling watching in the background.
All the while, Markus felt a pounding loneliness in his heart. It was no different than when he was a human. Work, sleep, no real friends, repeat.
Something was screaming at him to eat eat eat eat eat, but Markus pushed it down.
For the voice telling him to eat sounded strangely like Imogen’s inappropriately optimistic voice…
Chapter Twenty-Three
“You know, Marjorie is the type of person who loves odd things, so I thought to myself: Why not get her a tarantula for a pet? It’d be just the perfect gift for her!” Brander beamed.
He was telling the story of how he became a spider-human for the umpteenth time, as though reducing the story to a joke would somehow make it better. Markus couldn’t remember why he gave Marjorie the tarantula. Was it for her birthday? Halloween? Both? He couldn’t exactly remember the reason.
But he did remember when he and Mia wanted to get a spider decoration for Halloween, and how Mom said “No, it’s too expensive”. They both wanted that spider so bad, as though it could be their best friend.
Markus stopped. He was supposed to go back to the cave with Brander, but he heard sobbing in the distance. A woman crying a strangled, knotted-up sob, the kind that only came when one lost everything.
“Markus, I’m telling you from experience, don’t go to the woods. You get lost in the woods, you’re done for.” Brander said.
But what did Brander know? The woman crying sounded so close to Markus, so home to Markus. It was as if the sobbing would finally make sense in the mess he was tangled up in.
Markus walked towards the sorrowful, lonely sound, hoping to find some purpose in the chaos.
Chapter Twenty-Four
For a long, drawn-out while, there were circus tents and concession stands, but finally, Markus had found the source of the crying.
It was a woman with strung-up spaghetti-like gray hair that splayed around her black and white spotted body, her bright pink dress a violent contrast to her zebra-like skin.
The woman lifted a sheet of her hair away from her face. Her eyes were red from crying, but her tears were thick rivulets of blood.
“M-M-Markus…” The woman gasped in a hushed, raspy tone, reaching out towards him with goo-dripped claws.
For even with her zebra skin and blood tears, Markus knelt down next to the woman, ignoring the frantic crawling of Brander.
Underneath her jarring flesh, there was something…warm and familiar about her.
Chapter Twenty-Five
“Markus?” Brander asked when he got close.
Markus had already wrapped the woman up in his arms, stroking her hair just as he did when they were younger. He thought of her all the time, but never imagined to see her in such a state.
“It’s good to see you, Mia.” Markus said, hugging her a tad tighter.
“Run.” Mia choked out, more blood tears spewing away.
“We don’t have to run.” Brander said, his spider legs taking him closer.
But was there really an escape from the terror festival?
Chapter Twenty-Six
“Are you proposing a way out of this place?” Markus asked, albeit with a somewhat “rude” tone.
“Of course! Follow me!” Brander exclaimed, a note of great fury and happiness mixed in his voice.
Brander crawled in front of Markus and Mia, gesturing for them to follow him.
Markus and Mia exchanged a look of confusion, then both shrugged and got up.
Hopefully, freedom wasn’t too far off.
Chapter Twenty-Seven
“There’s got to be one sure way to kill her, we just have to look for it!” Brander cried out as he led them to a circus tent, rummaging through files strewn across the dirt floor with his legs.
Markus and Mia didn’t dare say a word, even if there was no way out. They didn’t want misery to rear its grotesque head at them far too soon.
Markus could sense the monsters waking up. The ones that he performed with, and the ones that visited. Perhaps they could all feel Brander’s urgency, perhaps they could all sense each other.
Perhaps they were all holding their breath for the inevitable conclusion.
Chapter Twenty-Eight
“Look! Look! She needs to die by faerie light!” Brander cried out, holding the scavenged papers in one claw.
There was, indeed, a drawing of a demon-like human dying from light that emanated from a faerie, but just why would Imogen have her death printed out in paper to be found?
“Snooping isn’t allowed.” Imogen’s voice said.
Mia almost cried out, Markus held her close. He watched as the little light that was in Brander’s eyes began to fade away.
Just he suspected, there was no way out.
Chapter Twenty-Nine
They turned around to meet the master, the monster.
“I’ve been working on a way to live forever, on a way to be a monster, like you. I’ve perfected it. I will be better! Now, don’t look so glum. Being a monster isn’t so bad.” Imogen said with a grin.
A grin of sharp teeth, a glint of evil in her eyes. The circus tent closed in on them, sucking them deeper into a swirl of colors.
Only Imogen’s face stood out to Markus as he clung onto Mia, as Brander tried to part the circus tent with his spider legs.
Imogen’s far too happy grin, full of so much shining malice.
Chapter Thirty
Yet somehow, Imogen began to screech and burn. Right from behind, Candy Necklace’s red eyes shone brighter than a dime, burning Imogen with crimson light.
As Markus watched, only one thought chimed in his mind, the only logical explanation to the insanity that happened in his life:
Candy Necklace was some kind of faerie. Thus, they were all saved.
Epilogue
Though Imogen had died away, that didn’t change the fact that they were monsters. Some like Ordelia and Raina passed on. Some like Debbie and Marjorie passed on, but mostly stayed on Earth to be with their monster loves, Clove and Brander.
Some like Candy Necklace and Mia only came out on Halloween to scare people for laughs and gags. Some like Annora existed in the shadows, Aisling covering up her tracks.
And what of Markus? What became of him?
Though Markus had found the sister he so wanted back in his life, all that Imogen had done to him made it impossible to go back to the life he used to have. He tried to only come out on Halloween, like the others, but it all became meaningless to him. When he was human, monsters used to only exist in stories and movies, in the safety of altered imaginations.
But the pain that screeched in his brain when he was human seemed to grow ever since he became a monster, grow and grow and grow…
Until he became a closet creature, the kind that all children fear. Nondescript, but evil in its entirety.
Evil forevermore.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
Heyy! So I've recently been checking out more of your works, and this one really stood out to me.
For Markus and Mia's relationship, what I could ascertain from the memory was that they're very close, almost codependent? Even some of Markus' thoughts in the text seem to be of a very deep and personal nature in regards to Mia.
Markus' resignation and annoyance in regard to work seems to be a very big part of his character here, but his narration parts and thoughts seem a little.....immature? Also the way he's immediately attracted to the fair feels a little unrealistic, and the part seems rushed. Regardless, You've fitted a lot in a comparatively smaller piece, so good job on that.
On that note, I really love the whole premise and the idea behind it. This work has extreme potential for worldbuilding and backstories. Maybe for that reason, the text seems a little incomplete with plot-holes because there's not much backstory or elaboration about the nature of the monsters (+what Imogen is).
The format was sort of hard to read because of the new chapters every few paras, so maybe you could've used (------------------) or some symbol for separation of scenes? IDRK, but that's not that big of a problem.
I like how in Ch 17 you elaborated on the sleep-like, surreal thoughts in Markus' head. If the story seems to be missing pieces of info, then this just being a very surreal dream makes sense and actually boosts the vibe of confusion and lack of awareness.
"Candy Necklace was some kind of faerie. Thus, they were all saved."
This line gives the perfect storybook happy ending vibe, so this being a dream makes sense again.
After the epilogue, I totally think this chapter is an allegory for growing up and being extremely disappointed.
Markus and Mia had a lovely childhood where they're very close, but as they reach adulthood they chase their own ambitions so they drift apart. As a kid, everyone's obsessed with growing up only to reach adulthood and being unsatisfied and incomplete with the way things have turned. At the end, Markus has his sis back, but he's still a monster, i.e. he's still worked to the bone with jobs and taking care of himself and his sister's not much better either, i.e. she's also an adult with burdens. As a kid, he used to be intrigues by monsters (adults) himself, but now that he's a monster too ( and adult) life seems meaningless. And how he's, growing, growing, growing as a monster can stand for him becoming older and increasingly numb, and unrecognizable.
All in all, good job on including such a lovely premise in such a short bit. I loved the read, and will defo be checking out more of your works <3333
I am very glad you enjoyed this!
Hi creeperfeverdreams!
I believe this is the first time I'm reviewing your work, though I've always admired your horror digital art on the site.
From your introduction, I felt the mood was immediately set. That something suspenseful was about to unfold, and I was curious how this monster story would unravel through the protagonist.
The idea of a closet monster briefly reminded me of Monsters Inc, where monsters quite literally have a job scaring children. However, your story quickly diverges, especially once the protagonist himself becomes a monster. In hindsight, the introduction perfectly supports this turn. The monster is not evil by nature, but cursed, broken, and painfully human.
I liked how, despite keeping short chapters, you introduced Mia early and only in fragments. It kept me suspicious that definitely something terrible was going to happen with this character. As Markus continued to miss her, the tension felt increasingly obvious, but i still kept hoping, please don't let it be true.
Despite the number of characters introduced in such a short story, I appreciated that you still gave many of the side characters distinct identities through physical traits and brief backstories. It helped the festival feel populated rather than just crowded.
One area that felt slightly rushed to me was the escape attempt. Brander's plan didn't fully feel thought through, especially since it seemed like others were aware of Imogen's nature long before Markus met Mia. I found myself wondering why this moment became the turning point.
I was also left curious about why Markus was chosen among the rest of the visitors, and how Imogen selected her targets. I would have loved more detail about the festival itself, how the monsters functioned day to day, and how the act of scaring people was organised.
Overall, I appreciate your work and would definitely checkout more of your stories.
Happy writing!
Thank you very much for your review!
Alrighty, first review of December, here we go!
cried is a speech tag that’s why we don’t capitalize “the”. The way you write it here, it means that they both started actually crying and that in complete unison. Unless you wanted to say that?I like the idea of exploring the monster in the closet :3
Hmm in the other story, we also had the mother being radicalized/twisted by the TV. In general, that seems to be a theme in your stories! Beck also had to die bc of what they saw on TV…
Aww the beginning of the flashback is v cute. I like that the kids both have fun, instead of one being frightened.
Obligatory mention:
I find this both horrifying and a really nice character note: “Markus unbuckled his seatbelt and lay down on the seat, getting comfortable.”
Oh I don’t like where this is going… “but moving his mouth somehow felt wrong.” Dread’s creeping in.
Okay this sentence here sucks out the tension like nothing else: “(a boy who Markus presumed to be sixteen)” why even mention that? Just the description as “teenage boy” is already pretty… mundane for what you’re showing here. The other descriptions are… fine but already you’ve lost the horror vibe.
In general, I get the feeling like you’re doing the descriptions at the wrong place. This one here is also placed in such a way that I’m losing maximum engagement: “the bleeding girl and spider boy looking around the same age as the tentacle boy.” If you’re trying to build an atmosphere of dread and intrigue, sentences that sounds so mundane are a mood-killer.
I know the kids are probably going to be sympathetic characters but… maybe linger a bit on Markus’ POV. He doesn’t know that and it’s creepy, at first. Then, when he realizes they don’t mean any harm, you can broaden the perspective and maybe he can notice the nice aspects of them, maybe that they are so young etc?
I…don’t believe Imogen, that she wants to be a monster. IF she has the power to transform others, she surely could transform herself, no?
What a sentence!!
And Debbie’s fine with that @.@ These kids have no idea ☹
I wish there were more descriptions of Markus trying to make sense of this new life. More of him exploring, or trying to do something else, more of the other people. Just… a bit more slowing down before they all go to sleep in the cave. It’s probably a me thing but I’m just not used to major plot points whizzing by so fast @@
I think I like that you established early on that Mia has vanished. It doesn’t really paint a good picture of your protagonist that he never once thought abt looking for her, when they were this close as children.
Again, I feel like for such a short story, you have a lot of named characters to keep track of. I still think that there could have been a way to establish much earlier than the characters have tried to escape and failed. Bc… before the reveal that she can only be killed via fairy light, Imogen was just a human, right? At least to Markus, he could have tried to run away?
I also… really wonder why Mia tells him to run. Run where? Away from her bc she is dangerous? Or from the festival which… despite you never mentioned it, I just assumed to be impossible since no one tried [I wish you showed them trying]
I find it incredibly sad that in the end, he found Mia again but that wasn’t enough to prevent him from spiraling. Like, she left him alone again and I feel like that’s part of what pushed him over the edge ☹
Her because of what she is.
Imogen was not entirely human but she still was not satisfied with what she was.
Thx for reading.