*This story is underneath my folder titled “Zombies of Mariesville”. Gacha Club character designs are under my forum titled “My character designs<33[2]”. Enjoy!*
Oliver sat cross-legged on the picnic blanket, smiling as he bit into his hazelnut spread and marshmallow sandwich. Mom made it for him. It was a special sandwich for a special occasion…his sixth birthday, which was July tenth!
He, his parents and some other relatives were celebrating it at the local park, as a family picnic.
Mom and Dad sat next to him, talking to the other adults. Oliver was not quite sure about what they were talking about, because it just sounded like noise to him, but he liked that they were all smiling. His older cousins were either on their phones or talking to each other and the cousins that were his age were either playing with each other or eating the food that was in the cooler or from his Aunt’s grill.
Oliver didn’t care that nobody was talking to him. He knew that they all loved him from the pile of gifts they brought, still not opened. He knew from how they grinned at him, from how they talked to him. He could feel it. He was just happy that they were all together, that he could celebrate his birthday with his family.
The sky was a misty blue, like the lace curtains Mom liked in the kitchen, the curtains that Oliver imagined a kind witch to have. He didn’t know why he thought that, he just did. White, puffy clouds moved slowly and softly above him. They didn’t glow like the stickers he had on his bedroom ceiling, but they were still pretty to look at.
Everything felt nice, except for the fact that they were in the part of the park that was close to the local woods. It was a big park, surrounded by trees and Oliver did not want to be next to them. He wanted to be in the clear part of the park, the center, not closer towards the woods. The woods were dark, so he couldn’t see what was in there. What if there were monsters hiding in the trees, waiting to take him away? What if-
But he was with his family. Monsters wouldn’t be around, because his family was there. He didn’t need to worry on his birthday. He just had to finish his sandwich and later, he might be allowed to open presents! He had to ask his parents, but certainly, they would say yes. He had been waiting for a long time and…what was that pain in his shoulder? It felt something was grabbing him, digging into him…
Oliver looked at his left shoulder and found that a jagged black claw was gripping it tightly. His heart raced as he turned around to face the owner of the claw and saw that it was a tall, pale woman in a black dress, with deep black eyes and long, black hair. She was right behind him, in the woods, but why didn’t anybody notice? Why weren’t they saying anything? Why-
Before he could scream, the woman took him away.
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Canary word: Present
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125,020 Literary Works • 672,734 Reviews
Hi creeper! This has been in the green room for a while so I’m to review. I see that this is part of your Zombies of Mariesville series—so is Oliver a character in those and this is a glimpse into his backstory?
I love the set up of the kidnapping/horror element happening on his birthday. The contrast between joyous day and nightmare is an excellent decision! Especially that line about how he doesn’t need to worry on his birthday… eek!!
In terms of Oliver’s relationship to his family, it seems like they’re kinda all doing their own thing. Yet Oliver still has positive feelings towards them. I wonder if this relationship could be fleshed out a bit more—is his family neglectful like this, and Oliver is just viewing them from positive 6 year old eyes? Or are they kind but busy (which leads to them not being aware of the kidnapping)? I think some clarity here would be great to develop the story and character relationships.
This story certainly makes me wonder more about the world and characters! Who is this woman in the black dress??? Zombie? Or someone else? It definitely captivates interest and intrigue.
See you around,
Rain
I%u2019m glad you enjoyed this! Here is the woman%u2019s origin:
Helena’s story-Zombies of Mariesville
Sweet! Let me take a look!
^v^
Ah that sandwich sounds delicious. Now I want one too…
Oh that is such an interesting description:
Maybe his parents are witches and this is why he has that thought?
Oh no, the poor six yrs old was sitting all by himself, why didn’t I notice that? And now he’s getting kidnapped, potentially eaten?!
Hm I feel like “what was that pain” might be a less… vivid reaction than I expected. I wish there was a bit more description, more emotion in the scene, to let the dread sink in. And this point, it’s better to focus on Oliver. The description of the black claw would have been perfectly fine to handle his kidnapper. For the horror to be really gripping it’s better to describe less of who does the evil deeds. Maybe if you focus more on how Oliver manages to be all alone. And maybe if you focus a bit more on how the woods look and how close he is exactly to them?
No, they aren%u2019t witches, but Oliver is referencing some fairytales he read.
Thx for reading!