*This story is under my folder “Zombies of Mariesville”. Gacha Club character designs are under this forum: https://www.youngwriterssociety.com/viewtopic.php?f=27&t=117842&start=75. Enjoy!*
There was once a teen girl called Luisa, who had followed her boyfriend, Charles, and her friends, Josette and Braden, into an abandoned bakery that seemed to have cookies as a special dish.
Luisa did not want to be all alone, but being there felt strange. The scent of cookies mixed with mold lingered in the air. Behind the glass cases were still pastries that had not expired, years of filth collected on them. She couldn’t stop everyone else from already being there, so she went along, ignoring any worries that she had.
But Charles had reached out behind one of the counters and declared that he was going to try one of them. He was always saying absurd stuff to get attention. Maybe it didn’t mean anything.
-Great. He bit into it.
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139,274 Literary Works • 672,523 Reviews
Hia!
Ah okay, more abandoned bakery stuff today =D
I find this … a bit strangely written. This screams for a more descriptive and immersive phrasing because as it is… it’s just clunky ☹ Maybe this would be a moment to describe more of everyone else’s excitement and that this is why Luisa cannot convince them/cannot think of a way to convince them to leave?
Otherwise… this is rly, rly short and I feel like I haven’t really learnt anything new that the other story didn’t already provide ☹
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Ooo, I love the suspense that builds up here! Although this chapter is very short, it contains everything we need to know. I only have one question: if the bakery is abandoned, why does the chapter state that its special dish was cookies? Anyway, that's just a minor thing. Overall, this chapter is very good. I encourage you to keep writing!
That was the special dish when it was open, but I guess I should have made that more clear.
Thx for reading!