*This story is under my folder “Zombies of Mariesville”. Gacha Club character designs are under this forum: https://www.youngwriterssociety.com/topic/117842-my-character-designs-lt-33-3?start=165. Enjoy!*
It was the year 1984. A little girl named Luna sat in front of a brown box-shaped TV, watching cartoons. It was not quite nighttime yet, so her parents let her stay up for TV.
But Luna did not want to go to sleep. The cartoon characters were friends that kept company in the darkness, people who stayed with her when everybody else was asleep, when she came along…
And there she was, reaching her claws out towards Luna. Helena Blackrose was her name and she said that she lived in the walls, looking for kids like her with magic. She wanted their magic. That was what she said, anyway.
Luna had magic. Her parents didn’t. They never believed her when she told them about Helena, so there she was, sitting on the carpet, fidgeting with loose strings on her pink nightgown, watching as Helena reached closer and closer and-
Her older brother, Fisher, believed her. She told him about Helena and he said there was a way to stop her. Luna just had to try it. It was better than sitting fearfully, anyway.
So, she did what he said and:
“Rot back into your pit of Hell
All of your energy will dispel
Never again will you come for me
Down into the flames
You’ll never be free”
As she was reciting those words, pink and white light shot out of her fingers and encircled towards Helena, pushing her deep into the wall, deep into the floor…no, to Hell! Luna heard of Hell before, from Fisher. He said it was a place where bad people would go, to suffer eternal torture, to never find happiness.
Helena screamed like the furnace did in winter, screeching and long, ringing in her ears. Somehow her family stayed asleep. Luna kept her hold, watching Helena go deeper and deeper to the ground, until even the tips of her claws and the strands of her black hair were nowhere to be seen.
Luna’s heart beat fast, her hands shook. She sent Helena away. For good, it looked like.
She only wished that Fisher was awake to see it.
Points:
Time spent:
IP address:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
139,759 Literary Works • 672,714 Reviews
hi creepy. Been a while since I stopped by, but your description caught my eye.
ooo. This was creepily effective.
I really like how this sentence puts us squarely in Luna's pov. It's very much not omniscient, and it works well to cast doubt on what Helena has said. I would take out the "she said X" in the sentence before though, ro give this a little more oomph.
Consider cutting "toward" as "encircled" is already a more effective descriptive to what's happen.
Absolutely love this simile, and it also made me laugh a little bit because it reminded me of Home Alone with the furnace in rhe basement xD
Somehow I doubt that :/
Fisher is the goat. Not sure why he knows so much, but the "parents cant remember or understand magic" is always an interesting plot device to use, and gets over the hurdle of why parents or police or military can never help in these crazy situations. I also thought the rhyming scheme and little chant read really well
~Messy
The eerie feeling in this work was something I liked, especially the combination of Luna being entertained by the cartoon and Helena coming out of the walls.
The connection between Luna and Fisher is quite interesting because he believes in Luna and therefore she is encouraged to stand up for herself.
One of the things that I liked most about this story is the ending in which Luna beats Helena, wishing that Fisher could have seen it all.
The open-ended nature of the story’s conclusion with regard to the possibility of Helena returning was another aspect I enjoyed. The way in which you structured the ending worked perfectly since it gave enough detail about the supernatural world to make it interesting.
Maybe, one thing that would help make this conflict even more fascinating is explaining a bit more of the reason behind Helena’s desire for Luna’s magic.
Sorry if this feels like one of my shorter reviews.
<3