Charles’ story-Zombies of Mariesville

Hello there!

There was once a sixteen year old boy named Charles, who wanted to go on adventures with his girlfriend, Luisa, whenever he could.

"There was once" gives this a fairytale feeling, which could be fun if the story is deliberately playing with that style. The rest of the paragraph feels more modern and straightforward, though, so at the moment I’m not sure whether the fairy-tale voice is intentional or just a way of introducing Charles. This is also quite a lot of telling for the first sentence. I think it would be more engaging to begin with Charles and Luisa already preparing for the adventure or arriving at the bakery. I understand that he enjoys going on adventures with her by seeing them do it.

You don’t need the comma before "who" here either because his name already tells us which Charles you mean.

So when he decided to take her and their friends, Josette and Braden, to an abandoned bakery, he didn’t think anything of it but that it would be something entertaining to do to pass the time.

This sentence is awkwardly phrased, particularly "he didn’t think anything of it but that." Something like "he thought it would be an entertaining way to pass the time" would be much cleaner.

I also think you’re introducing too many people through summary. I am given Charles, Luisa, Josette and Braden before any of them have spoken or done anything, so the names don’t have much to attach themselves to yet. Starting closer to the bakery would allow you to introduce them through their behaviour. I could see that Luisa is excited, Braden thinks the building looks unsafe and Josette is already trying the locked door.

Charles did not believe in witches. Nor did he believe in zombies. What reason was there for them to exist, anyway?

The mention of witches and zombies tells us very clearly that something supernatural is probably about to happen, but it feels a little sudden because neither has been connected to the bakery yet. Has someone told Charles that a witch once owned it? Without that context, it sounds as though the narrator has brought up two random creatures solely to tell that Charles doesn’t believe in them.

I’d introduce the rumours first and then show Charles dismissing them. That would also give the group a stronger reason to choose this particular bakery.

***

There isn’t much here yet, but the abandoned bakery is a promising setting. It feels more unusual than a standard haunted building, and there are lots of fun details you could use later. At the moment, though, the opening is almost entirely summary. I am told Charles likes adventures, that Mariesville is boring, that he has three companions and that he doesn’t believe in supernatural things, but I haven’t had the opportunity to see his personality for ourselves. I’d consider beginning when the four teenagers reach the bakery and letting those facts emerge naturally through their conversation.

For example, Charles could be the one encouraging everyone through a broken entrance while another character repeats a local story about a witch. Charles could laugh at it, Luisa could tease him and Braden or Josette could be noticeably less confident. That would introduce the characters, the legend and Charles’s scepticism all within the same scene.

Cheers!

Lipton