*This story is underneath my folder titled “Zombies of Mariesville”. Gacha Club character designs are under my forum titled “My character designs<33[2]”. Enjoy!*
In a family backyard, there was a little girl and her Mom having a picnic together. The little girl’s name was “Peyton” and she was so, so happy to be at a picnic with her Mom, but so, so tired.
The day was melting into the afternoon, and Peyton could feel her eyes starting to get heavy, so, she lay down on the blanket for a nap. One little nap wouldn’t hurt, right?
………………………………………………………….
Peyton had dreams that were in bright colors and brought in feelings of joy and happiness, flowing throughout her. She hoped that they’d last, that all the dreams would bring in butterflies and flowers, but still, it’d be a lot better if Mom were around, if Mom were spending time with her.
So, Peyton searched everywhere in her dreams, but she couldn’t find Mom. Maybe Mom was hiding, maybe Mom was far away, but…but WHERE was she? Why wasn’t she coming? Why-
She wouldn’t be able to enjoy the beauty without Mom. It didn’t feel right. It didn’t feel like it should be ALLOWED, for that matter. Everything was starting to become gray and bleak, the air felt cold and constricting and..and…
And from the darkness, there came a woman. A woman with pale skin and sunken-in cheeks, with long, black hair and dressed in black and gray. She reached out towards Peyton with one chunky black claw and said in a withering, rasping voice:
“You, Peyton, have given me life! You gave me existence! Come to me, Helena Blackrose, and I shall protect you for years to come.”
Peyton backed away from Helena’s claws, terror tightening its hold in her throat. Did she really create Helena? Did Helena just come from her fear? If Peyton created her, then why wouldn’t she go away?! Why wouldn’t she disappear?! Peyton tried opening and closing her eyes, calming herself down by taking deep breaths, imagining Helena disappearing into dust, but…nothing happened. Helena stayed, reaching out her claw towards Peyton, smiling with jagged, sharp teeth that were lined by black lipstick, her smile growing wider…wider…
“Peyton, it’s time to go inside.”
Peyton blinked her eyes open. She was lying on the picnic blanket, Mom’s hand on her shoulder. The sky was an even more dim pink than before, a sign that Mom and Peyton had to go inside the house, a sign for Mom to make dinner for Peyton, Dad, and obviously, herself.
It was only a bad dream, but it felt so real, like Helena would actually snatch her, would actually take her away and make sure that Peyton never saw her parents again.
Yet she smiled at Mom and shoved the bad dream away, getting up from the ground and helping Mom clean up.
The picnic at their backyard was a nice thing for Mom to do. Peyton hoped that they would be able to do more nice things together.
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125,021 Literary Works • 672,739 Reviews
Hi creeper!
Yay, some more backstory on the mysterious woman in black. So, my impression here is that Peyton "created" this woman by dreaming her up. Creepy! However, this makes me wonder why Peyton was able to do this. What about her was able to dream up a villain (presumably)? I don't think this necessarily needs a scientific explanation of course, but some sort of other reasoning: is Peyton related to her? does Peyton always have bad dreams? etc etc?
Based on some of the sentences here, they tell us that Peyton really loves her mom and obviously doesn't want to be taken away. I wonder if there are some ways to incorporate this sense of connection to her Mom by showing us more of these details (classic show, don't tell). For example, at the picnic scene:
Peyton is "so, so happy" to be with Mom. What other ways can this be shown to the reader. Peyton snuggling up on Mom's lap? Peyton and Mom sharing a big strawberry cake? Some dialogue between them, too, can also help show this dynamic to the reader.
Eek... uh oh! That doesn't sound good. I'm getting some foreshadowing here. I really like these few lines. I also like the other foreboding sense of doom with that last line:
I'm getting the sense that Peyton won't be having a ton of nice gatherings with her mom!
Have a good day!
Rain
Thx for reading!
Okay let’s get to a new folder
Hmmm I feel like… Nothing really happened in his story?
Yes Peyton had a bad dream and it had some really nice imagery but in the end, it was just her, having a nice afternoon with her mom, and a bit of a sour spot when she fell asleep in the middle of it?
Just a tip: The flow in these three sentences doesn’t really feel right:
“If Peyton created her, then why wouldn’t she go away?! Why wouldn’t she disappear?!”
Might work better if you rephrased it a little, or gave each of these questions a bit more breathing room by interspersing them with a description or something?