*This fanfic is underneath my folder titled “Shadow House fanfics”. Gacha Club character designs are underneath this forum: https://www.youngwriterssociety.com/viewtopic.php?f=27&t=116005&start=1395. This fanfic is based off the Scholastic book series called “Shadow House” written by Dan Poblocki. Poppy is a canon character in the story, but I wrote her as an adult in this. Valerian is my OC. Enjoy!*
Poppy didn’t mention the letter to Valerian, she just made her breakfast of eggs and bacon and ate with him.
“I got a letter this morning. An acceptance letter from Larkspur.”
She dropped her fork in shock. Valerian looked uncomfortable with saying it and she could feel the chill run up her spine.
“Me too. I threw it out the window, though. Do you think that…that Larkspur has come back for us?”
“It wouldn’t make sense. We’re not kids anymore. Larkspur is gone. And if it were here, it would only go after kids.”
Yes, he was right about that, but what if he wasn’t? What if-no. It was only one time. Perhaps they wouldn’t see anything from it again.
“Did you sleep well?” Poppy decided to ask instead.
“As well as off as I could. Thank you for letting me in. I’m not sure I really deserve it.”
“Of course you do.”
She had a feeling that he was lying to her about how well he slept, but she would not press for details. They would both go their separate ways after breakfast and perhaps never speak to each other again.
But her heart had different feelings about that.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
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Original Text:
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125,021 Literary Works • 672,739 Reviews
So curious in fact that I read the other story right after!
I do feel like you could have had a tiny reminder what kinda letter she talked abt, just in the beginning to bring potential returning readers up to speed ^^
Treat your snippets kinda like chapters, so if a reader takes a break or goes to sleep at the end of one “snippet”, you might want them to easily get into the next snippet. So any thought of reminder of continuity would help!
Now I want to know more abt the incident she mentions here: “It was only one time.” Intriguing!
I also find it interesting that she thinks her time with Val is coming to an end when, given that they both received probably the same letter… I highly doubt this is the end of their acquaintance!
I felt like this snippet was a bit less “complete” feeling than the last one.
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Ooooh, okay. So, first off respect for creating your own OC and adding some flair to the original storyline. I also think that you portrayed their hesitation perfectly, it really frames Larkspur as a shadow creeping at the back of their minds even if they're not aware of it. Overall, this entire dialogue stays true to characters who (I'm assuming) have escaped or left Larkspur in the past. However it still bleeds into them even in conversation, which you captured perfectly. Personally, for me, that's what made it so compelling. Of course a minute grammar mistake, and there's a bit of confusion when trying to understand who's speaking when there's no indication after the dialogue, but those are minor adjustments. Thank you for this work.
thx for reading!