*This fanfic is underneath my folder titled “Shadow House fanfics”. Gacha Club character designs are under this forum: https://www.youngwriterssociety.com/viewtopic.php?f=27&t=116005&start=1110. The “Shadow House” I am referencing is a scholastic book series made by Dan Poblocki. There’s a mobile game of it, too. Poppy is in the book seris, Valerian is my OC. Anyway, enjoy!*
After Poppy had so nicely offered a spare room for Valerian to sleep in, he had to look for the spare room himself, but he found it and was happy that he did, since he didn’t want to ask her. She already did enough for him.
There was a bathroom in the spare room, so he used that to fix himself up and when he was done, he went to bed in his undershirt and boxers. They were clean enough for the night.
With that out of the way, Valerian pulled the covers over him, his wings tucked deep into his skin and waited for sleep to come.
………………………………………………………………….
Valerian shook as he hugged his legs close to his chest. His wings were leather, they didn’t help keep him warm.
He was sitting against a tree stump, rain pattering down on him. He was at a local park, deep in the woods. It was a few days after his parents learned the truth. After he attacked them. After he lunged at them. After…
In the distance, Valerian heard what sounded like muffled screams, the screams of children. He jumped up, following the sounds of the children, running through the rain-splattered grass, splashing through the puddles, heart racing as he tried his best to get to the children…the children in the pond…there was splashing…they were drowning! He had to save them…he had to-
Valerian woke up, the same deep, throbbing pain in the back of his head as the pain he felt when he jumped in that pond at twelve years old.
When he was taken.
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hello creeper!
Valerian is interesting! I like how he is physically safe in the spare room, but mentally he is elsewhere. The opening shows him trying not to be a burden to Poppy, which immediately tells me something about him without needing to explain his whole personality. He is grateful, cautious, and maybe a little ashamed of needing help. Then the dream / flashback shifts into a much more intense memory, and all of the drama there creates a sense of trauma returning while he sleeps. That is a pretty solid structure: calm present -> nightmare -> big reveal. I think that's fitting for the brevity of this story.
However, some sentences are very long and repeat information; for example, "he had to look for the spare room himself, but he found it and was happy that he did" could be cleaner. Why was he happy? Why a spare room? What's the history there? I also think the dream could be slowed down, as it rushes through a very important moment. The repeated "After ... After ..." structure is a good idea because it shows his panic / avoidance, but I think the passage jumps too quickly from the tree stump to the screams to the pond to waking. By doing so, the feeling of fear it is meant to create does not get enough room to build up.
I'd suggest focusing on sentence flow, punctuation, and showing more of what Valerian feels in his body before the nightmare scene takes over. Overall, though, this was very interesting!
best,
cocteau
Thx for reading and the advice!
More reviews. Half an hour left. For the landslide of Violet Victory!
Ohh a Poppy story. I remember that I really wanted to check this one out. I also need to check if there is another Sally story. Memo to myself: Do this after this review.
And we are starting this story rather weak with an unnecessary repetition of “spare room” ☹ The first sentence is rather cumbersome…
Ahh the spare room continues its reign of terror, a third mention in a short period spotted!
I really like the way you phrased this: “After he attacked them. After he lunged at them. After…“ makes me feel for this poor guy ☹
[Also I just rly like leather wings… Makes me think of Gargoyles actually. That was such a good show]
Hmm actually this is the first story of yours where I am like: creeper, you should have read over this at least one more time. I get that dialogue formatting which is so important to me is not rly your priority but you usually have good grammar and at least a presentable handle on sentence structure. But this time you hit me with this: “In the distance he heard screams in the distance”? ^^°
In any case, what a sad little insight into where Valerian came from ☹ I feel for him so good job in that regard!