Back at her apartment (part two)

Be sure to read these fanfics that connect to this!:

Connie Caldwell’s request
The interesting man
Let the fake facades rot away
Back at her apartment (part one)

Valerian bit his finger, his eyes nervously looking off into the distance as though he didn’t want to say it. Poppy didn’t comment on it, for she knew what it was like to have a looming past and not towant to speak of it, from the fear of it becoming all too real for the eyes. This is a pretty good start. I like that it’s kind of ambiguous and keeps the reader questioning what it is that both characters are not wanting to talk about.

“I’m not human, Poppy. I would suggest adding an action here, like maybe Valerian shifts on his feet, or he bites his nail, looks out a window… something descriptive to tie in the nervousness he is feeling that can immerse your reader into it rather then simply stating it above. I’m not really sure what I am. It’s just that one day, I woke up and…”

Valerian trailed off and then,]First, move the fact that he is trailing off to end the dialogue tags. Then, start a new sentence here. Bone came out from his back came out bone in the shape of jagged dragon wings and then, those wings which were covered with thick, black leather, most of it having torn and beaten holes. Poppy gasped and put a hand to her mouth, for she had never imagined that she would see such a sight and Start a new sentence here the wings had come so fast, so instantaneously, that she could hardly believe it.

“I know that I’ve mentioned being cautious with the use of ellipses in your writing before, but this would actually be a wonderful place to have one. Especially since it is the continuation of what Valerian was previously saying before he had trailed off. And these wings were on my back. I didn’t know what they were or how to get them out I don’t think it’s really about getting them out of his back but rather getting them off of his back., soStart a new sentence here, I tried asking my Mom and Dad for help, Comma isn’t needed but they just yelled out of fear, so I went and…and I attacked them. They didn’t die, but they kicked me out. I don’t blame them for doing that since I-“

“But they yelled at you when you needed help. Still don’t think that is good enough reason to attack someone Poppy. Smh. I mean can you blame his parents, they were probably really freaked out. Sure maybe they could have handled it better. You didn’t know what you were or what to do and you still don’t know what you are. They made you run when you were only twelve. You may not be human, but you’re not a monster. You just needed guidance.” Poppy said. She seems to be handling this situation way too calm, especially since she had been startled and initially had a shocked reaction to seeing his wings. I find it hard to believe that anyone would suddenly become so accepting of the situation.

She wasn’t quite sure if she was saying those words to him or to herself, but it was comforting all the same to let it be known that no one was truly lost, Start a new sentence here even if family felt like some kind of abstract concept to her the older she got.

“Those are some kind words for someone like me, Poppy. Nobody else is here. You can curse me out if you want to. Does he want Poppy to curse him out? I would think, that after being on his own for so long and probably being treated like some kind of monster (since Poppy had to tell him he wasn’t one) he would be happy to have another person treat him with kindness. So why does it seem now that he is trying to get a negative reaction from Poppy. In fact, I probably shouldn’t have bothered you at all. I’m going to-“

“No, don’t worry about it! You’re not bothering me. You wanted to talk about it to somebody, so I’m glad you could talk about it with me. Do you have a place to sleep in? You can stay in the spare room if you want.” Poppy said.

She wasn’t quite sure why she suggested that he stay with her, but she thought that it was the right thing to do and to imagineimagining him, all alone, comma isn’t needed here out there, it felt far too much like how she felt for most of her childhood, in Thursday’s Hope orphanage. I would capitalize ‘orphanage’ here since it sounds like that is part of the name.

She never wanted that feeling for anyone else.

“I don’t have a home, no, Move the ‘no’ to the beginning of the sentence and stop it here. but you’d let me stay? this time I would actually replace the first question mark with a comma Really? I’m not bothering you or anything am I?” Valerian asked, a hint of hope in his eyes, as though he wanted to believe heradd a comma but couldn’tdidn’t want to push anything. It’s not that he’s pushing anything. More so he has doubts about her kindness and her actions. If he was actually pushing, he would be the one asking if he could stay or whatnot.

“I already told you that you’re not bothering me. Now, get some sleep. We’ve had a long night.” Poppy said, getting up from the couch. Here Poppy doesn’t sound as kind anymore. It’s like she is annoyed with Valerian. Her emotions feel like they are jumping all over the place since she first started shocked, became unreasonably understanding, then kind and now almost cold and distant.

As she walked over to her room, she saw Valerian relax a little inon the couch and her heart eased a little at the tension she took away from him.

Even if Connie never pointed him out to her, she would still help him, because most people did not deserve to be alone. This feels a little odd here. I know that this is a continuation of something you have written prior and this Connie character was probably mentioned there, but right now, it’s almost disconnecting to what is happening. Normally I would suggest rewording sentences to make them flow better, but I think you could honestly leave this one out and be fine. If you leave it, then it feels unfinished.

Okay, again reached the most recent part of the folder 😊

Haha! I knew it! He’s not human and boring. No wonder Connie is interested! Let’s go!
And also no wonder he feels so lost. Maybe he sensed Poppy`s connection to Larkspur House and that’s why he approached her? Or was interested in her in the first place?
Ah and he was not human even while he lived with his parents.. They didn’t know?

I wish you gave a bit more insight on why your characters are doing what they’re doing. At some point “She wasn’t quite sure why she suggested that he stay with her, but she thought that it was the right thing to do” won’t really cut it anymore. I need a bit more on them to make them feel real, to make their decisions have weight. Otherwise the story doesn’t feel real and is more a random collection of things happening with no rhyme or reason.

I like the final line sentence of the story. It feels fitting.

Also ofc: don’t forget the comma for “Poppy said”