*This story is underneath my folder titled “The clowns of the neighborhood”. Gacha Club character designs are under this forum: https://www.youngwriterssociety.com/topic/117842-my-character-designs-lt-33-3?start=135. Enjoy!*
Amias emerged from the circus tent, sharp teeth piercing his tongue. His stomach was screaming at him, the emptiness eating away, like a snake eating its own tail. He had to fill it with something.
There he was! Jace, laughing with Milan as he ate cotton candy. He left Amias with Sylvia. Yes, Amias did care for Sylvia, but he would have liked to be with his friends, too.
Did his friends not want to be with him? Did they prefer it when it was just them? Did they…
Amias lunged towards Jace, biting into his flesh, relishing his screams.
Jace would not leave him alone again!
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138,356 Literary Works • 672,109 Reviews
Hey there!
I started reading and then was like, well, that escalated quickly! Maybe Amias was just hangry, haha. Is Amias an animal? Reading this made me wonder if this was from the perspective of a snake or dog or something like that. I think that would be an interesting concept. Like the pet being mad the owners left it behind with a pet sitter or something. Another very interesting premise, Creeper. Thanks for sharing!
He’s a demonic clown creature, but I can see how you could see him as an animal.
Thx for reading/advice!
Yes, what an amazing opening! Your style has really improved here. This hooked me in, has action, horror, internal feelings; really good! Fun fact: the ancient symbol of a snake eating its own tail is called the Ouroboros! I only wish this part went on for longer, because it's so creepy.
Wait.. Amias is really hungry, and now he's looking at Jace. Jace needs to run aa!! Maybe go into some more detail in this scene about what they look like, how it makes him feel a bit more in depth, and the surroundings. It will help anchor the action.
I want to say, aww poor Amias, but maybe people don't want to be around him because he eats people?? lol
You really should have gone into more gory detail here; it would have made the short piece more spooky and entertaining!
Looking forward to more
Yayy and I love reading your reviews!
A very interesting title chosen by the writer!
The use of imagery is amazing here as the opening line about sharp teeth piercing the tongue instantly hooks the reader. Followed by a strong metaphor, the snake eating its own tail, perfectly captures the gnawing sensation of hunger and anxiety.
The writer did a fantastic job capturing Amias’s internal insecurity, the fear of being left out is so relatable and visible. This insecurity or emotion could have been explained a bit more.
The sudden escalation from internal sadness to a violent physical lunge creates an excellent, unexpected shift. The transition from his emotional hurt to the sudden, visceral violence at the end was shocking and intense.
The leap from feeling left out to full vampirism happens incredibly fast, clarify if Amias is a supernatural creature (vampire/ghoul) or if this is a psychological break. To make it even stronger, I’d love a tiny bit more build up right before he lunges, just to stretch out that tension.
Beautifully dark work!"
Keep it up.
Waiting for more.
Thank you.
He’s a demonic clown creature.
Thx for reading/advice!