*This story is underneath my folder titled “The clowns of the neighborhood”. Gacha Club character designs are under this forum: https://www.youngwriterssociety.com/viewforum.php?f=403. Enjoy!*
Amias and Jace laughed as they played with action figures, the most absurd of stories coming through their minds. They played every day at recess, adding whatever ideas they could to their extensive, imaginary universe.
Suddenly, something pushed Amias to the grass, the weight of…whatever it was pushing deep into him.
As quickly as it came, he felt the weight being pulled right off.
“Don’t push my friend like that!” Jace cried out.
Amias turned around. Jace was holding onto a girl with scraggly blond hair in grass-stained overalls, dirt dotting her face like the leftovers of pixie dust.
So the girl was what fell on top of him, and Jace was what carried her off! Oh, it made sense!
The girl smiled sheepishly, toothy grin showing.
“I’m sorry! I just like running around a lot. You can play, too. It’s lots of fun!” The girl said happily.
Amias and Jace looked over at each other. Did they really want to run around aimlessly, without any purpose whatsoever?
Yes. Yes, they did.
“Okay then! We’ll play!” Amias said.
He got up from the ground, brushing the dirt off his clothes. Toys could wait, he had to show them just how fast he could run.
“Wait, what’s your name? I’m Amias, and this is my friend, Jace.” Amias said, gesturing to his friend.
Jace grinned, letting go of the girl.
“Oh, I’m Milan.” She replied.
“Milan! It’s nice to meet you. Now, no more standing around! Let’s play!” Amias giggled.
With that, the children ran, joy in their hearts and delight in their minds.
Points:
Time spent:
IP address:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
141,247 Literary Works • 674,329 Reviews
You’ll have to forgive me for this review if there’s any mistakes since I am on mobile and hiding at work in order to write it .. shh please don’t tell my boss!
Okay so this is starting really sweet and innocent, with two kids simply playing. I love how you’re describing their playing, but maybe focus on exactly what sort of ideas they’re bringing to life!
I know it’s going to get darker from here on, because, well, this is you’re writing we’re talking about!
There’s the darkness! I think you mean pushing into him hard, rather than deep though!
I like Jace, trying to protect his friend!
okay not creepy at all… I love the description of the girl! Lean deeper into this some more! I want to know how terrifying she is in detail!
This is my favourite bit. I love this, they’re just innocent little kids who want to have fun! You write that sort of perspective really well.
Okay well what a surprise! It’s not involved murder or anything super dark!! Wow that’s left me speechless. I dare say a later chapter might get darker??
This was a really sweet extract overall!
And we have reached the second friend of Amias =D
I feel just saying that they are coming up with stories already elevates this play session from the one last chapter!
I wish you would have been a bit more descriptive in what was happening, physically, to Amias when he fell. If he’s dazed or annoyed or too shocked to feel much?
Lovely description of the girl!
Again I find myself wondering why you feel the need to repeat that?
It was very obvious from the descriptions earlier and this kinda drags the story down.
“You can play too” I don’t understand why she says that? Does she mean that they can run with her too? Or is that an observation that the boys were playing with their toys?
Again a very sweet chapter :3
Join the fight! Write more reviews!