The cold bite of the wind whipped at her hands, dragging her ebony hair against her scalp and throwing her jacket across her slight shoulders, catching the autumn leaves in a craze of auburn and red around her hurrying figure. The sky was a dark purple, twilight setting in on the formidable wind and cascading drops of rain on the bricked over alley.
She knew she probably looked like a small child, her hands curled up in fists at her sides as she hurried across the street, her hood pulled tightly over her pale face.
But a child would never face a dark street, a child would never hurry towards a dingy pub on the latest of hours, but more importantly, a child would never be carrying a wicked two sided broad swords trapped across a faded brown messenger bag.
She reached the end of the small alley, following the cracked lines of the pavement towards the only half way decent building in the street; a forlorn pub with poorly applied duck tape strapped diagonally across the small windows. The pub was small, squashed onto a two stores piece the color of faded brown, with a bright blue sign, staying the pubs name; the Tawny Ledger.
As the rain came down yet again harder, she cocked her head to the side and let it run down her cheeks, her eyes black tunnels, looking more like they belonged in a zombie standoff then the side of a chilled pub.
She ran now, her movements a blur, faster then any human and in less then a second stood at the threshold of the pub, her hands lengthening and curving until they resembled short crude claws.
The path was stone concrete, fastened there years ago, among a small patch of grass but was weathered away from the years of use, almost as soon as she crossed the threshold her legs bent, the concrete groaning from her slim frame, with hardly a second passing the concrete seemed to fold in on itself, creating a natural spring board, she propelled upwards, landing on the stiff ground of the second floor.
It was ironic that no one was there to see it, they would have surely called the police, what person can jump two stores in one leap! But the dark street was empty, as empty as the eyes that where scanning the slim door of the second floor vents. She was lethal and catlike, but strangely empty, no emotion flicking across her dormant eyes, if she had lied down motionless on the filthy ground, by the next morning she would be presumed dead.
She crossed the small space to the door quickly, jerking her hand back in a violent gesture, the faded brown wood of the door coming apart in her hands. She stepped over the broken splinters and crossed through the door way. The hall was cramped, leading ten meters in front of her with two doors at the end of it, unmarked and a light gray, whereas the hall was lit in a yellow glow, presumably from the numerous lanterns that lit across the wall.
She strode forward, no confusion passing her face as she reached the intersection of the two doors, passing through the left one as if it was water. On the other side of the door was enough to take anyone's breath away, the room, if that was the right word for it, was lit in a dim yellow glow showing the soaring roadie, stone tiles and Hugh glass windows starched with white. Beautiful, yes, but completely empty apart from the tall backed throne that stood a step above everything. The arms covered in crocodile hide and green velvet, lot with patterns of earth and air.
She looked momentarily taken back but kept on walking forward.
"Ahh, Alexa Alyasan, long time no see.." Said the voice behind the chair, speaking in a cruel rough tone that cut through the air like a knife.
"Yes master" she replied without a moments hesitation.
Hi! I really liked this. The opening image, with the character walking through the swirling fall leaves, was very cool. I could definitely imagine it. There are a few things that I noticed, though.
You use a lot of run on sentences throughout this piece. This sentence, for example, could easily be broken up into two or three different sentences. This would help a lot with clarity. Run on sentences can become very confusing!
I found this part a little confusing. You say that her hands are lengthening, but then you say that they're short.
I'm not really sure what you are trying to say here. Is the "lot" a typo?
Overall, I thought that this was very interesting. You have lots of description, so the scene was easy to imagine. The characterization needs some work, though. We get lots of descriptions about what the girl looks like physically - pale, ebony hair, empty eyes. That's great. But we don't really get to know anything about her personality. Readers need to know what your character is like before they can connect to her. I know that this is only a prologue, though. I can't wait to see where this goes!
Hope I helped!
Magnus
So before I start, I haven't really reviewed anything before so I'm still learning.... Ok so first thing is I like the general idea of this and your descriptive words are very good. It needs a little work though, it seems to jump around a little bit. I get that this woman is suppost to be unhuman like and I'm guessing pretty emotionally empty from what you've put on here but I'm not sure what exactly she looks like. Ebony hair I'm not sure what she looks like, so perhaps get a little more details on the character herself. Also, I would personally put more into the description of where she is. Just based upon what you've said it sounds like she's in a bad part of town or city? but I wasn't sure if that was your intent. Over all though I think this is a story I might enjoy and love to read more of. Good job