To those of you who have read my other stories, you know I love to tread the darker paths of life, and that I love to dredge up stories of sorrow, of insanity, of death, of life, and of love itself. I have made it my duty to take these forgotten tales of woe and wonder and bring them into the light. I have told you many tales of doom and despair so now, perhaps, a brighter story is in order...
We come to an evergreen forest, dark and shadowy and gilt with frost, and to an old roman soldier lying underneath a palace of stars. His sword, chipped at the edges, tells the story of countless battles. Now his sword lies at his side, at rest from fighting countless enemies. An old, moth-eaten blanket covers the warrior, a thin layer between him and the November chill above, but the centurion cares not for he remembers worse. Much, much worse...
He remembers nights he spent with his troops, fighting men and frostbite alike. Alas, his poor troops! So many brave souls led to their deaths! Who was left to remember them but he? The old soldier began thinking... would he, too, be forgotten? He thought back to the nations he fought, the cities his armies destroyed. He thought of his victories, his defeats. These could not be forgotten...could they? Some day, he would die, and all of his friends, his enemies, they would die too. All destined to die alone, forgotten, lost in the darkness of times gone by. Their stories of him, never carried on into the bright, new world of the next generation. His victories, his defeats, forgotten!
The old, weary warrior reasoned with himself, surely his body, his name would remain when he has passed! But all too soon, memories of his fallen comrades crept up on him, the unmarked graves, the headless corpses, torn and bloodied beyond recognition. Their tombs, nothing more than shallow pits, sometimes without so much as a coin for the toll to the next life. Would this be his fate? The centurion shuddered, suddenly feeling the biting cold. He felt himself grow heavy with the dark thoughts of death, despair, and the fate of the forgotten. Bleakly, the warrior, the soldier searched his memories for something that would stand the test of time. Oh beautiful, dreaded time!
Suddenly, like a fire being sparked into being, it hits him! His legacy, his history, all contained within the beautiful walls of Rome! The wondrous city, filled with the houses of his friends and family. The well where he watered his first horse, the camp where he trained to be a soldier, the gate through which he marched to fight the enemies of the magnificent jewel that is Rome! Rome, so wondrous, would never fade, and would carry the story of the battles he fought to protect her! And so, the weary warrior drifted to sleep in this forest gilt with frost, and dreamed of the glorious jewel, the city he lived for, his home... the beautiful city of Rome.
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125,008 Literary Works • 672,814 Reviews
This might seem strange , but your intro before the story really caught my eye. If you really write those kind of stories , I'd really like to read them . I am a fan of this type of theme and context in writing and I seek to portray it as well , despite the shortage of works i have uploaded on the site (I'm kinda new here). To the point though ! I really like how you describe the setting to us in the beginning. Normally I wouldn't like something like this , I prefer small hints or descriptions rather later into a story. Yet you did it in a way that it was beneficial to your story as I can't imagine it without it. The fact that the centurion is not given a name shows that this could be anyone , that many centurions , many old warriors go through this. It is not limited to the character of one man , you show that this might happen to anyone who has led a life like this. You create a more realistic image of the centurion and of a leader in general. It's not a glorious "superhero" that dominates the battlefield. No , a centurion is a human too and we can really see the mantle of leadership upon his shoulders , how this weight has defined this man , his whole life. How most of his memories , if not all , are from his time in the army and how these memories are mainly focused on his fellow soldiers. So, you create the image of a true leader , of a man that has cared so much about the men he commanded , that even long after they've died or retired , he still thinks of them and cares for them. Finally , his thoughts move on to broader level. He puts himself into the context of Rome and seems to find some solace in the hope , in the thought that Rome will be remembered and thus through the glory of Rome , he will be remembered too. The language is beautiful , fitting to this melancholical setting. All in all , a very good piece of work , well written and masterfully delivered. Hope to see more of that ! Have a nice day !
Thank you so much for reading this, and I am so glad you like it! I write in a lot of different styles, but this format is one of the ones I am most fond of. I don't use it as much as I could (I get ideas like crazy,and it is normal for me to have four or five plotlines in my head at one time, but finding the time or the right words can be an issue) but if you like, I would be more than happy to give you advice or reviews when you write something of this sort, if you haven't already done so. Anyway, thanks again and have a nice day!
A very strong start to this passage. A tired warrior laying in the forest is such a simple thing, but the visualization you mustered up to perfectly describe this scene is very impressive. Mentioning that the sword is chipped at the ages, not destroyed because this character is victorious, but chipped due to wear and tear from countless battles is an amazing detail. The centurion does not care about the cold, as he has been through it all. It doesn't bother him.
This is quite a thought-provoking questions. Think back to wars fought in the past, and only a small fraction of people can be remembered, if at all. Benedict Arnold is maybe the only one remembered by the masses, and his fame comes from the exact opposite of nobility.
Character wise, I see a bit of egotism form in the warrior, but to an extent, I'm not sure if anyone quite wants to be forgotten.
Adding to that, the idea that he doesn't want his defeats to be forgotten either tells me that this warrior is indeed, quite selfless. I would think it's simply in the nature of a warrior to not want to be forgotten.
A very sorrowful, but vivid and powerful image. It puts the message in perspective quite well.
I like the feelings of cold and heat being used to represent the warrior's inner feelings, the fire eradicating the frost that the warrior endured from the thoughts of being forgotten. Then, he comes to the conclusion that he'll never be forgotten, because of his beautiful city that he believes will stand forever.
This last sentence wraps the story up nicely, I like the shift in imagery from shallow graves and soldiers dropping dead like flies to this beautiful city where he lived and will now die, and how he was a part of it to protect it. It's a happy note, in a story that definitely needed to end on a happy note.
This is a touching, powerful story that puts a unique respective on life and those warriors who will either be remembered or forgotten in time. I thought it was pretty great and don't have much of anything to correct, it's obvious that a lot of effort went into this, and it paid off. Well done.
Thank you for the compliments!
yeah, np
This is an interesting take on Rome. I would have never thought of writing something like this.
Oh yeah. My name is TheLearningWriter. Nice to meet you!
Anyhow, back onto the topic of your story. I really like it. I feel bad for the main character in this short story. Well, at first I did. It was sad thinking how all he had done would disappear over time, like flames burning an old picture. But then, at the end, I found myself smiling. That was a great way to end it, and was something I wasn't expecting. Sure, Rome eventually falls, but even now people can still visit it. It's history is still told to the people of the world. So this main character's tale lives on today. Great job on this!
Thank you for the review, TheLearningWriter, and thank you for the compliments. Cheers to you, for being the first to see how this story is connected to Rome, and how Rome still being around today affects this piece. Believe it or not, you show great talent as a writer to think outside the box. Most reviews I have gotton so far focus on the character, and being forgotten. You truly have promise, my friend.
You're welcome! That's interesting-I would have guessed that to be something that a lot of people picked up on! Thanks. Hopefully that promise transforms into some good talent!
Oh wow, I really loved this. Your detail and writing was beautiful.
I loved this sentence. It shows not just the bloody killing in war, but also the other killing aspects.
The ending was my favorite part. How he was so in love with Rome, and how wonderfully you describe it.
Even though this was such a short story, it was packed with emotion. Most really, really short stories aren't all that good, but this was great. (I know I've said it like four hundred times but it was just so !!!!!!!!)
Keep writing!
~Fire
Thank you for reading this, it makes me happy when people comment and review my work! Thank you for the compliments, and in regards of being told to keep writing, I must say I thoroughly intend to!
Hello, steampowered here for a review! I feel like this might be quite a short review, but I’ll do my best.
I found this an interesting idea which was well-written, and I really like the literary style you’ve used. However, I’m wondering if this might make a good poem, if the formatting was changed around a little. It’s obviously just an idea and you don’t have to take my suggestion, but I feel like it could work.
You changed tenses here, which kind of jars. I’d choose one tense and stick to it.
I really like the use of exclamations in the piece, which gives the story the feel of something epic and dramatic. Again, I feel like this could make it a really good poem, but it works well in a short story too.
I really love this ending. I’d like to respectfully disagree with bobgod, and say that (in my opinion at least) this was a really good piece of writing. It was literary, yet still relatively concise, and didn’t come across as being too pretentious.
There was also plenty of clarity. Sometimes writers try and be too literary, and as a result their writing loses all focus and it’s extremely difficult for the reader to understand exactly what they’re trying to say. I didn’t face that problem when I was reading this, and obviously communication and being able to understand what is actually happening is the most fundamental part of writing!
Hopefully this review helped, and makes sense. Feel free to let me know if you ever want anything else reviewed, and keep on writing!
Thank you very much for the compliments and suggestions! It makes me very happy when people read my writing, and even more so when they comment upon it. In regards of you saying keep on writing, I thoroughly intend to! ^\/^
I felt as if this was an interesting idea, but some what poorly executed. Your writing seemed rather repetitive, with simple transitions, and words used numerous times. Also, some of your sentences are very simple, and choppy. Likewise, I don't think a Centurion would be leading armies, as they were simply commanders of eighty men within a Roman Legion. Other than that not bad I suppose.
Although most people seem to disagree with your review, me being one of them, I thank you for taking the time to read this and I apologize if you did not enjoy it. I know that a centurion only comanded around 80 men, but I never stated that he was always a centurion. If someone did badly in the army (example, leading their army into a snow storm) they could lose their rank and start traveling down the ladder of power.
Hey!
I saw this in the Green Room and decided to check it out. I apologize for any typos, I currently can't see very well out of my left eye, and I am writing this on an iPod.
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I think you accidentally put two titles for the man in this sentence; the " the warrior the soldier" if you wanted to use both these titles, I'd separate them with a comma.
There's an odd space between "time" and "suddenly" I think you may have meant to start a new paragraph.
With an ellipsis it's best (and more proper) to stick to the typical three dots~ "..."
Overall, I really loved this short little story.
~Myth
Thank you very much for reviewing my work, and I hope your eye feels better soon! Best of luck!
No problem, I love reviewing things! And thank you!
Greetings readers! I am sorry for the authors note of sorts at the top, but I am trying to draw interest of my other stories. With the exception of His Last Embrace, they are all as good, if not better than this story. I love tales of the forgotten kind, of heart break and of the last agonizing breaths of those who have died for a purpose. I love to bring stories to life, even as the characters sometimes drift away in the arms of death. Please enjoy my latest story, and please leave me a review, or even read my other tales of wonder and woe. And remember..... I want to be remembered for a thousand summers into the future and not be another voice that fades into the endless echo of the past...