a song
Reasons are reasons,
lies are lies,
we all live our lives,
and then, we die.
Songs are songs
telling all the lies I've lived.
What you want,
I no longer have to give.
Life is so short,
love while you can.
Our time is running
through our fingers like sand.
A new beginning is within the end,
so hand me the knife,
and we'll begin, again.
Blood on the water,
death on the boat,
but up in the sky,
our spirits, they float.
See what could happen?
See what could be?
All you must do...
is leave it up, to me.
A new beginning,
is within the end...
So hand me the knife,
and we'll begin, again.
She turned to him, holding out the knife. He looked at her, a rising fear growing in his chest. Was he really going to do this? Slowly, a grin grew across his beloved's face, her eyes glimmering with hidden laughter. "Do you trust me?" she asks him, and he hesitates. Gingerly, he reaches for the shining blade. He holds it up so that he could see his reflection. He is shocked to find a look of terror upon his face. When had his life become this horrid mess? There had to be a better way... He holds the knife out to his lover, handle first. "No... I'm sorry, but- I can't do this." he finally chokes out. Her expression quickly transforms into one of pure hatred, but then, to his shock and horror, a twisted smile crawls across her face. In a sudden motion, she holds the knife to his throat, quivering with excitement and adrenaline. "Wrong choice." she whispers, and then everything goes black.
A vision of a little girl with honey colored braids streaming down her back, and of a little boy, his skin as pale as new cream. Together they stand in a field of wheat, the air around them golden with love and promises. A summer haze surrounds the pair, fading their images around the edges, until they appear to be nothing more but a sweet, shining memory.
"Let's start over together, okay?"
"Okay."
Points:
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Canary word: Present
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125,008 Literary Works • 672,814 Reviews
Hey, Chloe! Artemis28 here. Happy Review Day!
Honestly, I have nothing to say.
This was a beautiful horror story! The italicized part at the very end... it was amazing. When you repeat the start over again part, it meant a lot because you were referencing a part earlier in the poem, which is a powerful literary technique. I applaud you for using it. Good job!
You're also extremely descriptive. I love your style, even if I'm not usually into horror. This was a beautiful work, and I can't find anything wrong with it.
Good job and keep writing, Chloe!
-Artemis28
Thank you for the compliments!
This is a beautiful horror song. Quite honestly, I'm not sure why I've been into the horror genre lately-Actually, it's because of FNAF. Anyhow, I really liked this song. It would sound so pretty, and yet send shivers racing up my spine relentlessly.
The ending part was great too! I love the last it of dialogue the most. I'm not sure if I would want to start over with a lover like her, but I guess he can choose what he wants to do with his life. It certainly was creepy how she killed him, but at the same time I saw it coming. Good luck on your writing endeavors, and keep up the great work!
OMG my brother is so into FNAF too. Personally the game just really scares me! XD
)
(sorry, just saw your review with this piece and had to tell you that random tidbit
It's fine. It's strange. I think I love the theories and story behind it-It also makes awesome fanfiction material! XD
Thank you for the review, I really appreciate it! ^\/^ I've never played FNAF, but I have heard of it. Best of luck, and I hope I hear more of you!
You're welcome!
Hi there, chhlovebooks! RagingLive here to review your song/poem!
First of all, even in the song part, you had good imagery. At the end of the review I'll show you some of my favorite lines or descriptions, but for now, I'm anxious to get started!
You entitled it as a song, yet I found it hard to decipher any stanzas or choruses. You did have very good rhythm and rhyme going, so bravo on those two points!
I'm going to suggest that you combine these sentences into one and use a regular period at the end instead of ellipses.
"and the, we die."
This advice will tie in with what I'm going to show you next.
This doesn't really flow and kind of messes with my mind a bit. I'm suggesting here what I did above:
"I no longer have to give."
Follow through with this practice throughout the rest of your song and I'm sure it will help your readers out tremendously.
The italicized paragraphs below were a bit hard to read, so I'm going to show you a few places where it might do you some good to edit.
There is no need for the ellipses at the beginning of the spoken dialogue. Also, the usage of ellipses at the end of the spoken dialogue isn't proper, so I'm going to give you an example of how you can spice this up while also making it easier to read.
"'No . . . I'm sorry, but - I can't do this," he finally chokes out.'
This is my favorite line. I think that you had great imagination to come up with this simile - or analogy I think. Maybe. I always get those two mixed up!
I'm looking forward to your next post, so please keep writing and keep on smiling!!
~RagingLive
Dear raginglive, thank you very much for reading this! I am very happy that you like this, and it makes me even happier that you are enjoying my writings enough to read more of my stories, poems, and songs. Thank you for the compliments and for the advice, I have already edited bits of my story accordingly. However, I can not go and remove the italics upon the tablet I am writing upon. This stupid tablet would most likely delete my entire story if I tried. Also, a bit of help with your simile problem. A simile compares things using the words 'like' or 'as'. Thank you once again for reading this!
Amazing! This is definitely one of my favorite poems on here. I loved the structure, rhythm, and rhymes. Overall, it had a creepy feel to it especially with the paragraphs in italics at the end. The descriptions were great and they really put an image in my mind. I really don't have anything to critique. It was really good, and I didn't see any spelling or punctuation errors. Great job!
Thanks a ton for reviewing my piece, and I am glad you liked it!