It is an early afternoon in November, and I sit on a cold metal bench, staring up at the soft gray sky, waiting. In the air are the aromas of wood smoke and exhaust, and ever so faintly, a whisper of honey and spice. The scent of promises. The trees around me are gray and bare, their rich and vivid colors long since scattered among the many gutters of the city. Clouds cover the sky in a white, fleecy blanket, and it looks like a blank canvas, waiting for some secret painter to come and cover it in vibrant hues. Ahh, yes. This is the perfect place to dream.
Slowly, the wind picks up, sending the clouds scurrying across the sky. The trees bend and wave in the breeze, and I stand up to join them in their dance. I stretch my wool-cloaked arms out to the horizon. A sudden gust sets my hair free from its restraints and it curls out in a caramal-colored wave, streaming back against my head. My hat flies away to join the breeze, and my coat flutters against the oncoming storm, like wings of some strange bird. Rain begins to thunder down, gently at first, but the drops pour in ever-increasing numbers. Yet still I stand there, against the flood. It is just getting good...
For here comes the real storm. A rift in the clouds above opens up, and draws my attention. It discloses a glimpse of sapphire blue, of such a shade that seems impossible for mortal eyes to fully enjoy it's splendor. And yet, despite there being no clouds, there is still rain flowing down from the rift. Only, the deluge is slightly different. Each drop that falls sparkles like an iridescent jewel before hitting the ground with a gentle "ping". It sounds like music to those with an untrained ear, but I know otherwise. To me, it sounds like memories. Quickly, I run to enjoy the sparkling rain. This was what I was waiting for. I stumble across the wet pavement into the light, a smile growing upon my face. I spin around in the sunshine and laugh as the glowing gold drops tickle the skin on my face. I sigh in ecstasy and close my eyes in joy. Here comes the show.
The first thing that comes to me is the aroma of fresh mint, still damp from the rain. It's fresh, clean scent drifts across the breeze and into my mind, and soon, the image of an old woman coming out of an old stone house follows. The windmills in the background spin in the crisp chill as the woman strolls through the fresh, emerald grass. She wears a soft pink dress, and it ripples in the breeze as she kneels to pick a sprig of vivid green foliage. The last thing I see before the scene changes, is the woman's silver hair, shining in the pale sunlight, and the smile that crosses her face at the simple pleasures in her life.
The next picture is a view of a city as the sun sinks behind the great, gray clouds that swirl around the skyscrapers. As the first raindrops begin to fall, the normally busy streets halt for a moment as people pause in their tracks to put up their umbrellas. In an instant, the drab sidewalks are transformed into an explosion of color. The burst of color reflects across the windows and adds new dimension to the otherwise bleak scene. Blues and greens mingle with oranges and blacks in a raging torrent of humanity. All too soon, the novelty of rain wears away and the pavement resumes its bustle. I watch as the world continues on it's way.
A girl wearing a cream sweater and a bright red hat strolls down a gray sidewalk. She turns this way and that, looking for something among the fiery red trees that line the narrow parkway. The black streetlamps start to glow as dusk sets in. Her movements grow frantic as the world grows dark around her. Clouds begin to gather above, and she hunches her shoulders against the harsh chill. At last, her shoulders slump as she gives up her search. As she makes her way through the park, the sound of footsteps echoes in the silence. She turns at the sudden sound, and a cheerful grin crawls across her face. Her lover comes to her side, laughing at her change in mood. Gently, he entwines his gloved fingers in hers and guides her into his warm embrace. Together, they huddle against the cold and the approaching rain for a moment, before walking away into the approaching twilight. Slowly, the scene fades into a tangle of cashmere and wool, and a new vision emerges.
An ancient woman sits by a fire, knitting a beautiful brown sweater. The aroma of wood smoke and cinnamon fills the air, and the sound of her rocking chair against the floor boards resounds throughout the cabin. A ragged red rug lays upon the floor, and pair of crimson curtains hangs in the window. The elderly matron's knitting needles click in harmony with the rain outside. The fire casts a golden glow over the scene as the woman's eyes wander over the many objects upon the shelves. Each item seems to strike a chord with her, for her eyes crinkle up at the corners, and she smiles a toothless grin. Her eyes are a rich royal blue, still sparkling with youth, despite her age. Her gaze lands upon an old chair in the corner, the fabric stained and faded with use. A layer of dust rests upon it and she lets out a soft sigh. She turns back to hearth and puts down her knitting as the fire crackles against the sudden silence. Slowly, her eyes drift shut as the coals begin to cool. And as the last ember winks out, the rain stops and the house is quiet.
The image fades away as I open my eyes, blinking in the sunlight. I stretch out against the cramps in my limbs as the cold metal of the bench digs into my back. A thick layer of dew covers the grass, and it sparkles like a million jewels. The air is still and wet and cool against my skin. I ease myself up into a sitting position and look out across the sky, only to find it cloudless. Shaking off the sleep that still clouds my mind, I turn and gather up my belongings that I had laid there, only a few hours before. Standing up, I set out down the damp parkway, my mind still whirling with the events of the afternoon. Alas, it was only a sweet November dream.
I hope this makes sense to you guys. Please leave a comment, and have an awesome November.
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Hi, chhlovebooks, I am here to review you work so you will find some strengths, weakness and next time ( a.k.a WSN ) So read more to learn something, Lets start with the weakness: Number one is add emotions and feelings about the character to help the reader understand about the character more. That's It! One weakness, now strengths: Number one is I like the way you describe the character's feeling ( except putting feelings and emotion like " I am very happy ") "My mind still whirling with the events of the afternoon. Alas, it was only a sweet November dream." Number two is how i like the way you format it into paragraph and one tip while paragraphing is whenever you paragraph is when you change the setting story, a another paragraph with different place or setting. So yea that's it and now Next Step: Next time try putting feelings and emotion and i want you keep describing the character's motion and paragraphing them by different setting. Well that's it now remember what i tell you and Happy Writing!
Sorry if there seems to be a lack of emotion on the narrator's part, but the reader is supposed to focus more on what the narrator experiances than on the narrator themselves. The narrator is kind of having either an out of body experience, or is just dreaming, depending how you want to interpret the story. Thanks for the review!
like how the character feels about the dream, is it creepy, sad, mad?
Again, I leave a lot of stuff up to interpretation purposely. For me, it is kind of sad and wistful, but also slightly happy that she had such a dream. Also, a tiny bit confused at the events, and wondering if it was all real. However, it is up to the reader to truly decide.
okay thx now i got it
Glad I could help!
Hi chhlovebooks, Amindor here.
Now, every time I read something with a good amount of details, the work seems to have too many details, which makes it so dull I stop reading. But your work is amazing. It has a lot of details, and each one captures my attention. Now I do say I kind of get the story, but then again, it's still a little confusing. I do see that the old women seemed to have a connection with the rain and the fire that lay in the hearth. But I don't see any more connections. Could you explain this to me so I could understand it more? I loved this, and I can't wait to read and review more of your work in the future! Keep writing on!
Thank you for the review! Since you seem to be confused, allow me to explain. This whole story revolves around a myth in my family's history. It kind of goes along the lines of this: memories can drift out of people's minds, which is when they forget stuff. Most days, the memories are lost in the atmosphere, but on days when it is raining, has recently rained, or is about to rain, the memories get trapped by the clouds. The memories are then incorporated into the rain, giving it a special sparkle. When too many memories have gathered up in the clouds, they fall with the rain and if you're lucky enough to witness it, you can sometimes catch glimpses of people's memories. Most are never lucky enough to see it, but you can tell it has rained memories when the air smells kind of different than you expect, and the remaining raindrops sparkle brighter than they usually do. I'm sorry if this confused you. The overall plot is about the narrator, who has heard the legend and has waited for it to rain, in hopes she will witness the fall of sweet memories. You can decide for yourself whether she fell asleeps and just dreamed it all, or if she really experianced a series of sweet November memories.
Hola chhlovebooks =) FallWolf here to (hopefully!) help u out
First of all I just want to say, this is an awesome story! Your imagery is vivid and you really pulled me into your Autumn dream. However, like all stories, it can be improved in some parts =)
The opening to this story is interesting, but doesn't really fit with the rest of the story. I get the picture of a grumpy, miserable kid sitting hunched on a bench while the rest of the story shows this dreamy girl with a faraway look in her eyes, always wondering at the world. I would suggest revising the first two sentences.
Also, though you were pretty good with this, you could use some more synonyms for "scene" and "picture". I always think that the more unique synonyms, the better.
"Clouds cover the sky in a white, fleecy blanket and it almost looks like a blank canvas," this sentence could be better. I would suggest taking out the 'almost' altogether. It doesn't really have to be there.
Apart from those little things and a couple grammar mistakes (In the air is the air are) (It is and early afternoon in November) this is a really imaginative piece!
Don't stop writing!
Thanks for the review!