I stand at the ocean's edge, taking in the beautiful glow of the sun upon the cold waters, but I am not here for the view. The sand stuck to my large boots crumbles to the ground as I shift my weight impatiently. I strain my ears, hoping to hear the voice of the one I long for, half-hoping that I will not have to listen anymore, that I could break my promises and stop seeking the answers to the questions that used to torture me so. I couldn't care less about such things now that everything has happened. Alas, my prayers go unanswered and all too soon the voice of my beloved echoes across the waves, rippling in an endless song full of hope and never-ending joy. How I hate that lovely tune...
I try to distract myself from the aching in my heart, try not to think about all the horrible moments that came into being. It sometimes seems they were created just to rip apart everything and everyone I know until the world becomes nothing more than a bloody and broken fragment of what it used to be. No such luck besets me. The images of the trees that once grew along this forsaken coastline drifts through my mind, followed by the mountains that were blasted to rubble to make room for the thousands of factories that dotted the landscape, the billowing yellow smog that blew from their smoke stacks that dyed the once blue sky a putrid shade of brown, and the terrible diseases that resulted from it. Breaking the silence, I asked,
"Was it destined to be destroyed? Was there anything we could do? Please...is it really as...hopeless...as it seems? How can I continue going on like this?" Surely she would answer, her voice still existed didn't it? She always knew the answers, she would be able to give me hope again, the way she used to...it wasn't like she was completely gone... I shook my head slowly, what was I thinking? She was no longer with me, she wouldn't answer... I tried to make myself believe this, but I couldn't. I couldn't imagine a world without her, I still can't! I look back out the horizon, squinting against the glare of the sun upon the water, listening once more to my beloved's sweet melody, desperately hoping for a change in tune, a waver, a pause, anything that might be considered an answer. The melody carries on as if it couldn't care less about my pleas, blissfully unaware of my suffering. I felt a searing pain of betrayal deep within my heart.
She had to answer, I needed her to, she would never leave me alone! I shook my head roughly, trying to rid myself of my doubts. I squeeze my eyes closed and try with everything I have to listen for an answer to why I should keep on living when there was nothing worth living for anymore. All that rewards me for my efforts is the sound of her laughter, serenading across the sea, tinkling like the sweetest of bells. I feel as if there is some one beside me, and I turn around abruptly, searching for the presence. A cold breathe of wind brushes against the bare skin upon the back of my neck, and I shiver as it whispers in the voice I know so well, the words,
"Listen to me, the world needs you..."
I feel a heat grow within me, anger, red and fiery hot. Slowly, it bubbles up from the depths of my being, and I begin to shake with rage. A wave of pure fury crashes upon me, spilling out from my mouth in the form of bitter, hate-filled words.
" What do you think I've been doing!? Every evening for the past five years, I have been out here keeping that stupid promise of mine, listening to you singing some stupid tune that is supposed to give me the answers I want! Every single day I hear your voice echoing from my memories, from the horizon, from the very sea that claimed you! Why!? Why are you still here?! You are GONE, lost, seperated from me forever! There isn't a single day, no matter how badly I want it, that goes by without me thinking of you! I waited here, I followed through on my promise to listen, no matter what, and you still haven't answered! Why I should carry on like this!? Why can't you leave me alone?!? Why?!"
I sank to my knees, my pounding head in my hands. I let out a strangled whisper, choked by long-denied emotion...
"Why...why.....why did you leave me in this nightmare....." Scalding tears poured down my cheeks, dropping softly into the sand. My whole world was spinning out of control, Earth was polluted beyond recognition, many of my friends lay dead or dying, struck down by the mysterious illness that had claimed so many lives already...and yet I am still here... Haven't I suffered enough? I curled up, burying my face into my knees, like if I could get small enough, I could disappear. Slowly, I felt a warmth surround me, and a voice I knew so well echoed in my ear.
"Do you know why I stepped onto the boat that day?" I shook my head as much as I could without showing my face and I wrapped my arms around myself, trying to shut out that beautiful, terrible voice.
"I did it because I thought that I could make a difference, that those samples could change the world. Earth is my home, and it's your home too. It is filled with wonderful things... it is time you realize that." I felt the presence of my beloved wrap something warm around my eyes, forcing me to close them. It was like I was being touched by a cloud... Images began to spiral across my mind, slowly at first, but with increasing urgency. Here, the scene of young mother and her baby, bound together with an unstoppable trust, there, a lone lake still untouched by human hands, a scene of a pair dancers spinning under a silver moon, oblivious to everyone but each other, a picture of a young girl presenting her ailing mother with a handful of wild flowers and her mother summoning almost all of her energy to smile back, and everywhere, the sound of laughter, of lullabies, and echoing all around, love, love, love...
Gently, she removed the warmth, and I carefully got to my feet. The visions faded, and for the first time in years, I smiled as I watched her fade away into nothing but a sweet, serenading song, and all too soon, that too was gone. Once more I looked out across the sapphire waves, into the setting sun, brimming with the confidence that comes from knowing that things will get better. She loved this world, and so do I. It was time for me to go save it...
I found this song almost six months after I wrote this, but it fits this so well I'm going to stick it here anyway! https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5TTPPXtsd4A
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125,004 Literary Works • 672,792 Reviews
The story as a whole was very in-depth and a very intriguing read. I couldn't look away the entire time I was reading.
Although I loved the piece, I do have an negative opinion about it. The title, though very captivating and beautiful, I do not see it as a title for a short story. The name seems more for a poem. It is a description and not an actual name, which is what I think a story's title should be.
But other than the title, I loved the piece and the different ways you described. I was a very fufilling 15 mins of my life haha.
Keep up the fantastic writing.
Thank you for the compliments, and I assure you, I thoroughly intend to! ^v^
This is a very well constructed opening sentence. I love the soothing, calming visual it lays, but also the rough, edgy feeling that the end says. It's concise, yet very intriguing. This is a great sentence overall.
"military-grade" makes me think this character is part of the army. I would personally cut that out and leave it at "large boots". The amount of tiny details you go into here is very powerful. I like the close-up description a lot. However, sand doesn't really "fall" off the bottom of a shoe, "crumble" would be more adequate.
So it seems like this narrator is impatient, but for what I wonder. What is an impatient, rough kind of character doing at a beach?
I really like this paragraph. There's a lot of truth in it, and it adds quite a bit to the like-ability of the narrator.
The sudden shift in mood is very well done, although I'm not a huge fan of using bold to do so - it's a replacement for strong writing, which you're more than capable of. Also, use italicization instead of capitalization to portray yelling. I think this could work without the use of bold.
This is amazing for just your second story. The emotion is very strong, and the writing itself is excellent. Stylistically it could be better. Watch how many ellipses you use, don't use bold and capitalization to portray shouting. It's a very intelligent story, and it shows that you are a very skilled writer. Hope to read more from you x_x
Thank you for the compliments, and as for the bold and italics, my tablet glitched out and when I decided that I did not want the italics and bold, it did not let me remove it. Thank you for the advice, and have an excellent week!
I really like the title because it grabbed my attention and for your sake thats good. I Iike the plot and how it all coincides together with the title. The way you described what has happened to earth makes me think of a book called shatter me. Overall it was good. Keep writing.
P.s. My cat was fighting me while I was typing this she wanted her opinion posted to lol.
Hi there, chhlovebooks! RagingLive here to review your short story!!
First off, I think that you have great imagination and a real gift when it comes to portraying harsh feelings. However, there are a few things that need to be improved!
I thought that your title was catchy and very beautiful, but I think that you might want to capitalize every word. This will make it easier to read and understand as a title as well as make it seem more professional!
Here we're just missing a comma:
"I strain my ears,"
This part of the sentence seems a little cluttered and confusing. What if we did something like this to clear it up:
"rippling in an endless song full of hope and
her charactersticnever-ending joy."I think that you meant to put a new line here and start a new paragraph. To do this, just backspace to the ellipses and hit the 'Enter' key. I think you will find that it will help your readers' comprehension better if they can read it easier.
This phrase doesn't seem to fit with the dramatic and more cultured feel that comes across during this story. Maybe if we rephrased it to sound more professional:
"But no such luck besets upon me."
Spoken dialogue needs to be on a line all its own, so you're going to want to make this into a new paragraph. Also, I would strike the ellipses at the beginning since there are so many in the sentences following.
I would break this into two sentences, like so:
"I waited here, I followed through on my promise to listen, no matter what, and you still haven't answered! Why should I carry on like this?"
When I got to the end, all I could muster was a 'Wow.' You have a wonderful talent in writing, but I want to warn you for some things. You have a lot of run on sentences as well as some that are just too long. Maybe slow down and revise while you're writing to avoid this sort of thing. Also, remember to break things into paragraphs to make it easier to read.
I, like the others, think that expanding this would be a great idea!
So keep writing and keep on smiling!!
~RagingLive
P.S.
Don't worry about all of the coding. I didn't get most of it figured out until just recently and I've been on here for almost a year!!
Thank you sooo much!! I am glad you are fond of my writing and thank you for pointing out my errors. Run on sentences seem to be a common complaint in my writing. I thank you for your vote on whether or not to expand. If I get three more votes saying I should I will do so, no matter how long it shall take me, or how long i shall have to sit at my computer, failing miserably at tying! ^\/^
Hi! Welcome to YWS!!
I look forward to reading more of your work and seeing you around the site!!
It takes a little while to get used to formatting stories here. Two things that might help when you post your next story:
1. Try to post the story as normal as possible. You can add underlined but doing [ u]words[ /u] (take out the spaces). The same is true for italics (use the letter i), and for bold (use the letter b).
2. Sometimes hitting "enter" works to put spacing between your paragraphs, but if it doesn't work the way you want it to, hitting "shift, enter" works well, too.
Here is some more info on that stuff
Now on to the good stuff!
You're a really good writer. I really enjoyed reading this!! (You're 14?!)
There was so much emotion here. I could feel the pain of the narrator and I understood (his?) pain. That can be really hard to convey in writing. And your descriptions are so on point. Beautiful use of language and style. Everything flowed so nicely and it was really a joy to read because it was so rich and emotive.
The only thing I would add in terms of description is some specifics. I know we're on a beach, but that's about all I know in terms of where we are. I'd like a little more information about this lost girl and our narrator. You allude to what happened to her, but I'd like it to be a little more clear. And I'd like a little more about their relationship. Did they work together? Were they in love? Are they just friends?
The other thing I would think about doing is expanding this. I don't know enough to have much of an opinion on whether or not it could be a full novel, but I think you could definitely do a novella or a multi-part short story. The circumstances here are really interesting and I would be interested to learn more about the characters and what happened here!
This is my 450th review (yay two blue stars!!) and I apologize because it's sort of a lame review, but you're doing so many things well!
Let me know if you have any questions or if anything I said was confusing!
Thank you very much for the tips, and the compliments! I think I might be able to expand this but only if I get a few more requests to do so. I love writing however, so I will certainly keep this in mind. This was actually a relatively good review so no worries! Thanks again and have an awsome day!
Hello chhlovebooks! I am here to review your short story.
Overall, I like it, and I like the premise of it too. However, I think there are just a few minor things you might want to go over, as with everyone.
So, throughout the story, I noticed a few sentences here and there where I didn't feel they flowed right. Maybe even changing one word would make it better. Here are a couple of examples:
"I stand at the ocean's edge, drinking in the beautiful red-orange glow of the sun upon the cold waters, but I am not here for the view." Where you say "drinking in the beautiful red-orange glow", for some reason "drinking" just doesn't sit with me well. Maybe use "taking in", "absorbing", or something like that. Maybe it's just me with this opinion, but it's just my suggestion.
Another sentence that I am just confused about is, "Alas, my prayers go unanswered and all too soon the voice of my beloved echoes from somewhere beyond my reach, rippling in an endless song full of hope and her characteristic never-ending joy." I'm just saying from a realistic standpoint, how would the main character even know that the voice of their beloved is even echoing, since it is beyond their reach? Especially when it says "and all too soon,", I feel like that conflicts with what is said later in the sentence, about the voice being beyond the characters reach, so there is no way the main character would know when it echoed. This probably got complicated and I think it's okay to keep that sentence the way it is, just my crazy opinion.
In this sentence, "I try to distract myself from the aching in my heart, try not to think about all the horrible moments that came into being, it seems, just to rip apart everything and everyone I know until the world becomes nothing more than a bloody and broken fragment of what it used to be, but to no avail." I feel like that this is a long sentence, maybe break it into two? I'd say place the period between being and it seems. So it would be "the horrible moments that came into being. It almost seems they came just to rip apart....." You get the picture.
One more thing, you describe things very well....almost too much at times. I feel there are a few places where there are some unnecessary adjectives, but that again is personal preference.
There are more sentences in the story that I may change, but I think that's only because of personal preference, not because anything is necessarily wrong with them or anything. Again, there are a few words that I think may not exactly fit, so maybe take a look at that. As always, read your story out loud to see if it flows smoothly, and to see if you might want to delete/add punctuation. Overall, I liked this story a lot, your descriptions were great, and I like your idea of the "end of the world"! Good job, and keep writing!
Greetings ladies and gentlemen, this is my second story, so please, feel free to criticize at will. Please forgive me for the sudden italics and bolding half way through, I tried to add emphasis on one part, but then it wouldn't stop! Also, i tried to get a paragraph format going but it failed.....so bad..... XD Either way, enjoy!