Fake nails, expensive clothes, pretty hair and perfect skin. I am what everyone wants. I am what everyone craves. They all want to be seen with me, to be friends with me. To mean something to me.
But they don't know anything about me. They don't know that I turned my back on myself years ago. Turned away from the geekiness, the general geniusness that wore the frumpy sweaters and the sphere of boring around her. I was forgettable, so I forgot about myself. Whose to say I won't just forget about them?
They fall in love with me; men, women, children and parents. They make it so easy. I tell them what they want to hear, what they think they want to hear. That's all I ever do. Enchanting looks and a few careful words and the world is eating out of your hand.
I throw money at any problem, god knows I have it to spare.
Who really needs me?
Who do I really need?
I'm just another pretty face in the crowd. Just another that life comes easy to, that they can blame and envy for their short comings. They can blame all they want, the truth is they all still fall for me. One by one they come calling, some begging.
They fall in love with me and I don't really care. Maybe I want someone to not be in love. Maybe I want someone that's different.
Would that make me happy? I can't say for certain.
So why is it that when he told me that he didn't fall for me. That he wasn't in love. Why did I feel so disappointed?
Why did I cry when he was gone?
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140,159 Literary Works • 673,032 Reviews
I loved this, carmenbluestar. I absolutely loved this.
This definitely describes a life of a geeky/popular girl. I absolutely loved it. This is the best short story ever, and I only have a few nitpicks. As all people do, anything associated with God like "Him" or "He", should be capitalized. It is incorrect, technically, for it to not be. And, in the second-to-last paragraph, the period after "me" isn't needed. Just replace it with a dash, and add on a dash after "love". That's all I have to say, though. It was beautiful.
Why thank you for that kind praise!
Hey carmenbluestar! Writer here to give a review and save the green room, because sad pandas aren't fun to look at.
Anywho, onto the review itself!
I really liked this opener. It's kind of cool. I just want to mention that there's a little bit of redundancy here. "be" is used a lot, and I understand the purpose of repetition here is show the importance of this person, so it's not a serious issue. But it is a slight problem I thought I'd point out. Also, the last line "to be important, to me." I'm not sure, but I think you meant to say "To be important... to be me." (ellipses for dramatic build up
This section was really confusing. So this girl is basically "perfect" but she was actually a really smart nerd person? Let me interpret this properly: this sections is talking about the girl's past, correct? I just think the transition was a little unclear, and there's a small gap that needs to be bridged and little stronger. Also, "geekyness" should be "geekiness" wait, that's not even word xD I would try to reword it so you have real words in your literary work
Lack of punctuation here. Should have a colon instead of a comma after "me".
The first sentence is a little choppy, because the grammar isn't correct, and the punctuation is either incorrect or not there. It's just a matter of reading it aloud and correcting it
Wow, this was kind of sad :S Makes me think of society and how it says perfect girls are real people, and what we should all be. When, in reality, those girls are the emptiest :/ Kind of a disappointment that a lot of us believe those false statements. I think you did a good job of that there. I do think you should be a little more descriptive and enhance your word choice so there aren't any made up words
I hope you did find this helpful. I would be more in depth, but I have to get off the computer now xD Please ask me if you have any questions regarding the review!
~Writer
thank you very much edits will be on the way
***Good job!
I really liked it -probably most of all, for the truth it held. I also liked how you reflected on their geeky past. Maybe draw this out more? Hmm...
-"I was forgettable, so I forgot about myself" Great line ^-^
-"I'm just another pretty face in the crowd." Aha! The character tried to become someone else; someone others wouldn't forget, but they still feel as if their "just another face." Oh the irony XD
Warning: There is a lot to follow. Please read it! And don't grow weary!***
Now... the little issues. (You have a few minor mistakes here and there):
-"pretty hair and perfect skin."
*There should be a comma between "hair" and "and"
-"They all want to be seen with me, to be friends with me."
*I believe should be... "They all want me; to be friends with me."
-"To be important, to me."
*The comma's not necessary. You can either take it out or change it to "To be important. To me." I'd go with the previous though ^-^
-"They fall in love with me, men, women, children and parents."
*"They fall in love with me; men, women, children, and parents."
-"I tell them what they want to hear, what they think they want to hear."
*I tell them what they want to hear; what they think they want to hear" or "...what they want to hear -what they think they want to hear." (Maybe italicize "what"?)
-"Enchanting looks and a few careful words and the world is eating out of your hand."
* I think you should insert comma between "words" and "and"
-"problems, god"
*"problems; God"
-"They can blame all they want, the truth is they all still fall for me."
*"They can blame all they want. The truth is, they all still fall for me."
-"One by one they come calling, some begging."
*"One by one, they come calling; some begging."
"So why is it when he told me that he didn't fall for me, that he wasn't in love. Why did I feel so disappointed?"
*Maybe... "So why is it when he told me that he didn't fall for; that he wasn't in love... Why did I feel so disappointed?" or "So why did I feel so disappointed when he told me that he didn't fall for me; that he wasn't in love?"
***I'm sure I missed a few things here and there, but grammar seems to be your big issue. It's really not as bad as the corrections make it look. You just need to master the use of the comma and semicolon for the most part***
A few suggestions (Only suggestions! None have to be done):
- Change "They don't know anything about me." to "But they don't know anything about me." (This creates transition.)
-"So whose to say I won't just forget about them?" How about "Whose to say I won't forget about them too?" ? Or if you want to keep it closer to the original, drop "So"
-"They are so easy." Hmm... "They make it so easy." (?) "It's so easy." (?)
-"That's all I ever do." Maybe "It's all I ever do." ? I don't think you have to change it, but it might help with the flow.
-"I throw money at the problems" ... "I throw money at my problems" (?) "I throw money at problems" (?)
-"They can blame all they want" Hmm... "Let them blame" (?) I'm not sure...
-Use "They all" a little less. Perhaps drop "all" a few times? Or find a way to not use "they all" a few times?
***That's all I have. Keep writing please! You definitely have potential.***
thank you for the review I'll be editing soon
This is totally amazing. I loved the beginning, where you mentioned the fake nails, expensive clothes, etc. it was a great hook. You are one good of a writer yourself.
why thank you!!
You are welcome. Keep up the great work!
This is totally amazing. I loved the
This is... amazing.
I don't even have anything else to say about this. I've been in this position before. To be someone you aren't. Luckily, I came out of it. This is an amazing translation of those feelings... I can't put it into any more words. An amazing piece. An amazing author.
aww thank you
No need to thank me for telling the truth.