<
The coin
Part 1 of 2.
A brisk wind was blowing, whipping the trees into a frenzy of waving branches which cast deepening shadows on the road. Two horses trotted side by side, working to pull a small carriage. Inside, a woman clutched a blanket tightly around her shoulders, trying to keep out the invasive cold that was spreading through the open window of the carriage. Darkness was coming on fast, and the road was long, with nary a sign of civilization. On top of the carriage, the lady’s husband was driving the horses. The sun had long gone down past the rim of the horizon and there was a storm brewing. The leaves beneath the carriage wheels made dry, crackling sounds, a repeating rhythm that started to lull the lady to sleep.
Suddenly, she saw it. A light, which was coming from not far down the road. She sat up drowsily to look out of the window, noticing with delight that it was coming from a window. With luck it would be a farmhouse, where they might pay for room and board. She shouted, calling to her husband. He tightened the reins, causing the horses to slow to a tired walk. He peered out in the direction she pointed too, but he could see nothing. He blinked again and there it was, clearly defined against the night. He slowed the horses and lighted a lantern. Illuminated in its light was clearly a farmhouse, with its crudely constructed split log fences, a barn and a small house, from which the light was coming. It looked so inviting that the husband got down from the carriage, and opened the gate. It was well oiled, and it didn’t squeak at all. He noticed footprints on the dusty path and smiled. Judging by the freshness of the prints, the farmer was very busy. He called out loudly, waiting for someone to answer. Sure enough, the door of the house opened, and a little wizened old man stuck his head out. When he saw the man standing by the gate, he smiled. Unhooking a lantern from inside the door, he came out to meet the man quickly.
“Excuse me sir, but my wife and I are traveling. We find ourselves in need of a place to sleep for the night, and we are willing to pay for room and board.”
The man nodded his head and looked around the man to see the carriage.
“No payment is necessary; really, it would be wonderful to have you. Why don’t you let your wife come inside, and I’ll introduce her to my missus. Meanwhile, you can keep your horses in my barn.”
They did as they were bidden, and soon the lady was in a deep conversation with her hostess. The elderly couple were quite welcoming, and when the men returned from the stables, the two women were still in deep conversation, while lifting pots onto the table. The continued the conversation all through dinner and the men joined in as well.
“So, how come you to be out here so late at night?”
The hostess asked with a smile. The lady answered her quickly.
“We were going to visit my sister, who lives down the road about five miles away. Our carriage lost a wheel, and we were unavoidably detained this afternoon. Thus we were still on the road when darkness fell."
“Ah, tis lucky though, for we seldom have visitors now.”
“We thank you for your help, I don’t know what we would have done if you weren’t here with all your hospitality."
Their friendly banter continued for a long time into the night, for their kind hosts had many things to talk about. When they finally excused themselves and trudged up to the proffered bedroom, it was well past midnight.
The lady woke in the middle of the night, sweating and shaking. She was suddenly full of fear, her pulse rocketing, though she couldn’t seem to remember why. Her husband was still sleeping soundly beside her, and everything seemed normal. She took several deep breaths and lay back down. She stayed awake for almost two hours, listening to the ticking of the large old grandfather clock in the living room, and breathing in the faitn yet distinct smell of smoke.
In the morning the couple woke up to a silent house. Realizing that it was very early, they dressed quietly and tiptoed out of their room, into the hall and down to the kitchen. Their hostess had done the dishes of the night before, leaving a sparkling kitchen behind. The man dug in his pocket for a coin, leaving it on the table for the couple to find when they woke up. Then they got the carriage and saddled the horses, and set off.
_________________
Soo..... I want to improve it, but I'm not sure how. I like the ending though......... Help anyone?
Pleased to meet YOU!! (Again) 
Thanks you for the review, It was definitely helpful.
I haven't actually decided where this is taking place, but it obviously is in the past, so I was thinking that the coin would be worth more than that...... I imagined the couple as being old for the time, but not very decrepid and ancient. 
I guess I'll have to make stuff like that clearer.
So..... Thanks for the review! I'll work on the stuff you mentioned.
A brisk wind was blowing, whipping the trees into a frenzy of waving branches which cast deepening shadows on the road. Two horses trotted side by side, working to pull a small carriage. Inside, a woman clutched a blanket tightly around her shoulders, trying to keep out the invasive cold that was spreading through the open window of the carriage.
Thanks for the review! It was very helpful. About the thirty chapters part, I said this was onely part one of two.... But I guess the same thing would apply.
Thanks again!
author13 wrote:
The lady answered her quickly[s].[/s], [s]W[/s]we were going to visit my sister, who lives down the road about five miles away. Our carriage lost a wheel, and we were unavoidably detained this afternoon. Thus we were still on the road when darkness fell."
I wouldn't trust my judgment on the capitalization though.
Thanks all! Your reviews are very helpful.
Author13: thanks you for taking the time to review this, it was greatly appreciated. As I mentioned before I'm very anxious to improve this piece, and your comments are very helpful.
VampX13: Thanks! I'll keep that in mind.......
Azila: I will! I will also think about what they are wearing.... I haven't quite decided yet.
All: Thanks you soo much for your comments! I really appreciate them.
Well, I think author13 and VampX13 pretty much covered it all. This piece is okay, but the flow needs to be worked on. Right now it feels a little--dry. There's a lot of beautiful detail about the surroundings, but hardly any emotion or anything that would help us relate with your characters. Even if you don't tell us their names, you should tell us their emotions and looks... The whole time I was wondering what the characters looked like and how they were dressed. You should definitely elaborate on that.
Other than the little flow problems author13 pointed out, there are also some typos, but you can find them if you invest a little time in a thorough read-through. 
I hope this helps! Please PM me when you post part 2.
~Azila~
Work more on your flow.
Don't pay too much attention to detail. Specifying how long the lady stayed awake for seems awkward considering the way you write. Something more appropiate would be to remain vague and instead use a poetic description to allow the reader to feel the time passing.
Don't jump to the fact that the couple had been asleep for awhile, decribe what it was like to fall asleep in the lodging: what it felt like, sounded like, smelt like... etc. Also watch out for anything that sounds too modern. For example say the dishes had been washed instead of the dishes being done. Do not worry too much about this for conversation.
Very solid effort, though. I'm curious as to where your plot is headed.
First comment! Don't rely on what I say too much when it comes to grammar and things like that. Word flow and awkwardness I am very good at though.
This part seems slightly awkward, maybe trying "Through the carriage's open window"?through the open window of the carriage
nary
On top of the carriage,
The sun had long gone down past the rim of the horizon and there was a storm brewing. The leaves beneath the carriage wheels made dry, crackling sounds, a repeating rhythm that started to lull the lady to sleep.
Suddenly, she saw it
The comma just seems awkward there, perhaps replacing it with a hyphen?A light, which was coming from not far down the road
She sat up drowsily to look out of the window, noticing with delight that it was coming from a window.
He peered out in the direction she pointed too, but he could see nothing. He blinked again and there it was, clearly defined against the night
I think you mean "lit"He slowed the horses and lighted a lantern.
Illuminated in its light was clearly a farmhouse, with its crudely constructed split log fences, a barn and a small house, from which the light was coming. It looked so inviting that the husband got down from the carriage, and opened the gate. It was well oiled, and it didn’t squeak at all. He noticed footprints on the dusty path and smiled. Judging by the freshness of the prints, the farmer was very busy. He called out loudly, waiting for someone to answer. Sure enough, the door of the house opened, and a little wizened old man stuck his head out. When he saw the man standing by the gate, he smiled. Unhooking a lantern from inside the door, he came out to meet the man quickly.
No payment is necessary; really, it would be wonderful to have you. Why don’t you let your wife come inside, and I’ll introduce her to my missus.
“So, how come you to be out here so late at night?” The hostess asked with a smile.
The lady answered her quickly[s].[/s], [s]W[/s]we were going to visit my sister, who lives down the road about five miles away. Our carriage lost a wheel, and we were unavoidably detained this afternoon. Thus we were still on the road when darkness fell."
“Ah, tis lucky though, for we seldom have visitors now.”
weren’t here with [s]all[/s] your hospitality."
[s]for a [/s]long [s]time [/s]into the night,that's...very bad word usage as is follow the slashes. [s]for[/s] their kind hosts had many things to talk about.
The lady woke in the middle of the night, sweating and shaking.
awake for almost two hours
In the morning the couple woke up to a silent house. Realizing that it was very early, they dressed quietly and tiptoed out of their room, into the hall and down to the kitchen. Their hostess had done the dishes of the night before, leaving a sparkling kitchen behind. The man dug in his pocket for a coin, leaving it on the table for the couple to find when they woke up. Then they got the carriage and saddled the horses, and set off.
120,142 Literary Works • 648,798 Reviews
Points: 7715
Reviews: 522
Donate