you told me about her
she was all you talked about
so why didn’t i say what i was thinking
your words contradict my thoughts
you told me my lips were soft and my kisses addicting
i guess withdrawal isn’t as bad as they say it is
or maybe i am withdrawal
she was ripped from your life
the one thing that meant anything to you.
i brought you some sense of satisfaction as you craved
but when you're addicted
you become an addict
you pick up habits, ephemeral fixations that relieve you of emptiness
they teach you to stay away and curve your addiction to a healthy habit
i guess that was me
your persuasion became so fanatical that you didn’t realize you were sucking me in
now i'm addicted; when you become addicted,
you become an addict
and now, we are part of the perpetual cycle
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
125,018 Literary Works • 672,857 Reviews
Hey, bridgetavc. Margo here for a review. When I read this poem I think of a friend needing advice about a relationship. The poem seems to be written from the point of view of the individual giving the advice. I get the impression this individual is in love with their friend's lover--something about the line 'so why didn't i say what i was thinking?'
The personal pronouns are a little confusing. You start off using 'you', then 'I.' At first, I think 'you' are a friend giving another friend advice--or perhaps just listening--about your friend's relationship. Then I think, 'is this about your relationship or your friend's?' This needs to be more clear.
Example
I think what you're trying to get at is that your boyfriend continues to talk about another girl, but still claims he loves you.
Try this for clarity:
He told me about another girl--
a girl who wasn't me.
She was all he talked about.
Why didn't I say what I was thinking?
I hated this girl--whoever she was.
He still says he loves me.
But his words contradict my thoughts.
He told me my lips were soft; my kisses his addiction...
If this is true, I want him on withdrawl.
I am withdrawl.
Don't mind the capitalization and punctuation--that's just my style. Keep your own style. Just edit for clarity. The use of 'he' makes it clear that you are in a relationship with a man who is talking about another girl. You're jelous and frustrated and you don't understand why he keeps talking about someone else, while he claims to still love you. You want to withdraw from him so he'll want you even more. He says he's addicted to you. If this is true, he'll go crazy without you.
It took me a while to figure this out. Make it more clear. You don't have to spit it in the reader's face, just keep the writing concise and meaningful. You want your writing to hit home. Use fewer words and better words. Ask yourself: "what is the purpose of this line?" If I removed this line, would it affect the poem in anyway?
Ephemeral is a great word. You have a good base line start here. Continue to write and edit. A good work is never done. Hope I helped.
--MS
The piece as is, is currently about being in a relationship with a brokenhearted person. He claimed to have been over his ex but continued to talk about her; she [his ex] is the addiction mentioned in the piece. The boy can't stop thinking of her and tries to replace the addictive girl (his ex) with the new girl whom's voice is the poem. When she falls for this boy, his ex comes back (resupplying the addiction). In a sense it's about broken hearts becoming a cycle; the boy gets the love of his life back and the girl is left brokenhearted to repeat the cycle. The poem in a sense never ends. Sorry for the confusing explanation.
I absolutely loved this! Your writing is so addictive, (no pun intended.)
My interpretation of this is that the narrator was friends with a guy. This guy was in a relationship, but they broke up. The narrator was the "rebound girl." This might not be what you intended, but this really spoke through to me.
The way you phrased some of your stanzas was perfect. I especially liked:
you told me my lips were soft and my kisses addicting/i guess withdrawal isn’t as bad as they say it is/or maybe i am withdrawal
These lines just seemed especially perfect to me.
The one thing I would say to watch is capitalizing your I's. But thats not really that much of a big deal.
But overall I loved it! Great Job, and I can't wait to see what else you write!
Happy Writing!
<3
Thank you so much for the review! I really appreciate you feed back along with hearing your perspective on the piece (which was close to spot on by the way). I purposefully did not capitalize the "I"'s in the piece to add the protagonist's sense of carelessness into the piece. Thank you again!