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This silence is scary

by ayushinav


This night is a fairy.

To every sleepless wasp, she replies

in her old narcotics.

Lifting me so high

until her spells bound me sleeping.

I know she would stay

until she spreads her wings.

...

and sheds her glitter twinkling

Does she want to play?

When with atropine, in my mind, she begins creeping.

I crave for her addiction, I cry.

When she begins her dramatics

and in a blink, she flies.

The night sleeping in silence is never so scary.


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13 Reviews


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Sat Sep 15, 2018 2:22 pm
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GreyMatter wrote a review...



Hello Abhinav, I'm here to review.
Your poem, as per my understanding, describes the fancies of a tired mind, eager to fall asleep. I like the context of the poem. You have been successful in creating a dramatic piece out of a few lines. The length of this poem is definitely a plus.
Now let us see what could have been better. There are a few word choices that strike as odd and tend to disrupt the flow of your poem. 'Every' could be replaced with 'each' or 'all' in line 2.
Lines 4 and 5 could use a rework. The word 'bound' especially feels odd. It gives the impression that the tense is fluctuating, which is probably the case.
The second paragraph starts with a lowercase letter, which I found interesting. I think the whole poem could be in a single paragraph with clever capitalization to cause the effect you desire.
Overall, I like your poem and even more, your thinking behind the same.
Best wishes and looking forward to reading more from you!




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Sat Sep 08, 2018 4:28 am
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alliyah wrote a review...



Hi there, thought I'd leave a review on your poem here.

So first off I liked how the piece is actually dramatic, edgy, and kind of scary in it's content - like I'm pretty sure it's about the speaker getting high on drugs and sort of having some high visions. But at the same time, there's some comfort described. There's whimsy and peace and playfulness. That contrast is really interesting and unexpected.

I'd lightly suggest that maybe you want to rate this poem a little higher in the content ratings, because it does seem to be about drug use and addiction which can be a heavier topic than some young children or even people struggling with addictions may be comfortable with - and a content rating just gives a little warning of what's ahead.

That being said, here's some things I didn't understand. The personification of this fairy/wasp/addiction didn't seem completely cohesive. I didn't quite get whether it was a vision or the drug itself. The last line "The night sleeping in silence is never so scary" is a bit odd for phrasing, because it makes it sound like the night is the one doing the sleeping?

I think that this could just use another read through for clarity.

One think I'd encourage you to do, is maybe go a bit more crazy with the punctuation, italics, and capitalization. Don't be afraid to make parts of the poem really strange to heighten up the contrast and drama of what your describing. I don't know if you've had a chance to read any of @Wriskypump's work. But he deals with a lot of experimental spiritual poetry, that I think would be good for you to read if you're interested in that sort of experimental genre.

I do like that you gave the name of the drug, but I think you could give more contextual clues to it's use and physical effects within the poem itself to give readers more context from which to understand the poem.

Overall, I enjoyed this piece - it was something different, and certainly evoked an uncomfortable feeling in myself. Keep writing, I look forward to reading more poetry from you.

~alliyah

Image




ayushinav says...


Thanx Alliyah for reviewing this work.
So I actually wrote the poem keeping in mind the kind of relaxation the night provides. If you've gone through some really tiring and exhaustive days (when things just go on), you would know the essence of night, the addicting calmness she provides. You don't get to know when things make you crave for the fairy to come and give you ever-addicting peace.
Your heartbeat gets normal(the reference to atropine) and in such a soothing calmness, you just don't realize when the time has flown away(you fall asleep) and when you wake up, you realize it was just a wink.



alliyah says...


Ah - that background is helpful! Sleep is an interesting phenomenon to be sure, and a unique poetic muse. :)



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Sun Sep 02, 2018 12:39 pm
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Ken95 wrote a review...



Hello, Ken here for a quick review.

First of all, I really liked the title of this poem.
Straight to business,

"This night is a fairy.

To every sleepless wasp, she replies

in her old narcotics.

Lifting me so high

until her spells bound me sleeping.

I know she would stay

until she spreads her wings"


The intro was just superb, I can entirely feel it as though you were very connected to this.
I think "Lifting me so high..." should be a beginning of a new line or so. It sounded a bit off from the beginning even though I loved the idea.

Sorry I had to copy paste this here, I did it so it helps me relate to what I'm reviewing.

"and sheds her glitter twinkling

Does she want to play?

When with atropine, in my mind, she begins creeping.

I crave for her addiction, I cry.

When she begins her dramatics

and in a blink, she flies.

The night sleeping in silence is never so scary".

To be frank I enjoyed reading this, the style was unique sort of, you did a great job but the ending is where my concern lies...
It was a bit off or contrary to the title. Correct me if I'm wrong though.

Overall. it was a great piece of work.

Keep writing.




ayushinav says...


Thanx for your review. In the last line, I am talking about the scary silence that I had to face when the fairy flew away.
:)



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Sun Sep 02, 2018 2:03 am
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Dest wrote a review...



Heyyy!

Lifting me so high
until her spells bound me sleeping.


My favorite part!

Nice opening line. I really enjoyed your style of writing. To me, it is very descriptive and a bit whimsical. This poem was only a few lines, but it conveyed a good story. The night was like a fleeting fairy. The first thing that came to my mind, while reading this, was Tinkerbell.

Anyway, definitely keep writing!




ayushinav says...


Thanx for your review! :)



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Sun Sep 02, 2018 1:45 am
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niteowl wrote a review...



Hi ayushinav! Niteowl here to review this lovely poem!

First off, I'm not sure if this is a specific structure, but I like how you incorporated the rhyme scheme reversing from the first to the second stanza. I'm not quite sure what this poem is about...a person? The literal night? Some sort of drug? Nonetheless, it's a beautiful story about an obsessed narrator who falls in love with something fleeting.

I liked the first stanza better than the second. The first line starts off with a strong metaphor and the stanza flows nicely. The second one feels more disjointed and I'm not really sure what's going on. Maybe this is because I'm not familiar with atropine, so I'm not sure what you're trying to convey in that line. According to Wikipedia, it has several uses. Also, it feels strangely scientific in this poem.

Lifting me so high

until her spells bound me sleeping.


I think "bound" should be "bind" here because the poem is in present tense. Otherwise, love this line!

until she spreads her wings.

...

and sheds her glitter twinkling


I don't really like the split up of these lines. Maybe you could have the first stanza end in a period and then the second stanza could start with "She sheds her glitter, twinkling".

Does she want to play?


This doesn't make sense to me, so it feels like a forced attampt to rhyme with "stay". Maybe it just needs some rewording, but I don't have any suggestions.

I crave for her addiction, I cry.


This like feels clunky. I think it's because you can get addicted to something, but wanting someone else's addiction sounds weird. Maybe "I crave her attention, I cry" would make more sense.

Love the last two lines. A beautiful close to the poem.

Overall, I like this interesting structure and storyline. Great job and keep writing! :D




ayushinav says...


Thanx for your review.
Atropine is a drug to increase heartbeat and the italicised lines say the thoughts that come in the narrator's mind (The rest whole is a narration).
Once again ,thanx. :)



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Sun Sep 02, 2018 12:56 am
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HollyM64 says...



This is really good! You're good at creating an atmosphere, even in such a short poem, which is a skill in itself. It has a distinct fairy feel, which makes it a very relaxing read. It's well structured, well written and, overall, a pretty decent poem. Well done!




ayushinav says...


Thanx, I'm kind of living in that sort of atmosphere! XD



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Sat Sep 01, 2018 1:14 pm
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Dani965 says...



This is really good. I like how it compares to a sort of fantasy world





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