z

Young Writers Society


E - Everyone

As if

by ayushinav


It ticks by, so silently.

As the moment crawls towards me.

As if,

as if there wasn't one before,

isn't one after it.

As if the void filling the entire space

wants me to register its absence

of the moments passing by,

of the air stopping by.

...

A bell rings in the dark.

Letting me know it is,

just like the void, it just is.

Perplexed, anxious, sarcastic,

and all I feel is the cold,

the cold in the air stopping by.

Is there a lamp near the bell?

Or am I just hallucinating

because the idea of light seems settling?

As if.

As if the light would spread,

like the ticking moment, it'll come by.

As if it'll finally caress me

and like the void, the warmth will embrace me.

...

But the light stays and the moment passes by, so silently.

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224 Reviews

Points: 32102
Reviews: 224

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Tue Mar 14, 2023 3:47 pm
AmayaStatham wrote a review...



Hi Ayushinav!

I'm very thrilled to leave you a review.
Let's start right away!

I love the start off: "It ticks by, so silently."
It makes me want to read on...

I love the fact that you play with your words. You make ordinary words feel so extraordinary! That is amazing! Your word choice is also very specific and gripping. I could really re-live myself while I was reading this.

I think you've written very well and I love it very much!

It also made me think a lot about a story I've written myself about a lonely woman, Kara. This art really relates to my story. It's called in the elevator.

I would be very grateful if you could read and review my story also.

Does your art piece and my story relate, what do you think?
Do "As if" and "In the elevator" relate to each other?

Hope to hear from you soon!

- Rinisha




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542 Reviews

Points: 41664
Reviews: 542

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Sun Nov 20, 2022 8:20 am
Liminality wrote a review...



Hi there ayushinav! Lim here with a review.

First Impressions

The mood of the poem feels anxious and tense. What stands out to me the most is the sparseness yet effectiveness of the imagery. The poem never seems to settle on a particular image, which reflects the speaker’s doubtful and self-questioning tone, especially in lines like “Is there a lamp near the bell? / Or am I just hallucinating / because the idea of light seems settling?”.

Subject, Themes, Interpretation

I find it a bit hard to read a concrete / obvious theme into this piece, but there’s definitely undercurrents of something there. In the end, I interpret this poem as being about uncertainty and a foiled hope. Time is described as ‘crawling’ towards the speaker and then leaving silently in the end, without the speaker reaching the light that they thought they saw. It seems to be purposefully vague in that way, such that it could be applied to a lot of different situations (and appeal to many different types of reader).

Structure

I like how the repetition of “as if” is done. It’s very regular, similar to the ticking of a clock, so there is a match between the structure and the language/content of the poem. To me it conveys the speaker’s tone, as they seem to doubt whether or not what they are perceiving is real.
I also enjoyed the occasional rhyming, such as in:

Or am I just hallucinating
because the idea of light seems settling?

The rhymes helped to give a sense of unity to the different parts of the poem, which I think is important for free verse. Them being the same kind of rhyme (rhymes at the end of a line and in couplets) helped with that as well.

Imagery

As said before, I enjoyed this poem’s unique take on imagery. I found myself imagining a kind of empty space, where the light flickers on and off, even though that isn’t what is literally described in the poem. My favourite stanza was the second one, where the images of the bell and the supposed light come in.

If I had one critique about the imagery, I think it would be this image and its repetitions: “the cold in the air stopping by”. I couldn’t quite imagine it as a personification – air as a person “stopping by” a place. I also couldn’t find another way to interpret air “stopping by”, because I guess I just associate that phrase so much with one kind of action. I think the phrase might be there to contrast the “warmth” that the speaker desires, which would make sense for the atmosphere, though I do still wonder if there is another word choice that could be used there that would be a little more intuitive (especially since the poem as a whole is already combining a bunch of unexpected things, like bells, clocks and lights).

Continuity

I really appreciate the consistency of the writing throughout the poem. I think that consistency makes this piece very immersive, for example, the repetition of the word “silently” to finish the poem (the same word from the end of the first line) makes it feel like a fitting and ‘satisfying’ ending to read, even though the speaker’s desires are not satisfied. I also just noticed that words like “void” are also repeated towards the end there, which is also neat.

Overall

Overall, I found this to be an elegantly constructed poem and certainly lyrical! I enjoyed the horror vibes it gave, as well as the sense of a mystery to be figured out. It’s definitely a memorable one.

Hope this review helps, and feel free to ask for more feedback!
-Lim




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42 Reviews

Points: 12
Reviews: 42

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Thu Nov 03, 2022 11:11 pm
EsmerayaRose wrote a review...



Hello!


Rose is here to leave a review.....



I hope you are having a great day/night✨



So I want to say that I love the use of imagery here. I felt like I was trapped in a void just waiting for the darkness to consume me whole.

"As if the void filling the entire space

wants me to register its absence

of the moments passing by,

of the air stopping by."

I loved these lines they hold so much meaning behind them. I loved "wants me to register its absence" To be honest I couldn't find anything wrong with this piece.

It was beautifully written and the emotions that were expressed through this hits hard.




ayushinav says...


Hello Rose,
Thanks for your comments. I am glad you liked it, and you could feel the emotions...




A diamond is merely a lump of coal that did well under pressure.
— Unknown