The sun smiled upon me,
with the earth dancing beneath my tiny footsteps.
My feet, ha, they could barely support me.
Still through the young air, I heard thundering claps
only meant for me?
Shielding me against every ghost ferocious,
they made me realize that my heart was the most precious.
..
My teeth whitened and glistened and shined.
Such was their glory that every place seemed
so bright that no one seemed blind,
and it makes me wonder, “why they beamed
at my every sight?”
Reflecting my conceit to the highest,
they made me realize that my heart shone the brightest.
..
Dreams shuddered in the eyes equitable
when I, mistakenly, grew taller than them,
Pearls of tear explored grave in their cradle
as they took in the most estranged anthem
of happiness? ha, of success!
Against my every wish, they seemed to launch an FIR
as they made me realize that my heart had the highest TIR.
..
Under the shadows of light,
I rubbed my sweat against every tick-tock,
of work, of patience within my plight.
In their every talks, I now desire to mock,
“Why they made me a friend in their greed?”
Adulating my efficiency with the words emptiest.
they made me realize that my heart would cost the highest.
..
It was high time, I finally knew
the rising altercations can burn into me
and melt my heart never so new.
I planted the seed of cold, without a plea
deep in my heart!
With a diamond throbbing within my chest, I know now to the fullest,
Why hearts are actually the hardest?
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125,005 Literary Works • 672,798 Reviews
I gotta say, I had to read it twice to understand what was going on here, and I'm still not sure. Perhaps my problem, perhaps both of ours. Why don't you use the genre classification when you can put it in two?
Narrator has perhaps grown up a bit. The usual.
But then again, this one does have a broad scope. Just remember that if you want to send down the user along a certain lane of thinking, those really help the reader.
Alright now to the meat of it. I've been following your works, and this is grappling with more complex themes than usual, I would say. Or rather in a more complex way. This is mostly written in consistent a-b-a-b-a/d-c-c seven line stanzas. Well done, imo . Something I've never achieved in my own fledgling poetry.
I'll go in a paragraph-wise manner.
1. I get the impression of a the author as a kid feeling nature as a benevolent entity, all the parts making the kid happier about his 'heart'. Simply written, this one, feels fresh. One small issue is the triple usage of the word "me" for rhyming. This didn't bug me further as it didn't happen later. However we have the dozens of rhyming words available with a single google search if needed. Not saying that you don't know, but I didn't use that initially.
2. This reminded me of All might, the anime hero , just because of the shining teeth and glory for the narrator
3. The same people aren't cheering on as you move above and beyond them? Some of the phrasing is awkward (or never seen before for me). " Pearls of tear explored grave in the cradle" " as they took in the anthem" . These sentences were jarring because they're hard to decipher and they go jarringly against the general tone of the poem until this point, which had been simple and concise. What does taking in an anthem mean? tears exploring in cradles? a bit cryptic, but that's just my view. I'd suggest you place clarity over a consistent rhyme scheme.
4.More awkward phrasing-
"Under shadows of light" could be " under the shadows and under light", would also keep in with the longer sentences later on in the para. (Unless you're going for some deeper meaning which I couldn't grasp)
"In their every talks" could be "Their every talk, I now desire to mock ", less awkward.
you went right with "I rubbed my sweat against every tick-tock," and the last two lines. Nearly flawlessly written. ( could be made more consistent with other lines in length by linking them like
" When they praised my efficiency emptily,
I realized that my heart would cost heavily" or something along those lines.
5. This one was great, esp. lines 1-5. nice use of imagery. (If you're really trying to rhyme chest and hardest try something like
"the diamond constantly throbbing in my chest,
reminds me why hearts are actually the hardest".
I'm no expert poet, but simple ideas simple in execution and wide and deep in scope and what the reader can read and add, are the toughest to write and great to read.
Overall, great continuity in ideas, and good job on the rhyme scheme.
Wow, I enjoyed reading the review more than this poem. Thanx for diving so deep into it.
1. I actually planned the rhyming scheme as a-b-a-b-c-d-d but it went wrong in this para and it actually did not occur to me that I had used me for rhyming. I was framing lines and it unknowingly went this way. Great that you pointed that out.
3. "Pearls of tears explored grave in their cradle". Well, it kind of describes the situation when pain dies in the place where it is born, sometimes tears don't flow out of the eyes.
The 'anthem' is the anthem of success that people chant to us, that according to them is the path to happiness. eg. the career options and counselling done to the kids.
4. I tried using oxymoron in "the shadows of light" but I find your line is a good one too.
I like the suggestion on "When they... emptily, \n I realized... heavily."
5. This suggestion is really wonderful, in fact, the best one.
Once again, thanx foe such a review.
Hey, Ayushinav!
Oh my God!! Amazing poem. The rhyme schemes were great. I enjoyed the read.
I like the tone of the speaker in this poem. The lines above gave me instant happiness in reading it. Well, it made me imagine as if I was floatin'
Much appreciated the existence, it is indeed very clever of one to think them they're gifted for their existence and feel special.
Life becomes awesome when it is appreciated in every single way. Woohoo, that's a good message I get from your poem.
It is really optimistic, especially this line,
Shielding me against every ghost ferocious,
they made me realize that my heart was the most precious
Mostly people imply a complaining tone here, but you've established the theme in unique way.
If one is tried to attack we usually frighten and look feeble, you made the speaker look special. That's remarkable
Oooh, I liked this para much. Good metaphors injected here. These lines moved me, I felt the pain. It was well engraved here.
I was totally in the speaker's shoes, man, it was so well written that it makes me drown in it.
simply, WOW. The plight of the speaker was pathetic and the question asked held the grasp of the theme. It highlighted the plight intensely.
Deep sight, boy, am speechless. The feel is painted with strong words, the line the rising altercations can burn into me
and melt my heart never so new is still getting me...
Oh my goodness, the end the relation you've given to heart and the diamond was astonishing. Why hearts are actually the hardest? Yeah, am, so true. When pain strikes us hard all over again and again. it becomes rigid.
So amazingly established the concept. This was a unique lament I've ever read. I loved the tone, metaphors, imagination, expression, etc.,all so strong as a diamond and mine was melted reading it.
I got goosebumps then and there. You're blessed with much potential.
great work! Keep up the awesome writing.
Looking forward for more of your works.
Thanx
AnimalQueen here!
I like your poem! Especially the first stanza, I really like it when poems talk about nature.
The second line, however, I think would be fine without the mention of the main character's teeth.
And in the fifth line of the fourth paragraph,
"Why they made me a friend in their greed?"
I think should be:
"Why would they make me a friend in their greed?"
Overall, I like the message of the poem. It really is incredibly easy to become prideful. Everyone I meet is either insecure or arrogant. It's hard to find a middle line. It's not always you're fault for how you've become, but it is your responsibility to make yourself change.
Thanx for ur review,
I mentioned things about the teeth to show that particular age group when milk teeth are replaced with the permanent ones because as u see, the poem advances with the various age periods.
And talking about the second thing you mentioned about, the main speaker is cursing them for making him "a friend in their greed".
Wow great job you actually made me laugh! That was so good! Just a few things however this line right here
My teeth whitened and glistened and shined.
take out that first and, it'll sound fine without it.
Secantly
I planted the seed of cold, without a plea
deep in my heart!
maybe try using a seed of cold wihout plea?
Finally this sounds like your talking about pride.
Thanx for ur review,
I am a bit confused at a few places, like the use of three adjectives while describing the teeth.
Also,
Under the shadows of light,
I rubbed my sweat against every tick-tock,
of work, of patience within my plight.
Here, I wanted to add "within my might" in the end as well but felt it could disturb the wave of the poem.
I really would like to have ur views on such topics as I see u urself are interested in writing poems.
Wow great job you actually made me laugh! That was so good! Just a few things however this line right here
My teeth whitened and glistened and shined.
take out that first and, it'll sound fine without it.
Secantly
I planted the seed of cold, without a plea
deep in my heart!
maybe try using a seed of cold wihout plea?
Finally this sounds like your talking about pride.