Ah, have you heard that knell?
When it all feels well
but a loud bang on your head
makes your mind numb,
and silence falls.
Like a loud beep
it rips you apart
and without a sound,
everything falls.
You blink, you think
but guttering and choking,
you just sink.
Your heart thumps its loudest
as you look up,
for a sound of life and hope.
At last, you just mince,
“It's late, I suppose!”
…
Heavy heart heals a last wish
for a joyful pop to rekindle.
The dreams speak within you
as in your ears, a chorus begins to tinkle.
Before beginnings better,
a swiftness surrounds,
and before you could even mutter,
a swish swallows.
The silence falls again,
the dreams crumble.
But no one shall hear a thing
for the songs will remain unsung.
…
It might be over,
and no one will hear,
but you hear it loud,
that you aren’t dead yet.
A pulse still beats,
the hymn echoes forever,
the hymn echoes forever.
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I had some difficulty understanding what this poem is about, my guess is that the "hymn" is a metaphor for the heart beat of a person mostly based on "Heavy heart heals a last wish" and "no one will hear but you hear it loud". It was an interesting comparison of a hymn to a pulse, but there were some really odd ways that you described the sound that made me wonder if the "pulse" itself was actually a metaphor for life.
For instance a pulse sounds more like a drum or a light thump, not really a swish or a chorus or tinkle or pop - so perhaps the pulse is a metaphor for more than a physical heart-beat but like a spiritual or living one too.
I enjoyed the different ways you described sound, but some of them I found a bit confusing, or awkwardly phrased to the point that the poem read a bit Dr. Seuss-like at times, in that it was almost too whimsical for the message portrayed?
I'll point out some of what I was thinking:
^ this seems contradictory to me. You hear a bang and silence falls? how does that "feel well"?
^Again why is noise being described as silence. It's like saying, "the shirt was so blue in fact it was colorless" - it's a direct contradiction that I can't make sense of, although I'll admit it intrigues me.
^ I can't understand what this means. What hope? What does mince mean in this context? What are they late for and how does it relate to hope?
Overall the poem could use more transitions between subjects and sounds in general, or just condense the amount of imagery you cover so it feels a little less meandering and disconnected.
I like this phrase it's very whimsical, but I can't think of what it could possibly mean.
I don't get the inclusion of "it might be over" did they die? I do like the point about a heart being so important, and yet no one else can hear it though!
I like that you repeat the last line to show the echo.
Overall this poem felt like there were a lot of related phrases that came together but didn't quite write a story for me. I would recommend if you're going for something whimsical, push the envelope a little more so that it's apparent. If you actually were going for some concrete idea though, I think you can write a bit more plainly so that your ideas get across, and then work on dressing up the language. I felt like maybe you sacrificed sense for rhyming in a few cases, and in a poem that's not structured that is really not necessary and can end up feeling forced. Neat concept, I just want the poem to lean a bit more in either direction of concrete (making sense) or abstract (being whimsical and playful with language) - trying to do both at the same time is very difficult to master!
Best of luck,
-alliyah
It gave a very chilling feeling while reading it. It's good that you used onomatopoeic words to create
more emphasis and convey your ideas more powerfully to the readers. Especially your last stanza was ended on a very striking note that will leave a lasting impression on minds of people so that they give more thoughts over the poem.
Thanks for your appreciation and your comments!
I like that this poem uses a lot of strong imagery and your consistent pattern of auditory imagery in particular makes this all the more effective. I like that you chose to start the poem with the word "knell" rather than another more common synonym for it; this in itself sets a more sophisticated tone for the poem, if that makes sense. Good writing decision there.
I also like that you broke the poem up into stanzas that all share the same underlying meaning. While reading through it, I got some more eerie vibes and the last stanza in particular really emphasizes this feeling. There are mixed feelings of both fear and terrified relief, and I like the repeated metaphor of a beating heart. This metaphor in particular is one of the most chilling ones to implement in any context, so good decision there as well.
I enjoyed the poem and I like that there is a steady rhythm to keep it flowing rather than having longer and more drawn-out lines.
Wonderful job on such a thought-provoking poem <3
Thank you for your comments! Glad to know that you enjoyed the poem and got a good impression of what I was trying to tell. Once again thanks for your time and attention %uD83D%uDE0A