Anxiety: that feeling that chains me to my bed,
Makes the lights look wrong and bright,
Shakes my body until it is jumbled into a labyrinth,
Fills my nose with sickly nostalgia and reminds me of
Childhood: when everything was easy and fun,
Playing pretend in my backyard with ponies and horses.
Springtime with the big, flowery, happy tree,
But memories always tainted by that one
Friend: laughter and growing and jokes and reminiscence,
Somehow always by my side even when I turned my back,
Always grateful for those who stayed,
But always reminds me of
Second Grade: when I was best friends with her,
And everyone hated us, and I hated us too,
Because she always made me feel sick, and I think a part of me died when she said,
“Kiss me.” And I had to because if I didn’t, she said I’d
Die: that word she used to threaten me when I didn’t want to oblige,
It means I’ll never open my eyes,
But I was dead every time I was with her,
Because oh my, was I
Blind: how I followed her around day after day,
Like a dog on a leash, a slave to a master,
All that following lead me to worship at her feet,
A god-fearing child who bowed every time she looked at
Me: it was never about me, always about her.
And those lies she made up so I would do her will
Always revolved around her her her.
And now it seems she’s all I think about, even when I
Write: how I express this wandering soul,
Who writes letters in code and puts them in a bottle,
I am the interpreter, these words are not mine, but the spirit’s,
But must every single message be about
Her: a story locked inside, a pronoun that
Has always had a distinct name.
A lingering particle floating in my mind,
Cracked and shattered because I can never quite remember
Everything: something she didn’t take from me.
But surely, she took something,
Because lately every syllable holds her voice,
And often I’ll lie awake and just
Wonder: what she did to me. Why she lied to me.
Did she ever have a hold on me? I have no lasting trauma,
Only questions residing in this labyrinth of a body.
What was her
Meaning: things I hold close, connotations and memories,
Feelings and words, all attached to something.
It seems she was a part of many things,
And all I want to do is take her meaning
Away.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
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125,029 Literary Works • 672,776 Reviews
This was incredible! To begin, I love how you wrote this and broke it up. I love how we get lead into all of the new stanzas, as if the first word is the last word of the previous stanzas sentence.
I really like how we go through time here. You tell us about the second grade and then you skip to this next stanza that mentions college. I love in the stanza above, how you go through so much in a narrative way. You tell us about a best friend, commenting on how everyone hated you, but what I really liked was that comment about also hating yourself. This person writing could see that things were not right, and that others dislike them, but they felt trapped by this other person, as if they had to continue to be the person they wanted them to be. She even made this person do things that make them very uncomfortable, such as having to kiss her, and if they said no, she told them that they would die.
I love how we finally get the singular "away" at the end of the poem. I feel like that could perhaps represent some closure, but maybe not completely. Maybe it even shows that the poem will go on forever, throughout your entire life, because one thing will always lead into another. That's what I loved about this poem, it was so representative of life and how we go throughout our day, with everything we do affecting something that we will feel in the future. I did love this last stanza, too, how you talked about connotations and memories and feelings. You basically said exactly what I said. Everything is attached to some, we are really just a combination of so many things that we have done and said and had done to us too. It seems that this person was hurt. You has caused a lot of this in your life. So all you wanna do is take that away, because you don't wanna be an end result shaped by her. Overall, fantastic work! Keep writing and have a wonderful day.
Your friend,
Ellie
Utterly beautiful. I love the way you use such every day words and attach your own meanings onto them, constantly reminding the reader of the definitions. It's truly brilliant.
I also love how you slowly reveal the story behind it through subtle but open ended lines, it's really imaginative. Can't wait to read more of your work!
Thank you for the review! I'm glad you liked it! smt:051
woops I wrote the emoji thing wrong.... uh well it was supposed to be this at the end of the sentence:
Haha glad you liked it my friend %uD83D%uDE1D
Hello avian! i'm here to review your work with the YWSeption review. Lets get into it!
Register On To YWS
huh...? what's YWS?
So, first impressions. There's quite a lot of pattern in this, with the 4 lines and the last line of each stanza leading to the next. I also noticed how the term "she" came up a lot (obviously, duh herb.) but it really evoked some strong emotions! good job!
Hop On To Forums
woah! this is really fun!
Welcome Mat
Something that stuck out to me was definitely these lines:
this turn was definitely what set the "tone" (which was very interesting, as normally you see the "tone" in the first lines.)
The Lounge
The flow was amazing! the stanzas the set this were definitely:
and especially describing how you still hear her echoing in your mind (as every syllable holds her voice.)
Art & Photography
The imagery was really interesting, especially
which definitely brought in feelings of childhood, no?
First Review
huh? whats a review? how do i do one?
I don't have any major critisisms!
however:
maybe make it instead:
or
Read Some Works
hmm... I like these poems by alliyah... and these stories by Spearmint!
If you want to read some poems that have this more somber feelings i recommend either my age gap or maybe envy's thepastistheprey
Staying On YWS
I think I like it here!
I hope this helped you! I really liked this-- and I hope you aren't friends with this person anymore. Have a nice day/afternoon/night~!
regards,
herbert
Thanks for the review, Herb! You've got a unique and fun format going on here, I like it! (I wonder if it's a submission for the contest... hmmm... I'll have to check later) Also, thanks for pointing out that one stanza. I didn't notice the capitalization inconsistency until now... heh.
hold on, I used auto caps on this poem... well uh... that made me realize that I in fact did not want auto caps.... huh.