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125,005 Literary Works • 672,794 Reviews
Hey friend! This poem was so incredibly beautiful, I can't even get over it. I have to leave a review, because I loved it so much. Let's jump right into the review:
These lines means so much to me in so many different ways. I think a lot about healing from trauma. Sometimes, it hurts too much to heal yourself and you're not ready yet. The only way you can feel happiness by seeing other people get better and share their happiness. This makes me think of my own life in a lot of ways. Wanting to be better, but not being able to. So instead, I settle for making others happy, because it's all I can do. It's exhausting, and the weight of that heart is overwhelming, but it still makes me happy. And it's enough. For now, at least, it will be sufficient.
This stanza oddly reminded me of my childhood. I remember, being young, perhaps, representing the moth. Hiding behind the curtains in my house, playing hide and seek. I think, at least tender memories, and I was small, but still in so much pain. Hiding behind those curtains and burning up from the sun. I love your choice of words, now you say things like "I think I wish" it has this run-on feeling, but it's so perfect. It's so simple, but it means a lot. I love the tone that you use throughout this poem and all of your poetry. It's very calming and aesthetically pleasing in every way.
Overall, I love this so much! I look forward to reading way more of your poetry. Have a lovely day and keep writing!
Your friend,
Ellie
me when I take a 3 month hiatus and come back just to read this. tragically beautiful as always.
I wishhhh I could write like this!!
I love how short the poem is but it provides such a strong message. You have a very strong vocabulary and talent.
Would you mind telling me the main point of the poem? I feel like there are many ways to interpret this!
This is such a strong poem. Love the unexpected turns and unexpected imagery pairings ... like "headlights / honey-colored & full of blood" !!! I really enjoy reading your poetry!
envy! hello!
i always love when you post something, but i feel like this poem lacks a lot of the traditional elements of your poetry. it isn't a bad thing, but it's new, you know? i think that quintessential envy poetry is very nostalgic and full of longing; you use a lot of comforting and familiar imagery in unexpected ways. this, however, feels very different to me. a deer in headlights is a poetic image, but it is very bleak and foreign relatively speaking. perhaps this is a new era?
this line is an example of what i said above. it's a unique idea, but it feels one-dimensional. i agree with hijinks about a lot of your imagery -- you have great, solid images, but there is very little connecting them together. if you had worked more with the whole deer thing, that would've been the best bet. for example, there is something so personal about the "tick in your skin" line to me! that would've been absolutely perfect to bounce off of.
your word choice is stunning though! it is simple for sure, but being straightforward is hard. you have found a great in-between!
honestly, this is where you start to lose me. i could make a good argument for the lines above, but this marks the real turning point for me. i assume this is supposed to be some kind of love poem/have elements of a love poem, but i genuinely can't see it. even from the first lines alone, i get a sense of something unrequited, but love is a strong word. i don't feel anything strongly.
although, this could be such a more powerful love poem. there is something so vulnerable about deer imagery to me that i connect with youth and feeling alive, which could very easily be shaped into a more "traditional" love poem. traditional is definitely a strong word, but i hope you get what i mean! i just think the lack of connection between each stanza throws it off for me.
man i LOVE these lines so much, i can't even explain it. i wish i could word it better than that to be honest. there is something that deeply resonates me when it comes to the image of a moth crapped in curtains. moths don't live that long, which could tie into a lot of the fleeting/ephemeral vibes i get here. relationships are, for the most part, temporary. these feelings will pass one day. it's very poetic! i think this is a great note to end on generally speaking; it's a good conclusion.
however, i wish it connected to the rest of the poem as i've said so many times. if you leaned into the brief nature of most human experiences, i think you could have something even stronger here. that's all i can really say.
also hey, post more! i love your poetry!
best,
chi
Hi envy!
I was intrigued by the title of this poem, so I thought I'd stop by with a quick review for you.
Strengths
I LOVE when poems - or any sort of art, for that matter - take a cliche and give it an unexpected twist. We've heard of the "deer caught in the headlights" a thousand times, usually with a focus on the deer as the subject. But turning that around and making the headlights the subject is genius. On top of that, the headlights have a dead bulb, which means the deer is probably not particularly visible or "caught in the headlights". I've read the opening two lines at least half a dozen times and I'm a little bit more obsessed each time.
You do a great job of evoking a strong emotion without explicitly stating the emotion in question. I think it can be really easy to fall back on simply saying outright what is going on in a poem as it happens, but that can actually work against you and sort of distance the reader. Being able to show - instead of explain/talk about - an emotional state or relationship is an important skill and you do it very well! I thought the second last stanza was especially strong at this.
And of course the imagery throughout is just so satisfying. "honey-colored & full of blood" and "like moths trapped in lace curtains, / the sun is burning me up" are both top tier descriptions.
Weaknesses
It isn't entirely clear how the start of the poem connects to the end of the poem? I can easily interpret the first four stanzas as being about a somewhat tumultuous/unhealthy relationship between the narrator and the person being addressed throughout the poem. It seems like the narrator is missing something in their relationship with themself ("i want to hold my heart / in the palm of my hands but i can't") and so is projecting this onto their relationship with the "deer". I read the first stanza as the narrator being self-absorbed to the point that they are not actually paying any attention to the deer. The second stanza seems to objectify the deer ("trophy kill") and makes it clear that the narrator doesn't really value the deer for who they are, but rather for what they can give.
The last stanza though? How does the sun come into this? Why does the last line suddenly pivot to the narrator wishing they could die? That feels like a big leap from where we were at one stanza ago. Perhaps you were aiming for a jarring finish - that is certainly a technique that can be used in some poems - but to me it just came across as a bit rushed/unrelated.
Overall
This was a very enjoyable and interesting poem to read! I love how concise and clean your language is - people (me <.<) can sometimes get really enthusiastic about using excessive adjectives/adverbs, but you do a great job of using the most precise and succinct language possible and it makes the poem flow smoothly. Visually, too, it looks very clean with relatively consistent line length and short stanzas. I thought you create a really interesting narrative and do a great job of using evocative, emotive imagery. Overall, really well done. :)
~Hijinks