z
  • Home

Young Writers Society


12+ Violence

you are no longer the sun

by Avian


i wonder what you’d say if i told you

i’ve had dreams about us.

would you laugh?

smile, for knowing this would be the result

of the damage you caused?

(i think you’d stay silent)

    

when you were gone,

i wasn’t the one left in tears

i was left with a feeling of freedom

of knowing you couldn’t touch me again

and could never come back.

(i learned freedom is finite)

   

but then you showed up behind my eyes,

chasing me down with a knife in your hand

and it hurt everytime you stabbed me,

everytime you opened your mouth and all that came out

was a bloody mess of mangled love and lies.

(i never stopped bleeding)

    

so on the day i saw you again,

my blood ran cold

and i stopped in the center of the hallway,

it seemed like i was the earth again and everything

was revolving around you you you.

(my earth shattered when you left)

   

and you tried to say hello as if you were the sun

but all i could think about was the darkness you brought

so i stayed silent and walked away,

you got the picture and let me be,

realizing you couldn’t touch me again.

(not now not ever)  

    

we act like we are nothing to each other,

and i can’t catch any of your sly glances,

even though i wish i could,

because you hurt me so so much

and i don’t even think you know.

(i didn’t even know)

    

now it seems you’re no longer the sun,

simply a distant star in which

i can no longer reach,

such a distance will never seem

far enough away from you.

(but you’ll never be the sun again)


Is this a review?


  

Comments



User avatar
5 Reviews

Points: 45
Reviews: 5

Donate
Fri Mar 08, 2024 7:00 pm
View Likes
miablue24 wrote a review...



Such a strong poem that I feel like many people can relate to. (me) I love the way you added sentences wrapped with parenthesis after each stanza. It definitely adds more thought and adds your ACTUAL perspective to the situation. You really captured the way someone feels when the person they loved the most, hurt them the most.
Especially the fourth stanza where it says that you saw that person again, they try to act like nothing bad ever happened, as if they never hurt you. And they try to manipulate you into coming back to them, even though the thought of them is going to haunt you forever.

(Let me know if this is correct! Just my interpretation:) )

Overall, an amazing job.

(sorry i meant to submit as a review)




Avian says...


Haha it's okay I've done it, too. No worries!



User avatar


Points: 326
Reviews: 2

Donate
Sun Feb 11, 2024 1:33 am
View Likes
Rubes07 wrote a review...



Hey, firstly I would just like to say that this poem was so beautifully written and I really hope that you keep on improving and writing! It touched me whilst reading, which I know can be quite difficult through poetry especially, so I truly commend you for that. (Also this is my first review in about 2 years so if the coding isn't right, that's why!)


First Impressions!

I loved the simplistic structure of the poem; it really conveyed a sense of someone purely venting and made it so much easier to read and understand. The multiple stanzas were also really effective for me personally, each clearly showing a different theme or emotion. It vividly represents the stages of losing someone who hurt you. I also really liked the use of brackets to seperate the end line of every stanza, as if they were your internal thoughts that you couldn't seem to say aloud.


The extended metaphor

The extended metaphor of the sun was just so freaking good!
These are a few lines using the extended metaphor in that I really liked:


and you tried to say hello as if you were the sun

but all i could think about was the darkness you brought


I loved these two lines because of the juxtaposition with the sun and the darkness. This makes it really obvious that the end of this relationship was almost haunting for the speaker, and differed in views compared to the other person. LOVE, LOVE, LOVE!!!


My favourite sections (and why I love them so much!)


chasing me down with a knife in your hand

and it hurt everytime you stabbed me,


This part is just so effective! I just love the violent representation by the use of the metaphor. The themes of fear, anxiety and haunting are so clear here and it gives the poem a bit of a dramatic nature - which keeps it interesting and engaging - as well as an understanding of as to why the rest of the story continues. It gives the poem a storyline and for that I felt so connected.


now it seems you’re no longer the sun,

simply a distant star in which

i can no longer reach,


I love the physical sound of this, through the sibilance in "simply a distant star", which for me personally mimics a bitterness and anger at this person. I also really like the use of the extended metaphor of the sun coming back into the poem. It reminded me of what the poem was really centered around, which would have interrupted the flow and interpretations otherwise.
Just a note: Make sure that you're using a capital I!


(but you’ll never be the sun again)


There's not anything else to say other than WHAT A POWERFUL ENDING! WOW!!


Overview

I absolutely loved this piece. It was so connecting and engaging to read and was really impactful! Obviously there are minor improvements that you can make, but I love the rawness of the poem, and with too much perfection it just wouldn't be communicated in the same way!

Review by Rubes :)




Avian says...


Thank you for the review! I'm glad you pointed out specific aspects you liked and that worked well. Knowing that is super helpful for me! I'm glad you like the poem :D



User avatar
10 Reviews

Points: 531
Reviews: 10

Donate
Thu Feb 08, 2024 12:31 am
View Likes
1TryingBird wrote a review...



Hey, Avianwings, I will be reviewing your poem with my custom template:

𝕒𝕚𝕟𝕓𝕠𝕨


RED: | Energy


  1. I see no overall errors, since this seems to be a free-verse poem, but its not quite rhythmic, or lyrical, and is kind of a slow burn.
  2. In the first stanza, the line "smile, for knowing this would be the result" could be revised as "smile, knowing this would be the result" for smoother syntax.
  3. In the second stanza, the line "and could never come back" could be revised to "and never return" to maintain the parallel structure with the previous line.
  4. In the third stanza, the line "everytime you opened your mouth" should be corrected to "every time you opened your mouth" to maintain proper spacing.
  5. In the fourth stanza, the repetition of "you" in the line "and everything was revolving around you you you" could be revised for better flow, such as "and everything revolved around you."
  6. In the fifth stanza, the line "but all i could think about was the darkness you brought" could be revised as "but all I could think about was the darkness you brought with you" for clarity.
  7. In the sixth stanza, the repetition of "so" in the line "so I stayed silent and walked away" could be revised for variety, such as "thus I stayed silent and walked away."
  8. In the seventh stanza, the line "and i can't catch any of your sly glances" could be revised as "and I can't catch any of your subtle glances" for more precise language.
  9. In the last stanza, the line "such a distance will never seem far enough away from you" could be revised as "such a distance will never feel far enough from you" to improve the phrasing.

  10. Overall, make sure you use good, big words to make the poem feel and sound good.


ORANGE: | Success
  1. Initial thoughts were "what the..." because that was one ride I did not want to take, it wasn't bad, but it was weird. The pushiness of the murderous-lovey-dovey ex-gf or bf or whomever, was a huge nope for me, it was too compact and repetitive in a bad way.
  2. If you worded it better, used proper wordage, and added some more detail, then this would be a top poem.
  3. I hope this isn't the last poem you ever write though, because I would love to see how you grow from this.

GOLD: | Happiness
  1. You did good with the characterization and stanza formatting, and I can say that there is nothing else wrong with this.
  2. I specifically like this part right here, because it stood out to me, and also chilled me to the core;
    but then you showed up behind my eyes,

    chasing me down with a knife in your hand

    and it hurt everytime you stabbed me,

    everytime you opened your mouth and all that came out

    was a bloody mess of mangled love and lies.

    (i never stopped bleeding)

GREEN: | Quality
  1. The pacing overall is great, the build up to the realization that "you" could never touch "me" again.
  2. The short, fragmented lines and stanzas create a sense of urgency and intensity, which aligns with the themes of pain, hurt, and distance from the subject of the poem.
    so on the day i saw you again,

    my blood ran cold

    and i stopped in the center of the hallway,

    it seemed like i was the earth again and everything

    was revolving around you you you.

    (my earth shattered when you left)


BLUE: | Loyalty
  1. This is a poem, thus, there is no development of characters.
  2. But the subject of this story is clearly clinically insane and should never see th sun again...
    because you hurt me so so much

    and i don’t even think you know.

PURPLE: | Luxury
  1. What I took from this story is, that I can never date again.
  2. Lucky for me, this story does not relate to me.


But hey, Arianwings, look here, these could help improve your poem writing:
Poem Writing Tips | JotterPad | Quotes

Image
𝕿. 𝕾𝖈𝖔𝖙𝖙




Avian says...


WOW, this was a very in-depth review! Thank you for all of the suggestions! :D



1TryingBird says...


No problem, I am happy to review anytime :smile: :cool:



User avatar
6 Reviews

Points: 106
Reviews: 6

Donate
Tue Feb 06, 2024 7:21 pm
View Likes
berrie wrote a review...



Hi there! My name's Berrie, and I'll be reviewing using the YWS S'more Method today!

Let's get started! :)

Top Graham Cracker - Opening Thoughts: The narrator is speaking about someone who they used to love/be with, and how leaving that person set them free. But when that person came back to haunt them, this freedom was disrupted. The narrator is coming to terms with the fact that this person leaving them left them more broken than they thought, but because of the nature of their separation, they can never be together again.

Slightly Burnt Marshmallow - Room for Improvements: I'm going to be perfectly honest - I couldn't find anything! There are no spelling or grammar issues and that's super impressive! Great job!

Chocolate Bar - Highlights of the Piece: I thought that the formatting was super interesting. Adding an extra thought in parentheses at the end of each stanza allowed the narrator's own, raw feelings to follow the more thought-out phrases of the stanza itself. I love seeing the personal, unique touch that poets add to their works to create more engaging and artistic poetry, and this is no exception.

Closing Graham Cracker - Closing Thoughts: This seems to be a poem about coming to terms with the full consequences of lost love. The narrator was hurt by someone who they loved, and when they left they realized how much the were relying on that relationship. But no matter how much they want to, they know it would be even more painful to reconnect with them.

This piece was really amazing and professional! Thank you for writing it! Have a great day/night, wherever you are.

- Berrie




Avian says...


Thanks so much for the review! I'm glad you liked the poem! Your review put a smile on my face. :D



User avatar
121 Reviews

Points: 10310
Reviews: 121

Donate
Tue Feb 06, 2024 7:01 pm
View Likes
Ley wrote a review...



Hello! :D Ley here to review this piece for you!

First impressions...

I was in love with the description of this piece so I had to click on it. I love lyrical poetry, and when I was reading this in my head I subconsciously started singing it! That just shows how well you did keeping this poem within the lyrical theme, and your great ability to grab the readers attention right away! :D Lets get into the specifics, though:

When I was reading this I felt...

Euphoric, grieving, alone, but then happy again? This piece was the perfect mixture of every single emotion, and I think that's because of the melancholic and descriptive language you used throughout each stanza.

My favorite line/quote is...

I liked the whole piece, I couldn't pick just one line or stanza, but I just wanted to point out how brilliant and impactful adding the narrators thoughts after each stanza is. Those words echoed in my brain as I read, creating a more heavenly atmosphere, therefore increasing my intrigue. I desperately wanted to know how it was going to end! XD

Some things that could be improved are...

Nothing! I couldn't find any grammar mistakes at all, and i truly loved the overall concept so I have nothing to critique! This was a well-written, powerful piece of literature!

Overall...

I really enjoyed reading this! You captured every emotional aspect that I look for in lyrical poetry. I hope to read more work of yours in the future! Have a great rest of your day. Happy Writing! <3

With Love,
Leya




Avian says...


Hey, hey! Thanks for the review, it's very appreciated! :D



Random avatar

Points: 0
Reviews: 0

Donate
Mon Feb 05, 2024 3:57 pm
View Likes
Kledja says...



Hii

The part of confusion displays a lot on this poetry. I can feel myself being confused, irritated feeling hate and love.

I mean you want to hate him but in the end you still say you are a distant star that I can no longer reach.
You can not reach the sun either. In both ways it was something that you think you never had.

But I think you did, you had him loved him, hated him, and it became lonely because you started to love for both of you.

It’s a beautiful piece but I think you should approach it in a different way. Make the reader think deeper about your piece and let out your deepest darkest thoughts.

Wish you well and hope you write more 😉




Avian says...


Thanks for the comments! They'll be helpful for revisions and my next piece! :D




If you don't know it's impossible it's easier to do. And because nobody's done it before, they haven't made up rules to stop anyone doing that again, yet.
— Neil Gaiman