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Guilt Has Found Me Again

by Avian


And suddenly it comes

crashing down,

as if I am Atlas

and the universe is

being placed on a body that is

all too weak.

   

The gods only give me

the gift of the world

when I hear

that small whisper

echoing in my mind,

that drumming of my heart,

that ringing in my ears,

all singing in unison,

“You have messed up again.”

  

And oh, how the world has become my friend,

always there when I’ve gone mad,

always there when I have failed,

always there to make me feel

small

small

small.

   

So I cave in and

hide

hide

hide

away to where the universe

cannot find me,

to where the world

cannot catch me,

and to where I will not

mess up again.


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122 Reviews

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Reviews: 122

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Fri Jan 26, 2024 9:26 pm
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Ley wrote a review...



Hello! Leya here to leave a quick little review on this wonderful poem! I think the message you tried to get across was powerful, being not enough or feeling like you always mess up. I feel like this is also a super relatable piece, so I applaud you for that as well!

Now, lets get to the content and formatting. I would've liked to see some commas in this piece, but the thing about poetry is that you can really write it however you want. I feel like if you added some commas, the piece would flow much smoother. This is just my personal opinion, though, so take it with a grain of salt!

I really did enjoy the repetitive lines, such as:

always there to make me feel

small

small

small.


and

So I cave in and

hide

hide

hide


These were immensely powerful lines, and drew emphasis to the emotional aspect of this poem! It made me feel like I was inside the narrator's brain, hearing those words echo into the endless void. It was truly smart of you to add this creative idea to the poem. :D

Overall, I thoroughly enjoyed this read! It had a great ending, and even better beginning, and all the aspects I look for in good poetry was there! I can't wait to read more of your work in the future. <3 Happy Writing!




Avian says...


Thank you for the review! I'll definitely keep your suggestions in mind for my next poem. :D



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Fri Jan 26, 2024 3:52 pm
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EllieMae wrote a review...



Time for a Black Cat Review!!



MEOW! Hello, friend! My name is Ellie and today I will be reviewing using my very own Black Cat Review Method! It is very similar to the incredible YWS S'more Method but I have Halloween-ified it and made it spooky! My little black cat friend, Vladimir, wants to offer his opinion on your amazing literary piece:

Mystical Witch Hat - What I See, Observe, and Interpret

This is a beautiful poem <33

as if I am Atlas

and the universe is

being placed on a body that is

all too weak.


Wow! I love this comparison to Atlas. I think that this is a line that a lot of us can connect to, very strongly. Sometimes it does feel as if everything comes crashing down. That weight seems to consume our bodies. It is too heavy, but there is nowhere we can hide or escape to. I wonder, since this person describes themself as Atlas, do they deserve this punishment, in a way? Or is it something that they do not?

As I read, I thought that these lines flowed extremely well:

when I hear

that small whisper

echoing in my mind,

that drumming of my heart,

that ringing in my ears,

all singing in unison,


I love how we go through hear, whisper, mind, heart, ears, and then singing in unison. The listing notion that you used makes this almost feel like a song, which is a huge poetry compliment :D

And oh, how the world has become my friend,

always there when I’ve gone mad,

always there when I have failed,

always there to make me feel

small


At the beginning of this poem, the world was the punishment. Now it is a friend. Is it really a friend though, or are we looking at a mental decline of the person speaking? I guess this is true. Sometimes, even things like depression can be the things that appear to treat us the best in our lives. They never leave us. They cry with us and don't let us go. It can be hard to realize that there are not friends.

away to where the universe

cannot find me,

to where the world

cannot catch me,

and to where I will not

mess up again.


What a beautiful way to end this poem! At the start, it seemed to me that escape was impossible. And maybe it is. Maybe this person has learned to cope unhealthily and avoid their problems. Or maybe escape means death. I am not too sure, but I love the way you describe hiding and running away from the universe in this last part!

Vladimir’s Advice - Suggestions for Improvement

I wonder if you could capitalize the word Gods in this line:

The gods only give me

the gift of the world



Jack O’Lanterns - My Favourite Parts and Praises

I loved the lists and repetition you used throughout this piece. One of my favourites was this one:

So I cave in and

hide

hide

hide


Sure, hide is just a four-letter word, so it is small. I guess it doesn't really give the full effect we want to show. Maybe this person has been hiding for a long time, years. Repeating the words shows this. The words also fall at a decline, perhaps showing the passing of time and the deterioration of their mental state too.

Black Cat Cuddles - Concluding Ideas and Thoughts

This was lovely, so so lovely! Thank you for sharing your beautiful talent here on YWS. Take care and have a lovely day!

Your friend,
Ellie

I hope you have a spook-tastical day, filled with black cat mischief!




Avian says...


Thank you for taking the time to read my poem and write this wonderful review! I'm glad you liked it!



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Fri Jan 26, 2024 5:39 am
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Elsinore wrote a review...



Ooh, this is so good!! I found it a very relatable and cathartic read. I think it taps into the feelings that a lot of us harbor but might not openly share. To me, it was striking and emotionally stirring, while at the same time being minimalistic and making shrewd use of relatively few words. That’s incredibly impressive! You should be very proud. Good job!




Avian says...


Thank you so much for your kind words! :D




Remember, a stranger once told you that the breeze here is something worth writing poems about.
— Shinji Moon