Heavenly

I took out the words "alas" and laboring... Do you think it'll make much of a difference?

First of all… hi Ariana! Welcome to YWS. Mind you, you’ve been here for nearly a month now, but I am clearly a horrible person and have thus not welcomed you to YWS yet. *Sighs*

Anyway! Heaven! What a lovely topic! I don’t think there is any place better than heaven. You described it nicely too… I volunteer at my library’s local rose garden, and so when you were talking about this, I was imagining the garden that I help volunteer at and thinking of this kind of setting. Er… without, of course, all the homeless people who wander around. I think that, in heaven, everyone has a home.

Anyway! Your poem started off on a kind of odd note. Why did you say, “Alas!” It seems a bit odd to say that about a meaningful walk through a peaceful park. In fact, that’s one of the last things I would think of saying. Perhaps you just put that word in because it sounded right? I’ve done that before… still, you should know that it doesn’t quite work in this case. The word, “alas” indicates a cry of distress — which is something that would hopefully not be in heaven at all.

Another question I have about the word choice is the word “coexists.” What exactly do you mean by “coexist”? Because, in a way, every child does coexist already with everything in the earth. The only really prerequisite to coexisting is to existing with something, after all. But, I think you mean something different here… perhaps you want a stronger word than this?

Also! Another question. You use the word “laboring” to describe the hearts of children and adults. What is their heart laboring about? I mean, the word “labor” kind of indicates a toil, or heavy workload, so I am kind of confused what they are toiling for in heaven. Or maybe I am missing something critical here? This is probably the case.

So! My overall advice for this poem? Look very closely at the words that you are using, and make sure that you are using them correctly. I love the setting that you painted, and I hope that heaven is as beautiful as a garden, and more! All you have to do now is to make sure that your words properly give out the picture that you want to paint with your words.

Good luck, and again! Welcome to YWS. If you have any questions, feel free to bug me about them.

What a beautiful piece! I can tell that you thought quite a bit about your stanzas, so well done. I have a few little problems.
The second to last stanza doesn't make sense. The second line should be:
whisper through the towering trees singing songs
To me that sounds right.
Apart from that, this is a very nice piece that made me feel very warm inside, a great pickmeup especially after reading a really creepy horror story.
Well done, and make more poetry like this!

This is very nice. The first time I read it, it was quite relaxing and soothing.

However, I went back and reread it more carefully, and I found a few inconsistencies. Your first two stanzas make enough sense, but the third one kind of confused me.

"Through what vibrantly painted birds
whisper through the towering trees sing songs
full of joy and laughter"

The first line makes no sense to me at all. The second line would be understandable if it became "whisper through the towering trees singing songs", but I really can't figure out that first line.

The final stanza was clear enough, and it added a warm ending to a nice poem.

Overall, I like this. It's very relaxing if you don't overanalyze it, like I did. Hah. Oh well.
Brilliant job, though. If you need anything else reviewed, let me know.

x Penny