Enter into...

Hi Ariana! My apologies for forgetting that you asked me to review this. I've been very busy lately.

Now, overall I think there's some imagery, but it still feels rather prose-y and is somewhat confusing. They start out blind, but now they're voiceless and lonely? I might focus on one of those, probably the blindness. It kind of reminds me of an old Spanish saying "In the land of the blind, the one-eyed man is king". Which brings up an interesting point: How do these blind people function without sight? Are their rules the same as ours or different?

I think instead of outright pleading for the reader's sympathy, it might be more effective to write from the perspective of one of these people. As others have suggested, elaborate on how they became blind. Were they ever able to see or have they always been this way? Show us their joys and their pains, make them real people instead of faceless victims. Done well, this will trigger more genuine emotion in the reader.

You see nothing there but a longing to see.

Hey there! Blue (finally) reporting for duty after (shamefully) forgetting that you asked me to review this.

I think I've mentioned before that I like the fact that your poetry tends to have a strong, clear theme/message/whatever you want to call it. I don't want to tell you to surround it in mystery, because a lot of people stop reading poetry since its shrouded in *so much* mystery, so much that the message becomes clouded. BUT I think you really need more imagery, stronger language that fits the strength of your messages.

For example, the metaphor of blindness is really good, particularly because it extends throughout the poem. All the lines pertaining to blindness:

"Most of its populace has indeed
become all but blind."
"Their vision is distorted by the terror that besieges them
During the absence of light."
"When you look into the eyes of its inhabitants,
You see nothing there but a longing to see."

I would even argue that the use of "overlooked" in this line, "Its residents are often overlooked," alludes to blindness, although that may have been unintentional. Still, to overlook something is to not see it, plus any variation of the word "look" is going to emphasize the fact that these people cannot see.

But I think this metaphor could be stronger. I'll accept the lack of visual imagery in this poem, since blindness is the main conveyance of theme (and the blind people wouldn't be able to give us any visual imagery), but remember that there are four other senses: Smell, touch, taste, and sound. Plus you can play around with what blind people would "see." Darkness? Those weird wiggly colors that you see on the insides of your lids when you close your eyes? What about dreaming? Do they see things in their dreams?

And the last stanza completely loses the metaphor. Instead it mentions their voices, rather than their eyes/blindness/seeing, which kind of comes out of nowhere since the rest of the poem is focused on their eyes. So what I would really like to see from this poem is to take the blindness metaphor to the next level--strengthen it so it matches the strength of your message.

~Blue

Hello there Ariana! Dogs here with your review as requested. Okey dokey, interesting idea for a poem here. I see a lot of potential in your writing of this with such a great topic, although with this abstract topic idea, your writing really depends on some imagery at times. Even if you're describing visually the nothingness that they see. Let's dive in now shall we?

"Hidden away is a place relatively"

Poetry is about getting your point across to the reader or a story or an image in the strongest way possible. And I'm having issues with this line because of the "relatively" bit. Make a statement, either it is known to man or it isn't. Maybe say "barely inhabited by man." Thus inferring that it is known to man, but nearly no man has been there.

Now I like that you chose to go down the path of making the population of this unknown place to be blind. But, you're missing a slight piece because you need to add in a visual to their blindness. Do they just not have eyes? Gaping holes in their skulls? Or is their eyes misty and clouded over by the fog of corruption? You can add in the theme and idea you're trying to convey with some imagery.

Now that third stanza is spot on, great use of the word "adhere," and great use of description to get your point across there. Although, before you even go into those great topics you need to set up the scene of this "lost place" barely inhabited by man. Is it in a cave? Is it underground? Is it the lost city of Atlantes? Is it my basement? These are important things you need to create for the reader before you even go into the next bit. It's like building a tower, you have a beautiful top of the tower (although a little unfinished) but it's lacking a base so the poem falls a little bit. The imagery is the base you need to create to build up on.

I love the topic for this piece and as always excellent writing. This is a brilliant stepping stone for something simply fantastic. I greatly look forward to seeing an edited copy hopefully at some point . Let me know if you ever need a review. Keep up the good work!

TuckEr EllsworTh

Despite being in progress, I enjoyed the theme of this piece. As you said, it can correlate to so many situations!

I honestly don't have much to say. But a suggestion would be to include some imagery about this 'place'. It clearly isn't a happy place, and if you describe the setting of it, I think that would set a very solid tone. You could also partly describe some of the residents, if that doesn't ruin too much mystique. What are their facial expressions? Confused? Perplexed? Empty? Visuals can really bring a poem to life!

I think this will be great, and I hope I helped you out a bit Keep writing and good day!

-housecat.