Gymnopedie #3

Hiya! Orabella, here to review.

:O This is beautiful. Absolutely wonderful. Splendid. Spectacular. Terrific! Like all the other poems I've read by you, this is absolutely amazing! It's so cool that you write poetry based on music you've listened to, and although I have not listened to the songs you write about, I can almost imagine the melody in the background as I read each poem.

Every rhyme in this poem is well placed and creative, and each line syncs with the next. Like a ballerina leaping gracefully across a stage.

The one thing I'd suggest is using the word "mind" less. In the following stanzas, I think you accidentally overuse that word:

My cold, harsh mind repeats to me

“You are empty and lonely and you are…”

I shake my head fervently.

My mind and I are again at war.

***

My mind was hard and intense

Far from Satie’s peaceful gymnopedie.

I struggled to put away

Thoughts that gave me wounds I cannot see.

***

The skies poured out heavy rain.

My mind clutched and drowned me silently.

It was easier to concede

Than ask for help from anybody.

Hey, there! I'm here to leave a review.

This sounds like a very introspective and insightful poem. The narrator seems to be struggling with intrusive thoughts, and since I think that's a widely relatable issue for many people, so it's an important topic to deal with. However, it's easy to tell that this poem's narrator is not necessarily aiming to educate or inform about intrusive thoughts, but rather to just put his or her inner thoughts and feelings into words. It gives the impression of being authentic and personal.

I like the way your stanzas are neatly divided and organized. Each one is four lines long, so that gives a sense of consistency throughout the poem. I can see the type of rhyme scheme you're trying to go for, which means you've had some success in an area where many people struggle. However, I would suggest working on rhythm. While the words you've chosen rhyme pretty well, the flow is a little clunky and could use some polishing up. One thing I noticed that I can suggest is in the 6th stanza. I think the flow could easily be polished up in this stanza simply by rearranging it like this:
"My mind was hard and intense
From Satie's peaceful gymnopedie,
I struggled to put away thoughts
That gave me wounds I cannot see."

Do you see/hear how that smooths things out? Sometimes reading the poem out loud helps us catch those little spots where something needs adjusted, particularly in the rhythm. Also, rhythm has a lot to do with number of syllables in each line.

Overall, I think you have a good concept of how you want your poem to look and sound. It conveys the personal distress of the narrator, which is often a poetic topic. I hope if you are facing this difficulty yourself, you don't hesitate to reach out for help to a professional or someone who can offer you good support. And finally, thanks for contributing this poem! Keep writing!

The turmoiling and bothersome thoughts can feel like a crescendo of high and low notes, changing in intensity, but never changing in effect. It can be hectic, but controlled to some extent with calming actions. I liked how this poem was worded, it felt like a not quite distant song that was sweetly and mournfully song.

I hope that you will have a fantastic and lovely day and night. Goodbye for now.