Hiya! Orabella, here to review.
:O This is beautiful. Absolutely wonderful. Splendid. Spectacular. Terrific! Like all the other poems I've read by you, this is absolutely amazing! It's so cool that you write poetry based on music you've listened to, and although I have not listened to the songs you write about, I can almost imagine the melody in the background as I read each poem.
Every rhyme in this poem is well placed and creative, and each line syncs with the next. Like a ballerina leaping gracefully across a stage.
The one thing I'd suggest is using the word "mind" less. In the following stanzas, I think you accidentally overuse that word:
My cold, harsh mind repeats to me
“You are empty and lonely and you are…”
I shake my head fervently.
My mind and I are again at war.
***
My mind was hard and intense
Far from Satie’s peaceful gymnopedie.
I struggled to put away
Thoughts that gave me wounds I cannot see.
***
The skies poured out heavy rain.
My mind clutched and drowned me silently.
It was easier to concede
Than ask for help from anybody.
While I do love these lines, the word mind is a bit distracting.
This is quite sad and bittersweet; there's so much sadness, and as you put it, "loneliness, anxiety, or depression", and yet it seems like happiness is so close, and yet out of reach.
Thanks for writing this! It was truly very lovely (and very sad).
Points: 23158
Reviews: 211
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