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E - Everyone

The Bus Ride.

by alexblackwell


The motion sick needed the window seat,
The six-footer some leg space
held hands and fell asleep;
it all fit in.


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59 Reviews


Points: 5328
Reviews: 59

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Tue Jan 10, 2017 12:25 pm
PusheenTheCat wrote a review...



This was a really different poem but I really like what is going on right now and with what I can see I am going to go by lines to make me read it better.
First: "' The motion sick needed the window seat"' This part right here was one of the reasons I wanted to keep reading to find out what happens next.
Second: "' The six-footer some leg space"' This was just really confusing to me because I didn't know what was going on at first it was someone who was motion sick then it goes to something like this a six-footer some leg space I don't even know what that is.
Third: "' Held hands and fell asleep;"' This was just one of the same things that didn't make any sense.
Finally: "' It all fit in"' Okay now things are just going crazy because that just doesn't make sense, and what I think you need help with is trying to make your sentences flow with the rhymes and making them make sense.

This was PusheenTheCat and as long as you write I will keep reviewing you and keep figuring out how to write a good poem and if you need help I would love to help you.




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36 Reviews


Points: 307
Reviews: 36

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Tue Jan 10, 2017 11:36 am
dystopianmonkey01 wrote a review...



Hey. I like the simplicity of this.

The first line is great, its factual but it kinda emphasises the diversity of a bus ride, which is really captivating and thought provoking to do with individuality and uniqueness.

The 2nd line is likewise the first.

Now the last two lines.

They do not make sense at all. Since the start of the third line is not capitalised (which I'm assuming is on purpose) then that'd mean that it continues on from the 2nd line, but reading it like that it honestly makes no sense at all.
So say it was its own line, WHO held hands??

I'm not sure if 'fit' should suit the last line.

So the last two lines completely removed the potential it had to be a great concise and short poem.

It's all about revising it, making sure others can understand it without saying it four times in their heads.

- Tiana :)





Once I had asked God for one extra or two extra inches in height but instead he made me as tall as the sky, so high that I could not measure myself.
— Malala