I come from the future,
Believe it or not.
Will try to nurture
and tell you what I sought.
You'll find yourself
fall head over heels;
for the words everywhere
hiding under a veil
They'll ask you to focus
on all the things that don't matter
Please listen to your heart
or else one day it will shatter.
From Monday traffic to Sunday brunch,
there is one thing I bet,
You'll die a little everyday
just with sheer regret.
It is not wealth
that you'll desire;
your story will make people
hang on to burning wires.
It's time for me,
bid you goodbye,
Just so you know,
it is okay to cry.
The ink and paper twin
assure you a win;
with the 'pen'- the weapon of mass construction,
you'll be better than I've ever been.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
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125,007 Literary Works • 672,815 Reviews
Hello there. I hope to give a fair review. YWS review sandwich style.
What I liked— I really liked the third stanza. Doing italic 'your' word was good work. I liked that. You have told a right thing in simple words. The poem rhymes for the most part, which I personally like. The second last line was amazing. Pen really is a weapon of mass construction. Good use.
What could have been better— There is no rhyme sometimes. It kills the flow. The use of semi colans unnecessary breaks the flow too. Though I can understand their use. The second last stanza comes too early. You could have said a lot more before ending the poem. The ending is quite abrupt. Something more can be added before the second last stanza. The line — 'The ink and paper twin' looks awkward, though the meaning is clear.
What I didn't get— I won't say that you force rhymed anything. No, I will never say that. But I can't understand the meaning of this line— 'your story will make people
hang on to burning wires.' Please tell me the meaning. The second stanza is also not clear. I also believe that the title and the content don't match much. I believe you should add more to the poem.
Conclusion— Overall, it's a nice try. Keep it up! I hope to read more from you. Please don't get demotivated. I know you have potential. Good luck.
Wonderful poem!
I like the message of the poem, though I will admit the changing rhyme patterns threw me off a bit. Also some of the lines could be altered in slight ways to where the different sentence lengths.
For example, in the line "will try to nurture; and tell you what I sought", you could drop the 'you' and say instead 'will try to nurture; and tell what I sought'.
This is just a suggestion though, and through many years I've learned (though I don't write poetry myself) that people have different views on poems.
All The Best,
Fangirl.Divided
Thank you for your time. I see I've stumbled upon a Harry Potter fan!
Among other things yes.