Locked up in her arms
there is no place I rather be;
it is Mumbai I am talking about,
the City of Dreams.
The City of Dreams
is always sleep deprived
She didn't have to do anything,
she had me at 'Hi'!
Amidst all the cutting chai
time just passes by
stuttering and struggling
everyone here at-least tries
I never can be alone,
I always have the sea;
buy myself some balloons
from the boy across the street.
Locked up in her arms
there is no place I'd rather be
I'll try to catch some sleep in the local
until I wake up to the City Of Dreams.
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125,005 Literary Works • 672,798 Reviews
Hello there. I believe I can do a better review (even though I don't live in Mumbai, but hey, I live in Delhi!)
I agree to the person who said that— 'the City of Dreams.
The City of Dreams'. It feels awkward. I didn't get the meaning of 'hi' though. Except that, I loved these lines— 'Amidst all the cutting chai' (although I have never taken a sip of it); 'I never can be alone,
I always have the sea;
buy myself some balloons
from the boy across the street.' So classic Hindi movie scene. I really liked it. But I believe the best line is this— 'I'll try to catch some sleep in the local'. It's so true for many of those struggling in Mumbai. But I don't think it's your personal experience. Overall, a great poem about the city you live in. I will try to write something good on Delhi. Thanks for such a poem.
Hey alexblackwell, here for a Review Day review,
Positives:
Obviously the poem has a bit of a middle-east feel to it, but I thought this was great that you've brought Chai into it, and used it as one of the primary rhymes. It builds the depth of the piece and makes it far more cultural, of course.
Negatives:
Should be "I'd."
The reduplication of that line is just unneeded and bogs the poem down a little.
While this gives it a whimsical fell, which is nice, it's just a bit out of place as there's no connection to the preceding or following lines.
Overall:It was an okay poem, in need of some adjustment in a few places to make it more rounded.
I give it:
It is not middle-east feel. Its Mumbaiya (Mumbai's) cutting chai. A half glass tea sold by roadside stands. (As much I know).
Hey there!
As stated by the previous reviewer, I really love the way you used personification! It really shows how close you are to the city. The repetition of "the city of dreams" and "locked up in her arms" was also used very effectively to this purpose.
The poem sometimes can read a little disjointedly at times as ideas hop around, but I think this also adds to the picture and feel of the city. Cities tend to be crowded, you have to watch your step or you can be swept in the wrong direction. I don't know if you meant to convey that in the poem, but it comes off very well.
I also really like all the little scenes you put into it that show what life is like in the city of dreams.
and
as two examples.
The only things I feel could be better is a few typos here and there. That's a difficult subject with poems since grammar and spelling mistakes can be done intentionally for effect. If you did intend any of these typos for stylistic purposes, feel free to disregard the following:
The main error I noticed was
I think the "I" should be changed to "I'd".
Then there's the line after:
This line is grammatically correct, but flows a little awkwardly. It might flow better as "This is Mumbai I'm talking about."
That's just personal opinion though, so feel free to work with it as you like. Those are the main things I noticed, but overall the poem is really good at capturing the feeling of being in Mumbai. Excellent work!
Hi,
Yes, you are correct. I have made an typing error it should be 'I'd'. Thank you for reading my poem. I appreciate the time you have put in to type this review. Will try to be better and clearer with my work.
Cheers,
Alex
This was a well constructed poem. I like it.
I particularly enjoy how you've personified the City of Dreams as a woman, by referring to it being "locked up in her arms" etc. It really adds depth and meaning into the message you are trying to convey.
In my opinion, try to include more techniques, like a hyperbole here and there, really emphasise how GOOD the City of Dreams is, exaggerate it, make us believe how good it is.
This is petty but in your last line, 'Of' shouldn't be capitalised.
Lastly, this line here is so random and not meant to be there:
"buy myself some balloons
from the boy across the street."
like ???
But the rest is great. Just be aware of how sometimes the poem can jump from scene to scene without a warning and it can be a tad confusing at times. Particularly how you jump from
"Amidst all the cutting chai
time just passes by
stuttering and struggling
everyone here at-least tries"
then suddenly to:
" I never can be alone,
I always have the sea;"
- Tiana
Hi Tiana,
Thank you so much for reading my poem. Your review means a lot to me. I will make further efforts to improve my writing. The line with the balloons- I was actually trying to make it a little random as that is how Mumbai is; one moment here, the other someplace far away.
I am not very good with using hyperbole and other figures of speech, but I am going there. Thanks for your review.
Cheers,
Alex