Hidden Truths, Brazen Lies Chap. 3

by ajruby12

Published August 25, 2017

E - Everyone

In Hidden Truths, Brazen Lies novel

Third chapter is up!

Author's Note

Many of the names in the novel have meanings behind them. (That helps me find names to use too!) The origin of each name also has a meaning, as certain places and towns are inspired by countries or civilizations on Earth. Here is a “cheat sheet” of names and their meanings.

Characters:

Bri (Brinxlee’s nickname) - Gaelic/Irish - “high, noble, exalted” or “strong”

Kaye - English- “keeper of the keys

Morgan - Celtic - “lives by the sea”

Places:

Meredain - (variant of Meridian) - “great prosperity"

Beckenham - (pronounced bek-en-ham) - An English town

Dursley - An English town

Chapter Three

My mind raced as fast as my heart as I tried to decipher the mixed expression on the young woman's face. Just then, a soft laugh sounded from her mouth as she gripped my hand in a firm handshake, nearly yanking me a step forward.

“It's an honor to meet a person such as yourself.” Her white teeth flashed in the lantern light.

“Um, pleasure to meet you, I suppose...” I said, clearing my throat. She looked pleasant enough, but then again, she was a pirate, and pirates are known to be sly creatures. She took note of my hesitant step backwards.

“Oh, don't look so worried. Take a seat now, darling, and we'll talk.” She indicated a wooden stool, which I carefully dusted off before sitting down. A tiny beetle crawled across the table, and I brushed it away, trying not to think about what other little creatures might be living inside these ancient walls. The smell of salt was overwhelmed by a musty odor which wafted from every corner. As the pirate moved across the ancient, creaking floor, I ventured a timid question.

“Who are you?” Turning on her heels to face the middle of the room, the pirate laughed quietly, fiddling with her dagger handle.

“Suppose I should have answered that before. My name's Morgan Gail. I used to be a cabin girl on a ship called the Black Swan. We sailed under the purple banner, led by our very own Captain Ezekiel.”

(The purple banner was a common color for “civil pirates”, ones that weren't out for blood or unfair spoils) “Aye, and what a beautiful ship she was… Zeke always was so careful to keep her decks clean and polished. We were a proud crew. All of us except five.”

At that moment Morgan fell silent, a dark cloud falling over her face. Her eyes snapped up to meet mine, and I noticed a harsh glint in her dark eyes.

“Long story short, we were betrayed by our own crew. It was right after we had battled a bad storm, and we were all exhausted. We dropped anchor near an abandoned harbor for the night. They hit the lookout first, slashing his throat before he could make a sound to warn us. Those murdering traitors ran our Zeke, the first mate, and three others through with swords. They roughed the remainder of us up something bad and threw us off the ship. Then the traitors sailed off on Black Swan, drinking and laughing with each other.” Her lips curled up in a snarl.

“To think the Black Swan's deck is still being trod by those greedy murderers… They'll pay.” Morgan's fist thudded down on the table, causing a heavy shower of dust to fall from the rafters. She glanced up, brushing off dust from her thick hair, the harsh look disappearing from her eyes.

“Sorry. I just get so worked up thinking about it. My ship's been gone for almost two years, and I still haven't found it. The remainder of our crew took a vow that day: every one of those traitors was going to die. Now all of the crew has either abandoned that vow or been killed trying to fulfill it, except for me.”

She looked back at me. The pain was evident in her eyes. I nodded slowly, gnawing on my lip.

“Those two men said you were an old friend of mine. Is that true?” I asked. Her face fell momentarily as she muttered something under her breath, but she swiftly regained her composure and plopped down across from me, plunking her feet onto the table.

“Ah, that… My boys like to stretch the truth sometimes.”

She quickly changed the subject and gestured behind me to a map on the wall.

“Beckenham. You were there, weren't you?” I nodded, fidgeting with the end of my braid. Morgan placed a heavily-worn paper on the table and drew out a dagger, tapping the table with the blade.

“Ronan. Recognize that name?” I shook my head. She raised her eyebrows as she spoke,

“You haven't? Huh, where have you been all your life, darling? The leader of that band's name is Ronan Payne. No one knows his real last name; he just made that up to be clever. Anyway, the spitballs that stole the Black Swan were part of his crew. I got this list of their names from one of my, ahem, 'contacts'. Took a bit of convincing, but he finally decided that the list wasn't worth a broken finger. Last I heard, several of Ronan's crew had retired, but still keep up their murdering ways.”

“So why are you telling me this?” I asked, then sucked in my breath as Morgan's sharp, searching gaze snapped back over to my face.

“Because I need your help to get my ship back.” She said rather plainly, but behind her gaze I noticed something that I couldn't identify. I felt she was holding something back from me.

“I… I can't help you. I have… other things that I have to do.”

“Really? It seems that anyone who saw a whole town get burned to the ground should feel obligated to help.” Morgan's words pierced straight into my heart. My stomach sank and I leaned against the wall, biting my lip as I held back tears.

“You don't understand… I'm not a fighter like you. I don't carry a sword or any type of weapon, beside this tiny letter opener. I'm a… a nobody.” Morgan stood up slowly and walked over to me, laying an elbow on my shoulder.

“Sorry if that was a little harsh… Look sweetheart, you're the only person I can find that can help me. I can't tell you why, but just trust me on this. It has to be you. You've got a lot of guts and a good brain. Just give it a chance.” I shrugged off her hand, my eyes staring straight ahead.

“I appreciate the thought, but I can't help you.” I gritted out, my eyes locked stubbornly on the opposite wall. She sighed deeply, and fell silent, drumming her fingers on the wall again.

The drumming stopped as she snapped her head up.

“Hush. Do you hear that?” she hissed. I strained my ears.

“Hear what? I can't he...” She clapped a hand over my mouth and listened again.

“It sounds like trouble.” she muttered, dropping her hand from my mouth and darting over to an old chest, pulling out a long scabbard and sword, which she hooked onto her belt. She also pulled on a long brown overcoat, which covered her loose black pants and white blouse.

“What are you doing?” I asked in a loud whisper. I jumped as a loud knock sounded on the door.

“Saving your life, darling.” She grinned, throwing a sheathed short sword at me. Two more loud knocks fell on the rickety door.

“I don't know how to use this!” I hissed at her, but she only winked.

“Hopefully, you won't have to.” She hauled over a table and braced the door, then wrapped her long fingers around my wrist and pulled me towards the back of the room. The knocking stopped and a loud brash voice rung out through the cracks.

“We know yew've got a little white mouse in there, Morgan. Open the door and we might go easy on yew!” Morgan hauled a bag onto her shoulders, shoved a large satchel in my hands, and nudged me towards my bags.

“Grab your stuff, sweetheart. We're going on a little jog.” As soon as I had my bags in my hands, she grabbed my arm again, giving me barely enough time to grab my art satchel before she kicked open the back door and yanked me through. I could hear the front door being bashed in by whoever had been on the other side.

“Morgan, who is that?”

“No idea, darling. But I suggest we don't stick around to find out.”


Street stones whipped by under my feet as we ran. I managed to glance up, noting that dusk was setting in on the horizon. My legs started to burn, but Morgan's strong frame looked like it was built for running. She was hardly breaking a sweat as she pulled me into a dark alley. She rapped three times with her foot on what appeared to be a cellar door. All was silent for a few moments, then the doors swung open and a scraggly-bearded sea man appeared.

“Ah, Morgan, my dear. We were wondering when ye'd get here.” His scarred face broke into a golden toothed smile as he ushered us in, but his eyes locked on me.

“And you have a white mouse with you too, eh? Best not let the crazies see 'er.” He cackled, shutting the heavy doors behind us and bolting them.

The room that we were in was dimly lit, filled with a half-dozen pirates, several playing cards and the others gathered around a faded map spread out on the table. All pairs of eyes looked up as we walked in. I nudged Morgan, whispering.

“Are these people friendly?” She chuckled.

“As friendly as you can get. They're buddies of mine. This is one of the safer spots in town for those being hunted.” I gulped, but managed another question.

“Why are they calling me a white mouse?”

“Just what most pirates and sea men like to call city folk. They don't look too kindly on most of your people, especially the Black Blades. They're what we call the crazies. Pretty much hate anyone who doesn't sail the sea, and a good number who do sail as well.” She smiled, slinging an arm over my shoulder as we veered away from the cool glances and down a short staircase. A couple more pirates sat in large heavily worn chairs, booted feet thrown up on a table and large books in their hands. Their eyes were riveted on the pages, one of them absentmindedly picking his teeth with a dagger. I had heard stories about the “oddities” of pirates, but actually seeing this often blood-thirsty and dangerous breed finding such enjoyment in literature seemed to only make me feel more unsure. I noticed a few elaborate paintings decorating the walls, and guessed that those had been pillaged. Barbaric scholars. What a strange combination!

My thoughts were broken as Morgan took out a key and unlocked a hefty door, swinging it open. She strode inside, closing and locking the door behind us.

“We'll rest here for the night and set out in the morning.”

“Hey, what do you mean WE?” I asked, quickly adding “I haven't agreed to anything yet.” She chuckled, sitting down on one of the beds and carefully arranging the scratchy, torn sheets.

“I'm afraid you don't have much of a choice. The Black Blades don't much like outsiders. If they find you, they'll kill you. No doubt about that.” She noticed my terrified face, and tried to smile reassuringly.

“Listen, I can get you out of here, but it means that you have to help me in return.”

I plopped down on the other bed, pulling out the short sword from my belt and staring at it thoughtfully.

“Would I have to use this? Would I have to... kill someone?”

“Maybe… Maybe not. But there are people out there that are on a path of slaughter and thievery. I know you can't ignore that. I can't forget what some of them did to my mates. You can stop the ones that destroyed that village and I can get my ship back. Deal?” She stood up and walked over to me, right hand curled into a fist and placed above her heart, the other extended flat, palm facing up, a traditional pirate vow. I gnawed on my lip, head hung low.

“Please, Brinxlee.” She murmured softly. I raised my head and a slow smile came to my lips.

“Ok...” I rose up and placed my hand over my heart, the other resting on top of her hand. She started to recite the vow slowly so I could keep up.

“By blood and bone, I vow today. Till blood is gone and all bones are broke, I seal this vow until it's done. If I should think to break this bond, the seas may claim me before my vow is broke.” She gripped my hand, smiling.

“Are we in this together?” I nodded, but my stomach still churned. She placed her calloused hands on my shoulders.

“I promise that I won't let anything happen to you, Brinxlee.” I put my hand on her arm as I said,

“All my friends call me Bri.” Her nose wrinkled in laughter.

“Does that mean I qualify?” she asked playfully. I nodded with a smile. She suddenly yanked me into a hug, the thick beaded braids in her black hair hitting my cheek. She then pulled back, holding me at arms length.

“I think we'll make a pirate of you yet, Bri.” she said, her eyes dancing again. She glanced down at my old shoes.

“Ah, but those aren't going to do. You'll need some better footwear than that.” She rummaged through a chest (pirates are rather fond of their chests, as I soon discovered) and threw a pair of black boots at me.

“These will be good for traveling. That cloak you have should work to hide that pale skin of yours. But that won't be a problem for long. Where we're going, you're going to get plenty of sun. Should help us get by without any trouble.”

“Where are we going?” I asked.

“We're heading for the village of Bomani. I know some people there who could help us.”

“Bomani? Isn't that village full of mercenaries?”

“I know, and that's why we're going there. The place attracts the toughest and cruelest of barbarians. Those ship thieves might be holed up in there.”

I rolled my eyes.

“You're crazy...” She only laughed, rummaging in her belt for a few coins.

“I'll go get us some supplies for tomorrow. Go to sleep now. We're leaving before dawn, and this will be your last chance for a good night's rest.” She slid out of the room, locking the door behind her.

I pulled off my shoes and laid back on the bed, staring at the ceiling. How did I get into this mess? I wished for a moment that I had just stayed in Oak a while longer instead of dashing off, but I knew looking back wasn't going to help. I was stuck with this now, and it was my duty to try and fight back against this new evil. I paused for a moment, a new thought eating away at my brain. What if I get killed? Who would tell my father and Hannah? They're probably worried sick about me. And Father… He could just give up after a loss like that…

I stopped myself, muttering softly.

“It's only a few more days. I'll be back to them by next week.” My jaw set resolutely. I needed to be brave for once, and stand up against these people, and that's exactly what I was going to do. I closed my eyes and slowly drifted to sleep, lulled by a soft hum of voices from outside, likely coming from the few late-night readers. Maybe this journey wouldn't be as bad as I thought.

The next day passed without incident. Morgan had dragged me out of bed before first light and we ate a rushed breakfast while gathering our things. With the well wishes of a few early rising pirates, who were all hunched over the same map as last night and were suspiciously sharpening their swords, we crept out of the cellar doors and headed for the gate, the sun just peeking over the horizon. We traversed mostly across flatlands from morning till late afternoon, but we entered a forest just as the sun began to sink below the mountain ranges in the distance. We met no one along the way, although there were plenty of animals that inhabited the forest. Morgan graciously listened to my fascinated chatter about all the different types of animals that I had only ever read about. Everything seemed so new and brilliant, although as we got further into the forest and the sun sank on the horizon, the wonderful brilliance faded away into dim shadows and empty darkness.

Myfeet ached horribly as we set up to rest for the night. The sounds of the forest kept me on edge all night long, but Morgan managed to sleep soundly. I had never been so thankful as then to have a traveling companion that didn't snore. Of course, I suppose that snoring was about the worst thing to do when one is traveling in dangerous territory. She seemed like the type to have made this kind of journey before.Morgan had insisted that we didn't light a fire, in case anyone happened to be wandering by in the forest. So, I had to suffice with the cold ground and my cloak wrapped around my shoulders as I drifted off to sleep, one last thought still on my brain.

“I hope Morgan knows what she's doing...”

Comments & reviews · 3
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jimss23
Review
jimss23 wrote a review Review · Aug 29, 2017

You know who it is :D

Hey. So I'm back. Sorry, it took me so long. I will try to keep up with these things I promise.

Alright, Chapter 3. We getting to the good stuff now. Like always when I review something with more than one chapter I'm gonna have a focus be on keeping storyline consistent and yada yada yada. Basically, words will be coming out of my mouth (and keyboard) and I hope they help.

Oh, and because I'm a curious little creature I've been taking a peek at what others have already said so I don't repeat anything and make you feel like we all picking on you. And I for sure not going to tell you that your work "lacks heart". Every writer pours their heart and soul into a work. I know it's not my place to say that but I don't agree with that criticism and I don't think that was right.

Now it's time for, as the great DJ Khalid says, "anotha one"

Dialogue. I love dialogue. Some say that description is the most important part of writing but I say it is dialogue. Glorius words, coming out of a character's mouth. So much emotion and description through speech. God, it is good. Sorry, now that I am done fangirling about dialogue, let me say, I like what you've done with it.

Whereas my more grammatically minded peers have been quick to point out some grammatical errors here and there, let's talk about the meat, the meaning, the emotion behind the words. I love the "darling" that Morgan uses. It adds a lot of personality to her, something that I got a great sense of.

As always, my recommendation is to use dialogue more or at least be brief in pairing it with action. The more you try to write how the person looks or what they do while speaking takes away from the dialogue itself. Be direct, precise, and let the dialogue do the work. You did this very well through most of the work, but there were instances where I think you could have narrowed down a bit. (Although where those places are is something extremely subjective so I will let you choose what to do with that)

Moving right along to the plot. I do think that, like the other chapters, things are a bit rushed. The sense I'm getting is you have a goal and you are pushing to get there. Now, beginning with the end in mind is never a bad thing but I must quote Miley Cyrus when I say that "It's the Climb". Slow down your scenes just a little. I know it might seem like they are going slow to you (Lord knows I have the exact same problem) but to the reader, it doesn't seem so fast paced.


"Look, sweetheart, you're the only person I can find that can help me. I can't tell you why, but just trust me on this. It has to be you. You've got a lot of guts and a good brain. Just give it a chance."


Let's be honest as writers. We both know that's a little vague and has plot hole written all over it. I'm not trying to be mean here but I think you're going to need a better motivation than that. But I am not the type to make a criticism like that and not offer at least a few possible ideas for you to toy around with. SO................BRAINSTORM TIME!

I think Morgan needs to know Bri before she meets her. Or at least know she is from Beckenham. I mean, she does know, but it never explains HOW she knows. That's something you could add in there. Clean up that point a little.

We need a skill, a talent, a piece of information that makes Bri have value to Morgan. The more value Bri has to Morgan the more sense this scene makes. What that skill could be, I have no idea. It's hard for me to say without a key to your mind but that's something you should see if you can add.

I'm not sure I'm sold on the idea of Ronan. I mean, I know he exists and all, but he doesn't feel as developed and complex as I would like him to be. Now, granted, he hasn't really been mentioned in any great detail yet, but he seems like he is evil for the sake of evil. George R. R. Martin once said that "every villain thinks he's the good guy". I think you should give Ronan more motivation. A goal. A purpose. Something everyone knows, and something that makes everyone afraid. Like how Sauron wants to conquer Middle Earth. Then, even without introducing him in person, the reader knows what he is, what he stands for, and why everyone is afraid of him.

Hmm.. Ok well about the middle part I got a little lost like the other said, but I got the gist well enough. Again, my advice is that for every action there needs to be a solid motivation. Things don't just happen. There is something behind it. Right now, the motivations seem random or not as flushed out.

The last part either need to be shorter or longer in my estimation. You could keep it brief and move along quickly, or you could drag it out more. Right now, it's in an awkward middle place. Honestly, in my opinion, it should be longer. Hell, maybe even an entire chapter in and of itself. There is nothing wrong with adding an extra chapter between chapters to help keep things consistent. Right now action goes from one short scene to many days of travel. It's a whiplash effect.

OK, now a message from your friendly neighborhood Laughing Apple.

These pirates keep getting better and better. You've added more variation, and given them all more personality (Ahem Morgan), and have hinted at a common culture among them. (the mouse thing).

This story is coming along well. You've got a lot of story here. I am going to get around to doing the last chapter you have up eventually.

I hope that you find my reviews more useful than endless grammar corrections. (Like I said, not my strong suit). I can keep reviewing your work as long as you want me to!

Cheers,

Sir. Granny Smith

Thanks. :)
Your reviews have been extremely helpful. Honesty is much more helpful than sugarcoated reviews, so thank you!
The tips about the dialogue are really good! I really love characters and dialogue (I'm kinda a drama person), so that's what I tend to get into.
And as for how Morgan knows Brinxlee... *ahem* That's a plot twist, so I can't give it away. But I promise that it's a good-ish reason! I just can't give it away at this point in the story. Same for how Bri is useful.

Ronan also gets developed more as the villain later on, but I definitely need to do more work on how he's portrayed. Unfortunately, I wrote this with a specific structure to the chapters (because it was through a Creative writing course), so I can't add any more chapters. However, I will probably lengthen somewhat.
But anyway, thank you, thank you, thank you! I appreciate every review you grace my chapters with! :)

User avatar
alliyah
Review
alliyah wrote a review Review · Aug 27, 2017

Hi there! Here for another review.

So this chapter was dialogue heavy, which is totally okay to mix it up once in a while and have places with a bit of extra dialogue. It gives the reader a break from reading straight prose.

First I want to point out a few moments where the rule, "show don't tell" could have been utilized a bit more.

"She took note of my hesitant step backwards."

here it's odd that the character notes that Morgan is noting their movements. Like how do they know that they noticed them you know? It might be better to show with a description that they seemed to note the step backwards. Like "Morgan moved forward as I inched away" or "Morgan's eyes seemed to follow my feet as I shrunk back".

another place where you could show rather than tell would be section about the purple banner. I would try to get that information in more organically rather than through parenthesis.

I like how perceptive this main character is, they notice everything from tone, and dust, and space they seem to be very perceptive. I did think it was odd that there were so many descriptions of eyes specifically. Try to mix those bodily descriptions up a bit unless you're trying to make one of their pairs of eyes seem particularly expressive. I think there were 12 mentions of "eyes" in this chapter alone. So far I thought you did a good job showing the character's hesitation too. It gives away some of their character that they are so cautious to get involved.

Overall, I thought this was a nice transitioning chapter and a good introduction of this Morgan character. I think the last two paragraphs read a bit hollow like it was just a listing off of events, I think if these were drawn out a bit more or summarized more briefly it wouldn't feel that way.

Good luck in your writing!

~alliyah

This Review is Brought to You by Team Autumn. Happy Review Day!

Well, the purple banner thing was something that they both would know about, so that was a piece of information that couldn't really work its way into the dialogue, so it's like an aside from the main character, Brinxlee, to the audience. I dunno if I'm going to keep it that way or not
I do appreciate the notes about my "info dumps", because that's something that is going to be hard to clear up, since there's a lot of information that has to come out, but not much time to show it. Thanks for the review!

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Rosendorn
Review
Rosendorn wrote a review Review · Aug 27, 2017

Hello. Haven't read previous parts, just going off what I see here.

The first thing that jumps to mind is how you basically always have dialogue start the paragraph, sometimes very unnecessarily. For example, here:

The drumming stopped as she snapped her head up.

“Hush. Do you hear that?” she hissed. I strained my ears.

“Hear what? I can't he...” She clapped a hand over my mouth and listened again.

“It sounds like trouble,” she muttered, dropping her hand from my mouth and darting over to an old chest, pulling out a long scabbard and sword, which she hooked onto her belt. She also pulled on a long brown overcoat, which covered her loose black pants and white blouse.


Would be much more readable like this:

The drumming stopped as she snapped her head up. “Hush. Do you hear that?” she hissed.

I strained my ears. “Hear what? I can't he...”

She clapped a hand over my mouth and listened again. “It sounds like trouble.” she muttered, dropping her hand from my mouth and darting over to an old chest, pulling out a long scabbard and sword, which she hooked onto her belt. She also pulled on a long brown overcoat, which covered her loose black pants and white blouse.


The key to dialogue is everything that the person does or says after or before the dialogue stays within the same paragraph. When you have a person moving after a line is spoken, reader assumption is such that the person who did the action in the same paragraph is the one who said the line. You have multiple instances in here where this isn't the case, and it leads to a hard time following along who says what.

If you clear that up throughout the piece, it'll be much more readable. Swapping around actions to be in front of the dialogue (like in the second paragraph) will also help the flow of the piece along.

As for the dialogue itself, it has a strong note of telling the story just to get the story out there, which is perfectly acceptable for a draft because that's the whole purpose of a draft. I'm pointing it out because, as you go through the editing process, you need to start adding some characterization and flair to the dialogue, namely in the form of motive.

The question you have to ask yourself is "why is this person telling this story to that person?" Right now, the context of the scene (and lack of summary) doesn't answer that for me, and it ends up feeling like it's a story that simply has to come out because the plot demands it.

Taking a look at articles like
Linguistics and Dialogue intro and application can help you figure out how to use dialogue for characterization purposes. It's something to keep in mind as you continue writing, too, and can end up with some surprises in the plot as you start to realize the contexts surrounding the conversations might lead you in an unexpected direction.

All in all, this is interesting but lacks a certain amount of heart. Part of it is how the formatting makes it extremely difficult to follow along, so once you clean that up it'll be much better. Adding in some reasons why the dialogue is said will help the rest of the way.

Hope this helps. Let me know if you have any questions or comments.

~Rosey



In the winter months, gale storms in Svalbard can reach wind speeds of 130 km/h. Accompanied by or following snowfall, such storms can reduce visibility dramatically, more so in the winter months of the polar night. During these storms, travel is not advised.
— The Documentarian