Here's the second chapter of Hidden Truths, Brazen Lies! Hope you enjoy.
Author's Note
Many of the names in the novel have meanings behind them. (That helps me find names to use too!) The origin of each name also has a meaning, as certain places and towns are inspired by countries or civilizations on Earth. Here is a “cheat sheet” of names and their meanings.
Characters:
Bri (Brinxlee’s nickname) - Gaelic/Irish - “high, noble, exalted” or “strong”
Kaye - English- “keeper of the keys”
Ashling (Kaye) - Irish- “dream”
Hannah - Hebrew- “grace”
Elayn - Greek - “sun ray”
Morgan - Celtic - “lives by the sea”
Places:
Meredain - (variant of Meridian) - “great prosperity”
Eileen - Celtic - “beautiful bird”
Barra - A Scottish island
Alburn - English - “noble warrior”
Beckenham - (pronounced bek-en-ham) - An English town
Dursley - An English town
Chapter Two
Huge columns of black smoke swirled into the icy blue sky as a greedy fire danced beneath them. No words could ever describe that sight, but the image burned into my brain: raging flames mercilessly consuming the town. The screams of the onlookers died away with their retreating forms, leaving only me to stare into the inferno that was the buildings of Beckenham. My body seemed disconnected from my mind as I snatched up my satchel and ran back towards town, nothing in my brain but a burning image of bright fire and smoke. The sights of the now awakened town now meant nothing to me as I dodged horses and heavy-laden porters. As I came in view of the edge of town, I saw several of the caravan wagons heading out through the gate, and following after the last wagon was Elayn, clinging onto the shoulder of another woman. She turned slowly, catching my eye. Even at such a distance, I could see deep pain and agony in her eyes. Realization hit me like a boulder. Her son, daughter-in-law, and grandchildren were in Beckenham. I snapped my eyes back up to her, but the wagons had already disappeared, skirting around the edge of town to head towards Beckenham. I scurried into the inn, rushing to my room and packing my belongings haphazardly. The emotion I had felt welling up inside me faded into stone cold dread as I left the town in the direction the wagons had taken. I could see no sign of the wagons as I stared into the forest. I was too impatient to ask for directions, so I traveled as quickly as I could in the direction of the valley, then cut off sharply into the surrounding forest, following the valley towards the remnants of Beckenham. After a short time, the rim disappeared from view, and I headed as straight as I could through the woods. My stomach felt nauseous and my head dizzy. At each twist and turn in the path, I feared I could be going the wrong way.
“Why couldn't the caravan have waited for just a few more minutes?” I snapped out loud, anger stabbing my already strained mind. It felt like I was going in circles; every path looked the same. It felt like an eternity till I came to a clearing, where I caught a glimpse of the valley. Lungs gasping for air, I finally slowed to a halt, leaning against a tree. As I slowly came back to reality, the weight of my bulky luggage finally set in. I plunked down on the grass, my back against the mossy tree. I felt very drowsy. Only a couple minutes sitting here, then I would move on. I could just faintly see the glow of the burning town through the thick trees. How long would that fire burn? My eyes slowly closed as my thoughts went back to Oak. I wonder if Elayn has reached Beckenham yet? I hope her grandchildren are all right. With my mind so absorbed in these worries, I slowly drifted off to sleep.
Something tickled my nose. I groggily reached up a hand to brush it away, and felt a small hairy creature. My eyes slowly opened and four pairs of hairy legs met my sight. Even my half asleep mind knew what it was: a large spider. So, naturally, I screamed. The eight-legged horror didn't stir, however, and my next reaction was to smash it with my hand. My brain fully awoke to smashed spider on my palm and face. After several minutes of detailed cleaning with an already dirty handkerchief, my face and hand were finally clear of the disgusting mess. Laughing quietly to myself, I began to gather my bags. I glanced up into the sky. I had been sleeping for almost an hour and a half! I wouldn't reach Beckenham till dusk. Hurriedly, I slung the bags on my aching back and set off at a run down the path. I soon had to slow to a brisk walk, as my body simply isn't built for speed.
After another few hours, I neared the edge of the woods. Ahead of me were many large fields, all of them devoid of any farmer or attendant. To the left of the farthest field was the town, although it appeared more like a smoldering trash heap. A cold wave rushed back over my body. I trudged on, passing field after field, trying not to look at the town, but it was hard to ignore. The thought of turning back crossed my mind, but my curiosity got the better of me. The great billows of smoke had lessened, now turning into small streams of dark gray, which grew thinner as I drew closer. Ahead of me, I spotted the caravan, which had just reached the town line. The fire was almost out in the town, but dark shapes swarmed around the gate, pulling limp and unmoving shapes behind them.
“Oh no...” I whispered to myself, quickening my pace to a jog, then a run. I could see more shapes moving around the caravan. I finally drew close enough to distinguish them. Several people huddled around each other, talking in hushed tones. Then a sight met my eyes which turned my blood cold: Elayn, kneeling in the dirt, sobbing. Another younger woman sat next to her, cradling the head of a man, two small children sitting beside her. The other woman looked up as I neared. She seemed to note my shocked expression. She gently laid the man back on the ground and stood up, whispering softly.
“Is your name Brinxlee?” I could only nod my reply. The woman tried to force a smile.
“My mother-in-law was talking about you. You can go talk with her, but understand that she's in shock...” I quietly knelt down, touching Elayn's shoulder. Without even looking at me, she grabbed my hand and held it to her face, soaking my skin with her tears.
“My son… They killed my son…” She released my hand, and buried her face in her arms again. I finally took a good look at the man, but noted that there wasn't a burn mark on him. I reached down, then paused, turning to his mother. She opened her eyes only for a moment, nodded slowly, then returned to her tears. I carefully turned the body over, seeing a deep stab wound in the man's chest. He hadn't been killed by the fire… Which means this fire wasn't an accident. It was just a part of a blood bath.
I rose up quickly, hurrying towards the razed buildings. My feet skidded themselves to a halt as I saw the sight I had been dreading: bodies. Dozens of bodies, scattered along the streets. Ash covered the stones, and the air was smothered in thick smoke. Small groups of people went from corpse to corpse, and every few moments, an agonized scream would sound in the air; someone had found a missing loved one. The sight of all the bodies was sickening. Many of the corpses were male, who had likely died trying to protect their families. Widows knelt beside empty shells of their husbands, wailing mournfully. The few couples and families that still remained stood in the corners of the town, holding each other tightly and saying nothing.
I stopped near the middle of town, slowly pacing a circle as I stared out on the cold, ashen graveyard. Thoughts raced round and round in my head. Why was I here? What could have possibly drawn me to come? I blamed it on my curiosity, but there was something more: compassion and worry. Yet even with all these questions in my mind, I couldn't shake something out of it. The people who had done this were cold-hearted murderers, obviously unconcerned with who they had to kill to get what they wanted. Fear overwhelmed my senses as the realization set in, and I felt sick again. I knew I had to get off of this trail of death. My eyes locked themselves to the ground as my steps quickened, trying to push my trembling body towards the blackened stone gateway. Several women were at the entrance, gossiping in hushed tones.
“I heard they're a roving band: thieves, all of them! They take anything they want.”
“Aye, and some say their leader is the worst thief of all. They say he kills anyone that steps in his path, even his own men!”
“Can you even imagine? What human could even do that to his own friends?”
The third woman, who cradled a howling infant, stood gazing at the ground blankly as she finally spoke up, lips barely moving.
“I saw them… Three of them were in our home. Those… brutes grabbed me and my baby and shoved us out. My husband tried to protect us. The biggest one of them seized him by the throat while another ran him through with a sword. That beast of a man was laughing while he did it. His face was… so horrible… Like looking at a demon...” She bit her lip, but the poor woman was so stunned that she couldn't cry. She slowly raised her eyes to meet my own for a brief moment. I felt rooted to the spot as I looked at her ashen face, as pale as the lifeless bodies being dragged from the ruins of buildings. I wanted to be anywhere but here. I just wanted to be back home, safe in the walls of our house.
I barely knew what happened as I fled from that horrible scene, the sorrowful wailing fading into the cool breeze behind me. Finally, the forest loomed in front of me. It was a welcome sight for my aching heart. I turned for the first time and stared back at the fading smoke and tiny black specks of people moving slowly around the charred ruins. If these murderers were as greedy and ruthless as they say, then what else will they destroy? How many bodies have they left behind already? My knees weakened beneath me as I sunk to the ground, my heart sinking just as low. What was I supposed to do?
“I'm a nobody… I'm not strong and I'm not smart enough. There's nothing I can do.” For the time, I convinced myself of that, once again shouldering the heavy bags and trying to shun the cold grip of fear in the pit of my stomach. The great heroes of legend would have been down there, helping to bury the dead and gathering an army to fight.
“But I'm not a hero.” I spoke softly, turning to face the deep woods.
“I'm just a Kaye.”
My satchel felt heavy on my shoulder, the partial sketch of the Valley of Oaks weighing me down mentally. I tried to put it out of my mind and instead focused on my next destination: the town of Dursley. I had heard that Dursley was much like my hometown of Meredain, but it bordered directly with the ocean line and boasted of a great amount of wealth. However, the town lay too far away to be reached before nightfall, and so I headed towards a closer but smaller town called Port Marina. My shadow grew longer and longer behind me as the trees faded around me and the port appeared in the distance. Several ships lay at anchor, overshadowing the bustle at the docks as goods were unloaded and new supplies were brought on board. The town was fairly small, but it was alive with activity.
I managed to slip behind what I supposed to be a large family, with two strapping young men leading the way, each being clung to by an older woman, who was fussing with their gray uniforms and chattering away nervously. Two new crew members for one of the royal ships, I supposed. My guess was confirmed after we passed through the gate, the family splitting away from me towards the docks, where one of the King's ships lay in anchor, a royal blue flag flying proudly on its stern. A small smile crept on my face as I watched the two men being hugged in rounds by their starry-eyed siblings and fussy mother. A pang wrenched my stomach. I could have been sent off like that, with my father and aunt waving me goodbye. I gritted my teeth and shook off the thought. They probably would have never let me go. This was my journey and I was going to finish it. However, my curiosity got the better of me, and I headed towards the docks, wanting to watch the steady streams of crates and barrels coming on and off the ships.
There was almost a rhythm to the stomps and grunts on the wooden docks as burly sailors worked under the lowering sun to prepare each of the ships for sail at dawn. My boots clicked against the stones of the street as I ducked around people and buildings to find a good view. Thinking back, I must have been a humorous sight, with two heavy bags slung across my back as I stumbled around, wide-eyed. However, at the time, my focus rested solely on the sight before me. My gaze shifted from the busy docks to the glistening sea behind them. Sun rays danced across the waves that softly crashed onto the shore. The noises all blended together into a bright and melodious air. It was all so beautiful.
My trance was shaken by a tap on my shoulder. I whipped around quickly, two stubbly foreboding chins filling my field of vision. The two men attached to the chins didn't look too friendly either.
“Someone wants to see you.” The shorter man grunted. I heaved a deep sigh.
“I don't need this right now...” I muttered, firing back with as much ferocity as my small frame could muster. “Who?”
Both men grinned cockily at each other.
“Well, that's for us to know and you to find out. Let's just say it's an old friend. Now just come with us.” The taller one grabbed my arm, and I instantly reached for my dagger, but it was snatched out of my hand by the leering man.
“No need for that, girl. This is just a business deal. Besides, this little fly-sticker won't help you anyway.” Everything in my body wanted me to punch him in the face, but the gleaming swords at both men's sides advised me against a rash decision like that. Besides, I was curious about this “old friend”. The two dragged me back into town, but veered away from the main stretch, instead heading for the back of the town.
As we walked, there was a notable difference in the people wandering the streets. Cutlasses and spyglasses appeared at almost every person's side. The buildings smelled musty and an overwhelming smell of salt wafted through the air, contrasting the refreshing sea breeze I had smelled before. There were no taverns in the town, as most respectable pirates held a firm stance against drinking. We took a sharp turn towards what looked like an old blacksmith shop. My larger escort knocked on the door twice, listened for the faint reply, and opened it.
“Good luck, girl.” He chuckled as he shoved me through the dark doorway. I landed on the hard wood floor, the door slamming behind me. The dark room creaked and groaned as I shifted around. I heard footsteps approaching and looked up to see a pair of worn brown boots, pirate from the looks of them, but belonging to a small pair of feet. A hand reached down to my arm and roughly hauled me up off the ground. The lantern that the other hand held illuminated a tan female face and lips that curled up in a half-smile. Thick jet black hair framed her face and sharp brown eyes danced with amusement. A calm but sharp voice spoke into the dusty air.
“Pleasure to meet you, Brinxlee Kaye. The name's Morgan Gail. We need to talk.”
End of chapter
Continue to next chapter Hidden Truths, Brazen Lies Chap. 3Points:
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Hi there!
I'll admit that I just skimmed the first chapter, so if there's something I miss that I would've gotten if I'd read that chapter I do apologize. One recommendation I have for novelists is to include author notes with summaries of previous chapters for people who jump in the middle of something, but I realize that's a lot of work too!
So on to the review.
First off, solid opening. I like that you start with an action scene, engaging readers from the get-go. I liked the action but felt it was bit too heavy on the adjectives. I mean description's nice but we also want to move the plot along. Throughout the piece it became a little description heavy in places. my suggestion would be if you have one sentence that has 4 nouns not every noun needs a description. For instance, in this sentence: "Thick jet black hair framed her face and sharp brown eyes danced with amusement. A calm but sharp voice spoke into the dusty air." Every single noun has at least one or more descriptions, that's a bit excessive and ends up making it hard to get through the piece. By taking a few of those descriptions away the reader is able to better focus and appreciate both your descriptive skills and what's going on. They're less likely to get distracted by the words on the page, and more likely to get emersed in the story. I know this is really hard to balance in writing, but those are just my suggestions.
I liked the humor you included mid chapter with the spider scene. It's a good idea to have breaks in intensity so that readers don't get bogged down by everything being the same tone. So the humor you intersperse throughout is appreciated as a reader.
As far as dialogue goes, I think that you did a fairly good job being direct and not too wordy. I would say there was a little bit of an excessive use of ellipses (dot, dot, dot)... but other than that the dialogue seemed pretty natural.
From this chapter I liked the bits of character development you have, but as a reader I was really interested in some of the internal dialogue too. For instance when the person says they're not a hero, I found that really interesting and wanted to know more about that. This might be in a coming chapter, but I found that intriguing as I think most people want to be the heroes of their lives.
Overall an interesting introductory chapter. We had more conflict and setting up of the scene.
Also I forgot to say:
In this sentence it's sort of contradictory because you end up describing it with words: " No words could ever describe that sight, but the image burned into my brain:" Maybe you could put "no words could perfectly describe that sight" or "no words could fully describe that sight" instead.
Good luck in future chapters! Happy writing!
~alliyah
This review is brought to you by Team Autumn. Happy Review Day!
Thanks for the review! This chapter is a pretty heavy one, both in action and in information, but I hope that I can work out some of the bland spots
Boom! I hath returned. Time to do another review for you.
You did a good job portraying the brutal and ugly scene.
Time for round two. I will probably have more stuff to add based on the flow from one chapter to another.
You know my standard disclaimer and stuff already so I will just jump in.
In the immortal words of Al Bundy.....Let's rock.
1) Alright, at this point in the story flow, pacing, and sequence become vital. Too much going on at one time can leave the reader going "wait. what now?". As an author, it is important that the only questions a reader asks are the ones you want them to. That being said, the first paragraph is all over the place. I think it would help the flow if you broke up every change of pace/direction into a separate paragraph. Every time there is a major shift in location should be divided up to make it way easier for your reader to follow.
2) The pacing of the first section as a whole seems rushed. To be quite honest with you, the entire Beckenham affair could be one chapter in and of its self. I don't know if you want it to be that way but I can say for sure it is a little rushed.
3) Ok, so I'm gonna jump all over the place cause that's how I remember it. The interaction with the two dudes who whisk her off to meet that person doesn't seem realistic or believable. I know if two men came up to me and told me that someone wanted to see me and they had come to take me there I would be terrified or I would haul a**. I know she tries to draw her dagger but it seems a little late. I think that would be great as a first reaction. She draws it, they take it away and then she says "who?". Also, it might be better to have them knock it away or grab it before she can draw it. Speaking from personal experience it is very hard to grab a knife once it has been fully drawn.
4) "As we walked"
You just said they dragged her. If you want to keep this part I would change the dragged to an escort or something like that. They have control, she won't get away, but they don't have to carry her everywhere.
5) "There were no taverns in the town, as most respectable pirates held a firm stance against drinking."
Ok, your pirates are now not only book readers but they don't drink? Everyone drinks. It's not a bad thing. Even high-class people drink wine. The pirates have crews right? Do they all not drink too? I think it would be better if you said that the area she was in had no taverns, that would be way more believable.
6) I think you need more paragraph breaks through out. It will make the whole thing easier to follow.
7) "Something tickled my nose. I groggily reached up a hand to brush it away and felt a small hairy creature. My eyes slowly opened and four pairs of hairy legs met my sight. Even my half asleep mind knew what it was: a large spider. So, naturally, I screamed."
This paragraph feels unnecessary. I mean you can keep it don't get me wrong. But I would make it shorter or blend it in more with the other paragraphs.
8 ) "It was all so beautiful."
I think you need to have her say it out loud or think it. Otherwise, it just comes off as unnecessary.
Alright now time for just general comments.
D*mn those villagers got wrecked.
I do still really like this pirate thing. Pirates love to party and are full of spirit so they will be an awesome addition to this story.
Th-th-th-th that's all folks.
I will get to the third and fourth chapter in good time. School is kicking my a** right now.
Cheers,
From Jimmy
(He who fights doctors)
Thanks for the review!
(1-2) Yeah, I realize the paragraphing work isn't the best. I need to go back and work on that. I did rush this scene, but it really was intended to happen in a blur
(3-4) Bleh, I don't like that scene very much... I can't seem to write it properly, since I know it needs to happen a certain way, but I just can't seem to get it right
(5) No, I'm not putting drinking as a bad thing, but these pirates are just... different people, and I'm trying to convey them as different people
Hope you get to read more! Honestly, these first couple chapters aren't my favorite... Mostly because the Morgan that shows up in the next chapter is just ma fave!
Cheerio and all that