How can I even say this?
But I think I’m fallen for you.
Your perfection,
Is God’s gift to me.
I try to pinch myself every time you smile,
Even though after this I won’t see you for a while.
This could not be happening to
Me.
Make this last forever.
I want to stay in this spot forever.
You and me and no one else,
I’m so light I’m almost flying.
I looked is your eyes,
A universe of wonder,
I wonder what you’re thinking.
I don’t want this to end.
Don’t want to leave the comfort of your arms
And the sound of your voice.
Lord, make this last forever
God is probably is seeing how hard I’ve fallen.
From the highest towers of heaven and space
To the lowest point of the earth.
As the bus shakes and shakes,
All I hear is the voice of an angel
Singing to the sun calling out to me .
Oh how lovely,
And so pure.
This is heaven though all this pain.
Make this last forever.
No more hate and disdain
The love of the moment
Has
To end now
Ending with a warm hug,
Ending with a memory
Of God’s gift for a damaged soul,
And a wish that I could see you again
And it would last forever.
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Canary word: Present
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140,819 Literary Works • 673,694 Reviews
Hey aestar!! I loved your poetry. I like the feeling and atmosphere of this poem so good job! One thing that seemed to strike me was your rhyming. The rhyming is a bit off in some places and sound awkward.
See if you can work that out. All the best!
-icy
HI aestar101
I'm new to the reviewing game so let's work together however after reading this, i see a part of me in your writing style that i forgot about. Sometimes when you decided to put a rhythm into your poem you need to concentrate on structure. Even if you don't want to rhyme every two lines try sticking to the end of every two stanzas.
secondly... i caught hint of some grammatical errors:
'I looked is your eyes,
A universe of wonder,
I wonder what you’re thinking.'
I'm not certain but I'm sure you meant:
I LOOKED IN YOUR EYES
Could be wrong but that made a little more sense and secondly:
'God is probably is seeing how hard I’ve fallen.
From the highest towers of heaven and space
To the lowest point of the earth.'
GOOD IS PROBABLY SEEING HOW HARD I'VE FALLEN
And even that doesn't sound, right tense wise. Try god has probably seen how hard I've fallen.
Encase you haven't noticed in the seventh stanza there's a full stop thats way off there. i think you might needed to proof read this again but its good.
keep writing i want to read more of your work- Suntanned Superman
This is beautiful. It has this warm atmosphere around it. You've got a good way with expressing feelings. Keep up!
I liked it. It's very nice.