Hallelujah

i am so so so glad you revised it, it seems so less cluttered now.

you're imagery is great, and over-all you did well in keeping it Christian-y, or whatever religion you may have intended. i dont enjoy most poems about this subject manner, but this is definitely a really good poem, not just a religious thing.

i liked it! there's nothing more to it. =]

-Riri

Wow, this is really cool. I am a Christian, so I appreciate this poem. Angels have always fascinated me, and I thought it was cool how you had an angel appear. I really like your revision better, though. It made alot more sense. I thought it was very cool the character was bored with his Christian walk, and then something miraculous happens. Good Job!

I revised it!!!!!!!

I sit there as the choir sings,
Waiting for my cousin.
As if he could take any longer.
I take a moment to be alone,
Just to write.

My life is crazy now.
As friends come and go,
Loneliness is all I know.
Maybe this is my eternal fate

Is this some type of miracle?
Wrapped in a box in a big bow that says
“A Miracle For You”
That’s wrapped like it’s from a dream,
I believe.
A life-changing revolution that starts in a simple room.

Is my life meaning is to be a ventriloquist’s doll,
Erased from thought
Only to be controlled by the world,
Played like a piano.
Just knowing sadness, forever?

All I know now is that I’m just writing,
Alone,
And impatient
In a half-empty room,
Nothing extravagant,
I thought,
Until…

A celestial light shone thought the window,
Moreover, I see a miracle in a simple choir room.
Something is happening,
An epiphany,
Hallelujah,

Then I saw what change has brought me,
He turns around and smiles at me.
An angel,
There something in his voice that affects me,
That sways me.
How perfect,
But flawed slightly by humanity,
Oh so lovely!
Out of all my mistakes and failures,
He can come out and give me this gift
Of
Love.

My cousin motions me to leave
Because practice is over,
As I leave,
I catch him admiring me in my peripheral vision,

His heavenly brown eyes that notice less than perfect me,
Thank you God,
He goes over and stops me with my cousin,
And says, ”Hey, I’m…”
Hallelujah

I revised it!!!!!!!

I sit there as the choir sings,
Waiting for my cousin.
As if he could take any longer.
I take a moment to be alone,
Just to write.

My life is crazy now.
As friends come and go,
Loneliness is all I know.
Maybe this is my eternal fate

Is this some type of miracle?
Wrapped in a box in a big bow that says
“A Miracle For You”
That’s wrapped like it’s from a dream,
I believe.
A life-changing revolution that starts in a simple room.

Is my life meaning is to be a ventriloquist’s doll,
Erased from thought
Only to be controlled by the world,
Played like a piano.
Just knowing sadness, forever?

All I know now is that I’m just writing,
Alone,
And impatient
In a half-empty room,
Nothing extravagant,
I thought,
Until…

A celestial light shone thought the window,
Moreover, I see a miracle in a simple choir room.
Something is happening,
An epiphany,
Hallelujah,

Then I saw what change has brought me,
He turns around and smiles at me.
An angel,
There something in his voice that affects me,
That sways me.
How perfect,
But flawed slightly by humanity,
Oh so lovely!
Out of all my mistakes and failures,
He can come out and give me this gift
Of
Love.

My cousin motions me to leave
Because practice is over,
As I leave,
I catch him admiring me in my peripheral vision,

His heavenly brown eyes that notice less than perfect me,
Thank you God,
He goes over and stops me with my cousin,
And says, ”Hey, I’m…”
Hallelujah

gadi was right about the stanza he pointed out. that was the main thing i think you should change. i don't think the rhetorical questions were bad, but i will admit they get tiring after a while and you may want to mix up your style a bit.

the rythm could have been better, but most of it flowed okay.

and will someone please bust out a rhyme or two?? xD

"Do you have any tip on how to leave out the rheorical qustions, but keep the depth in my poem?
AE"

Of course! The most beautiful way and simplest way to add depth to your poem is by comparisons. Metaphores, similies, allusions; there are so many different methods to add depth to your poetry.

And though these rhetorical questions don't exactly work out, you could still trade them for more sophisticated questions--leaving out the rhetorical part--that incorporate the metaphore, similies, allusions to create a vast amount of depth.

I mean, this stanza

Will I be a toy puppet for the world?
My life will be sadness forever,
I guess?
Is there a miracle coming soon?
Who knows?

is completely terrible. If you trade it with one long question that incorporates all of these things in intellgent, poetical langauge, then it would be wonderful. An example:

"Would my life be a puppateer's toy,
an endless 'La' gurlging from
another throat, another mouth,
notes higher than hope?"

(Just remember that this was done in about a minute, so you should make something a lot better than this.)

Hope I helped!

GamesEnd is right. Thats why I have the rhetorical questions. The poem is about someone who has problems and has been hurt a lot in the past and see sees the light of God. So the rhetorical questions are there because she doubts herself and her self worth. If I leave it out then it would be shallow and obstructive. Thanks anyway .
PS: That person is me.

Wow, I see what everyone is saying but i also feel that can be used as a style like Norman Rockwell he didn't do anything edgy but he is well loved for his embrace of Americana, So i don't feel the rhetorical questions hurt it. I do think that it was a follow a conscious piece and not entirely what i would have hoped for but on a whole it is a strong enough work to stand on its own because of the things that everyone is complaining about and if they were taken out it would make the work seem more shallow and obtrusive. At least that is how i feel about it

It was good. Ugh.... I agree with Colleen also. Best wishes!

I can't agree more with Colleen. The rhetorical ?'s must go, and the complete stream-of-conciousness style is too much. I liked some parts of it, though some other parts felt cheesy, predictable and kind of annoying. I think you should focus now on your wording and structure, because something didn't really click for me. PM me if you need any help or have any questions.

I like it but some of it seems a bit choppy, and the change seems quite abrupt, almost staggering. The images are nice though and I like the way you conveyed your hope and relief. It made me sigh

Lovely! Great imagery. Good word usage and overall effective Christmas-y mood! I agree with Cade about the rhetorical questions. See if you can work that out.
all-in-all I liked it so good job!
-icy.

Bah, no bumping/begging for critiques! You should know better!

As for the poem, I don't think the rhetorical questions are taking it anywhere. It reads like one of my late-at-night diary entries. If you must include questions in the piece, make sure they have a purpose. It reads like a stream of consciousness. An unedited stream of consciousness. Spend more time with it.

Critiques are apreciated.