Young Writers Society

I love it, it is really nice. But I do agree with what the others have said. Take out the car part. That just kind of made a question mark go over my head lol . Also I think the token part shouldn't stay. The poem would sound a lot better without the token line.

Punctuation. I'm going to echo Leja's bit about the punctuation. Don't put commas at the end of line breaks unless they really belong! Write sentences as you would normally.

For my heart has always been,
So closed.

You call my name,
So loud the universe can hear,
But I can’t tell if you are near.

You anger wants you to raise Cain,
Break me out of the fortress of cellophane.
You don’t know.
You take iron for the plain,
Just cellophane.

You run across the street for me,
But I never see you jump the yellow line.
It’s like there is a cellophane wall between us.

Except for a thin piece of plastic between our fingers,
I can see you,
I can feel you,
But still not sure if it is you.

But your lips never touched mine.

You run across the street for me

You anger wants you to raise Cain

Because the protection I put to keep my heart intact.
I swore that I won’t be hurt,
To not be broken,
But it is having a reverse effect

i like the way you use the cellophane wall to portray the detachment. i also like your description of things and ideas. however, something that you could have done is to break up the piece into stanzas and also work a little bit more on loosening up the rhyme scheme. in some places the rhyme scheme sounds forced.

Hey! I really like the idea behind the poem because it’s relatable, but I do have some suggestions. I’ve quoted the whole poem, picking out any grammar points and such like, but I’ve made further notes under sections that required most commentary.

You kiss me – Leave out comma.
But your lips never touch[s]ed[/s] mine. - You started in the present tense so I changed this because it was in the past.
You call my name - Took out this comma too.
So loud the universe can hear,
But I can’t tell if you are near. Liked this image.

You run across the street for me,
But I never see you jump the yellow line.

It’s like there is a cellophane wall between us.
[s]My guard,
That I can’t let down,
Which always has you looking at me with a frown.[/s]
I never made myself [s]so[/s] open,
For my heart has always been - No comma.
So closed.
Even if you are so close.

Your anger wants you to raise Cain,
To break me out of the fortress of cellophane. - Interesting contrast between ‘fortress’ and ‘cellophane’!
You don’t know.
You take iron for the plain,
Just cellophane.

[s]Where [/s]We can still touch - The way I’ve understood this, ‘where’ isn’t necessary.
Except for a thin piece of plastic between our fingers.
I can see you,
I can feel you,
But [s]still[/s] I’m not sure if it is you.

It puts us two,
Very far,
Worlds apart, in fact
Because the protection I put to keep my heart intact.

I swore that I wouldn’t be hurt
[s]To not be broken,[/s]
But it is having a reverse effect.
[s]Just like returning a token.
The pain feels the same;
And my heart rips further deep.[/s]
To be without love
Is worse than to be in protection’s keep.

You say, “I love you.”
[s]I give a stare and [/s]I whisper, “I can’t hear you.”[s] I need to get to my car”[/s]

First, there doesn't have to be punctuation at the end of every line. Try reading it aloud like this: "You kiss me [breath] but your lips never touched mine. you call my name [breath] so loud the universe can hear [breath] but I can't tell if you are near." It's very tiring to listen to after a while! So, since you seem to be intending standard grammar, put punctuation in the same place you would as if you were writing this out in paragraph form.

I must ask, why a cellophane wall? Only because it's something transparent? Why not a forcefield or an invisible wall or piece of glass? Second of all, why is there the cellophane wall? It doesn't sound like there's a miscommunication so much as the people mentioned in the poem don't really cross paths.

In general, I think condensing things (especially from the lines "but I never see you jump the yellow line. / It's like there is a cellophane wall between us" to the end of the poem) would be of great benefit here. See how much you can say in how little a space ^_^

Also, make sure that what you're writing about makes sense, rather than just writing to the rhyme. For example,

You say, “I love you.”

I give a stare and I whisper,”I can’t hear you. I need to get to my car”

You whisper with a frown,”So close, yet so far.”

aestar101 wrote:But your lips never touched mine.

aestar101 wrote:my heard has always been so closed, even if you are so close

aestar101 wrote:You anger wants you to raise Cain,

aestar101 wrote:Because the protection I put to keep my heart intact.

aestar101 wrote:I swore that I won’t be hurt,
To not be broken,

aestar101 wrote:And my heart rips further deep.

aestar101 wrote:You take iron for the plain,