Young Writers Society

It really is passionate!the only mistake I found was in this line:

I come back up and rips off his jacket

shouldn't it be rip?
I really love this poem and all the details satisfy the reader.

I stand there,
On the dance floor,
I pout my red lips and flutter my mascara drenched eyes softly, -rid of softly
Looking around the room,

For someone,
I’m done with the wannabes and amateurs,
Something besides the fakes that drop their partners,
Accidently,
Pretenders come up to me and breathing “Want to dance,” - turn breathing into breathe

I want someone real,
I want,
Him,

A slick black suit,
Hair dark as night,
And a mask almost covering his passionate grey eyes,
He intrigues me,

With no question,
Stepping over people who have been dropped,
To approach,
Him,

They said he was notorious,
They said he was trouble,
The spawn of death,
Your life would be rubble if he got a hold of you, they say

I don’t care,
My life is already rubble,
I know what I want,
What I want is what I usually get

But what I got was a step ahead,
I can feel him breathing,
His arm placed on my back,

He dipped me,
And people clear the floor,
“Where have you been,” I said
“I visit your dreams”

He takes me up and spins me,
And abruptly takes me back into his arms,
We rock to the beat back and forth,

My hands touching his face,
His skin was so smooth,
Moving down to his neck,
And all the way down to his chest,

He spins me again,
But this time slower,
Now I’m facing him and he is facing me,

Then we stomp slowly across the room,
Adjoined,
He dips me,
He is so gentle,
My cynical mind trusts him,

I come back up and rips off his jacket,
And it tumbles to the floor,
Up his sleeve he hands me a red rose,
He smiles as wide as a crocodile, - another metaphor?

He places it in my hair,
I see him break a sweat,
He drops me into a split,
Heat fills the room as I get up,

I high kick and turn to my partner,
And take off his mask to reveal his tan face,
He whispers in my ear,
And grabs me into a passionate kiss,

Everything around me is spinning and confusing,
He has me in a trance,
His lips are so soft,
I am his,
Bravo.


Wow! Nice poem. The idea of it was pretty original compared to the countless

"Oh.
He dumped me.
But I love him.
I love him so."
FIN

The way you told the story caused lots of visualization, which was really good. You were very descriptive and the poem had a really good flow. There are like, a couple words you could rethink for proper grammer, though. But that's pretty much all the imperfections

I love how you ended it! Bravo!
Haha.
KEEP WRITING!

I liked this, but there are parts you could work on. I didn't really like the second stanza. Also, your line breaks are all over the place. One second they're two syllables, the next they're 15. Try making them a little more uniform, but keep the last stanza the way it is. That way, it'll have more impact.

He smiles as wide as a crocodile,

I want someone real,
I want,
Him,

Hm.. It was nice to begin with but you kind of got carried away with the amount of information that you fed the reader. Instead of making them feel as though they are in the room with this pair, all you're doing is giving them a description, and that doesn't work well in poem land.

You need to work on your punctuation. Variation is the key to having a better flow in your poem because you can create better pauses than a comma. If you add these in, it tends to add more pressure and emotion into the poem, and for this poem, that would work perfectly.

I liked your idea and think that you did it well and you actually have a pretty original idea here. The last two lines... Maganificant! I absoloutely loved them.

Ginge

:]

I liked it. I thought he was a vampire "spawn of death" well then it turns out they really are dancing. Nice how you tricked the reader.