City Streets

I made it shorter. I killed the stuff I didn't need:

Running down the streets,
Like there’s no tomorrow,
As I tiptoe though the brick sidewalks,

I swing around each tall lamppost,
While cherry blossoms fall,
They look like pink raindrops all around,
I take a turn and jump a wrought-iron gate
Trotting over grass covered bricks,

I run slower,
Taking in the world of skyscrapers around me,
It like a village of giants towering over me
The beauty,
The fascination,

I cross the street into the big park,
Where tree have plaques below,
People studying on the benches,
Basking in shade on this spring day,
How can I look away?

I climb the stone memorial,
Walking around it to find a comfortable place to sit,
Looking around to find you sitting on the bench,
Staring blankly into life,

In thrift store jeans, un-tucked button down shirt, black blazer,
It went well with your shaggy blonde hair,
You know how well I stare,
It like I’m not even there
Invisible, you know

It suits me for the moment,
I really don’t want you to know,
Cruse how I’m so cynical,

I can see your soul,
Lost and tying to find a way,
But doesn’t know how,
Every mistake a slight fray,
Makes you incomprehensible to others,
I know your beauty inside,

You look frustrated,
Like you always look,
Sitting in the same spot every day,
I wish I could make you feel better,
But you don’t see me,

I pass by ponds filled with swans and birds,
I walk over the curved bridge onto a cobblestone path,
I’m out of the park,
And back on the city streets,

Skyscrapers and historic buildings,
It’s like two worlds colliding,
And you just a witness,
No more than a bystander,
To a living phenomenon,

I walk down to the subway,
It’s crowded like a stack of books,
I stand and hold on to the subway pole,
I look out the graffiti covered window,
To see you in the opposite train,
Schizophrenia fills my brain,

Looking lost,
You look out the window,
And you see me,
Stricken with love,
I pretend not to notice as our subways go in opposite directions,

The rush is all behind me,
It’s like the world is speeding up as I leave,
Then in an expeditious stop,
The world is back to normal,
I walk out of the station,
Past the busy commuters,
The active college students,
Who don’t know any manners,
But yet I remain prudent,

I jump on to the carriage,
It takes off into nowhere,
Not really,
I get off at the square,
I pay the driver,
And over there,

There’s musicians playing,
Street sales,
I felt like jumping out and dancing,
The arts are very romancing,
It put life into my soul,

I feel a gentle tap on my shoulder,
So gentle it felt like a hand of a lover,
Then I turn around,

And I see you in the middle of the square,
Smiling dead on at me,
It’s almost melts me,
You got my heart alright,
You always had it
From the first time I saw you
To this moment of truth

Standing there with a single orchid flower,
I stand there smiling,
Rushing into arm in a passionate kiss,
It’s like I’ve known you forever

City streets,
City streets,
Take me anywhere
Take me on adventure,

City streets
City streets
Everywhere we go and everyone we meet
Makes us collide,
Which means that all the streets in this city,
Take me to you,

blacktiger3915 wrote:Sorry, but I totally agree with "God" (I hate that he used that name).

Thanks for the crits! God, I don't reccomend the cursing because the mods don't like that.

Sorry, but I totally agree with "God" (I hate that he used that name).

im not gonna say much, but i found this poem boring, a good idea, and its flow is terrible, but it is too damn long, i got bored about four verses in. so maybe try to condense it a bit, a lot of people wouldnt bother reading the whole thing through.

im not gonna say much, but i found this poem boring, a good idea, and its flow is terrible, but it is too damn long, i got bored about four verses in. so maybe try to condense it a bit, a lot of people wouldnt bother reading the whole thing through.

I swing around each tall lamppost

--I guess you are now well aware that you have to separate the lamp from the post, in short: lamp post.

But seriously, screw that. I loved that line. Kinda made it perfect for the poem because it showed how much love and glee you felt that moment, that you had to share it with each and every thing, especially something as deadly-dull as a lamp post.

I wouldn't critique on the structure and where you've gone amiss, because I know you've noticed them already. And you have this great potential of writing something even better.

Go gaga over writing!

<3 JACE

[need me to critique more of yours, just PM me. kisses.]

your descriptions are really well written, and since i don't mind free-verse i actually liked the way this flows without rhyming.

i love reading poems with good imagery and diction, and i think this one had both. i just imagine a city with only one real person walking through the streets, like how you'd be the only real person knowing how you felt and through at that moment.

but that's just my interpretation.

-Kiki

Well first off i liked the way your poem flows... but there are a few things that i think should be rephrased or changed like (quote) "Boutiques, restaurants, and everything else line this block" it didn't quite make sense to me but other than that it looks great and laso i like the way your title fits your poem it explains exactly what it is going to be about!

This is the final version. I hope everyone likes it. Its my emotions I felt on a trip to a city. Its how I felt when I fell in love with the city and my crush so it kinda apart of me:

Running down the streets,
Like there’s no tomorrow,
My tan overcoat flying
As I tiptoe though the brick sidewalks,

Racing past brimstone apartment by another,
By each rosebush, and each Japanese maple in each
Small gated front garden,
It’s like having a secret magical forest,
Away from the government stiffs and the annoying tourists,

I swing around each tall lamppost,
While cherry blossoms fall,
They look like pink raindrops all around,
I take a turn and jump a wrought-iron gate
Trotting over grass covered bricks,

I make another turn,
Onto a major street,
Boutiques, restaurants, and everything else line this block,
Street dancers that have moves that rock,

I run slower,
Taking in the world of skyscrapers around me,
It like a village of giants towering over me
The beauty,
The fascination,

I cross the street into the big park,
Where tree have plaques below,
People studying on the benches,
Basking in shade on this spring day,
How can I look away?

I climb the stone memorial,
Walking around it to find a comfortable place to sit,
Looking around to find you sitting on the bench,
Staring blankly into life,

In thrift store jeans, un-tucked button down shirt, black blazer,
It went well with your shaggy blonde hair,
You know how well I stare,
It like I’m not even there
Invisible, you know

It suits me for the moment,
I really don’t want you to know,
Cruse how I’m so cynical,

Piercing blue eyes,
I’m usually not one for blondes,
But I knew you were clearly different,

I can see your soul,
Lost and tying to find a way,
But doesn’t know how,
Every mistake a slight fray,
Makes you incomprehensible to others,
I know your beauty inside,

You look frustrated,
Like you always look,
Sitting in the same spot every day,
I wish I could make you feel better,
But you don’t see me,
I see you as I venture though the city,

The city,
A never ending jungle of skyscrapers,
I jump off the memorial,
And walk through the park some more,

I pass by ponds filled with swans and birds,
I walk over the curved bridge onto a cobblestone path,
I’m out of the beautiful park,
And back on the city streets,

Skyscrapers and historic buildings,
It’s like two worlds colliding,
And you just a witness,
No more than a bystander,
To a living phenomenon,

When I walk though the city,
I feel like a free bird that flies,
Skipping though streets,
When I fly over the pavement,

I walk down to the subway,
It’s crowded like a stack of books,
I stand and hold on to the subway pole,
I look out the graffiti covered window,
To see you in the opposite train,
Schizophrenia fills my brain,

Looking lost,
You look out the window,
And you see me,
Stricken with love,
I pretend not to notice as our subways go in opposite directions,

The rush is all behind me,
It’s like the world is speeding up as I leave,
Then in an expeditious stop,
The world is back to normal,
I walk out of the station,
Past the busy commuters,
The active college students,
Who don’t know any manners,
But yet I remain prudent,

Walking 2-4 flights of stairs,
I tie my tan trench coat tighter,
There is a slight rush of wind,
A chill down my back,
Like someone is running a single nail down my spine,

Passing the florist’s,
Seeing all types of flowers,
And gifts,
Smelling different scents,

It’s like exploring something new,
Something different,
And new,
And exciting,

I jump on to the carriage,
It takes off into nowhere,
Not really,
I get off at the square,
I pay the driver,
And over there,

There’s musicians playing,
Street sales,
I felt like jumping out and dancing,
The arts are very romancing,
It put life into my soul,

I feel a gentle tap on my shoulder,
So gentle it felt like a hand of a lover,
Then I turn around,

And I see you in the middle of the square,
Smiling dead on at me,
It’s almost melts me,
You got my heart alright,
You always had it
From the first time I saw you
To this moment of truth

Standing there with a single orchid flower,
I stand there smiling,
Rushing into arm in a passionate kiss,
It’s like I’ve known you forever

City streets,
City streets,
Take me anywhere
Take me on adventure,

City streets
City streets
Everywhere we go and everyone we meet
Makes us collide,
Which means that all the streets in this city,
Take me to you,

Okay. I thought it was good when I wrote it. I just wrote what I felt.

It was a cute idea but, trying not too sound harsh, it honestly bored me to tears. It was long, rambling, had no rhythm, no imagery to speak of...there's no substance to this poem. But the thing is, I expected so much more. It's like getting a chocolate chip cookie, biting into it, and getting a dry rice cracker. There were some lines I enjoyed, but I can't find them again.

Overall, this poem was dry. Rework it, rethink it. Add more...something. It's just shallow right now. But I do see a tremendous amount of potential, so please don't stop writing!

Here's the revised version:
Running down the streets,
Like there’s no tomorrow,
My tan overcoat flying
As I tiptoe though the brick sidewalks,

Racing past brimstone apartment by another,
By each rosebush, and each Japanese maple in each
Small gated front garden,

I swing around each tall lamppost,
While cherry blossoms fall,
I take a turn and jump a wrought-iron gate
I’m running over grass covered bricks,
My own fairyland in this wonderful city,

I make another turn,
Onto a major street,
Boutiques, restaurants, and everything else line this block,

I run slower,
Taking in the world of skyscrapers around me,
The beauty,
The fascination,

I cross the street into the big park,
Where tree have plaques below,
People studying on benches,
Basking in shade on this spring day,
Looking at smiling faces,

I climb the stone memorial,
Walking around to find a comfortable place to sit,
Looking around to find you sitting on the bench,
Staring blankly into life,

In thrift store jeans, un-tucked button down shirt, black blazer,
It went well with your shaggy blonde hair,
I turn my head to the other side,
Dark brown hair flying,
I take a closer look,

Piercing blue eyes,
Not one for blondes,
But this one is clearly different,

He looks frustrated,
Like he always looks,
Sitting in the same spot every day,
I see you as I venture though the city,
A never ending jungle of skyscrapers,
I jump off the memorial,
And walk through the park more,

I pass by ponds filled with swans and birds,
I walk over the curved bridge onto a cobblestone path,
I’m out of the beautiful park,
And back on the city streets,

Skyscrapers and historic buildings,
It’s like two worlds colliding,
When I walk though the city,
I feel like a free bird that flies,
Skipping though streets,

I walk down to the subway,
It’s crowded like a stack of books,
I stand and hold on to the subway pole,

I look out the graffiti covered window,
To see you in the opposite train,
Looking lost,
You look out the window,
And you see me
I pretend not to notice as our subways go in opposite directions,

The rush is all behind me,
It’s like the world is speeding up behind me,
Then in an expeditious stop,
The world is back to normal,

I walk out of the station,
Past the busy commuters,
The active college students,

Walking 2-4 flights of stairs,
I tie my tan trench coat tighter,
There is a slight rush of wind,
A chill down my back,

Passing the florist’s,
Seeing all types of flowers,
And gifts,
Smelling different scents,

It’s like exploring something new,
Something different,
And new,
And exciting,

I jump on to the carriage,
It takes off into nowhere,
Not really,
I get off at the center of everything,
I pay the driver,
And look at where I am,

There’s musicians playing,
Street sales,
It put life into my soul,
Then I turn around,

And I see you in the middle of the square,
Smiling straight at me,
It’s almost melts me,
You got my heart alright,
Standing there with a single orchid flower,
I stand there smiling,

City streets,
City streets
Take me anywhere
Take me on adventure,
All of the street in this city,
Take me to you,

Last time I had rhyming it sounded forced to some people. So the imagery made up for it. I wrote what I felt.

I like the idea of this poem in theory..but the actual execution of it didn't really work for me. Free verse isn't really my thing though.

I think it would have been better if you had some sort of pattern, but I couldn't really find one. There were many different sized stanzas, no rhyming, and no real rhythm that I could see.

On the other hand, it was a nice story and you used impressive imagery.

Maybe you could edit a bit and re-post?