I pressed my nose up against the many layers of glass as my breath created a circle of fog. It was dusk outside, and I felt around for my dish of water. My throat was parched. The water would be replaced at feeding time tomorrow.
I let out a sigh and lay my head back down onto the couch placed there by the zookeepers, peering out of the glass as the many animals still poured into the gates. The zoo was still busy even now. Every animal wanted to catch a glimpse of the new human exhibit.
I sat down on my haunches and struggled to read the sign. No one ever taught me to read, but I had learned a few letters here. The poster had a lot of lowercase e letters from what I could tell.
A leopard stopped at my window and grabbed a camera from his backpack, interrupting my thoughts. He tapped excitedly on the window and put the camera up to his face. It clicked and the leopard showed the picture to his wife as his little kids were jumped up to get a view of me.
“Lift me up! I want to see the human boy!” a little one meowed. I could understand them because a short-tempered leopard had me in his circus before the zoo bought me for their new Humans of the World exhibit.
I sighed and turned away from the baby leopard. The family moved on.
I looked around at all of the different exhibits. Humans of different ages and ethnicities sat gloomily on their own ratty couches as the animals passed by. How old was I? The sign on my cage had a one in front of it, but I couldn’t distinguish the second digit. Maybe I was at the end of my lifespan like the South American man in the cage next to me. Maybe I only had a few more years left.
I pressed my fingers to the glass as a lion walked past me, and clung to the hope I could be free of these thick glass panes and crates, if only in my wildest dreams.
Maybe someday.
wow this is great! You used great descriptive words like when he felt around for the water dish because he was parched. This is brilliant. It is like the life of a zoo animal but they are humans. You could maybe describe what the boy looked like and more of his surroundings. Just a few sugestions. Overall really fantastic.
Keep writing. Stay awesome!
Hey, Jay here, your friendly neighborhood critic!
Well, that was interesting. A good story indeed! Great grammar, too.
I felt that there were a few sentences that could use some rephrasing. Nothing major, though.
Here's one:
Adding "and" to sentences when you could either use "as" or end the sentence and start a new one to me feels excessive. A little childish, too. But it's all right, it's all right, I find my favorite authors using "and" at times that I find awkward, so it seems to be a mistake that everyone makes. (I find myself doing that at times too.)
Do something more like:
#BF0000 ">It was dusk outside. I felt around my dish for water, my throat parched.
Or you could say:
#BF0000 ">It was dusk outside as I felt around my dish for water. My throat was parched.
Other than that? This work was great! Makes you think a bit. Interesting perspective, well done!
#0000BF ">-Jay
Hey acm!
I do have a few suggestions for it, though.
I think that this is a cool story with a unique perspective. It definitely makes you think.
I think that "let out a sigh" is more commonly used, so saying gave seems a bit strange here.
You make the animals very humanised in this, with the cameras, backpacks, and children. Maybe you could broaden the gap between them and the caged humans further, however? Maybe make the humans a bit more characteristic of animals. Also, it's your choice, but I wouldn't think that the humans could understand the animals when they speak. Maybe you could say something about not understanding, but describing the tone of the voice.
Making this longer and expanding it could be very interesting if you want to do that. Even if you intend for it to be short, I think some descriptions could be nice, maybe how that particular human got there. I also wonder if the narrator is feeling any strong emotions. Currently, he or she is just bored and tired of a life in captivity. Maybe he or she is angry and ultimately aiming for revenge? Does he or she have a missed family? I feel like thinking through these things and including how the narrator feels about them could strengthen this piece.
I liked it a lot overall, it's a neat idea that we should stop and consider. Most of us have been to a zoo, so it's interesting to see the reverse side to it once in a while. Nice job!
-Falco
This is amazing! Like wow, seriously. I love the perspective that you used and the imagery really helped me visualize everything. Amazing job!